Craving Bagels

I rooted for the New Orleans Saints and they won, causing me mild happiness. Drew Brees and Sean Payton are Sigma Chi’s, so I guess that’s nice and will help with dues or Rush or something. I hope they sang The Big Fucking Wheel when they won.

We start baby classes this week. Not little classes, but classes about babies. Should be great. I hope it’s all about bodily functions and not about feelings. Poop and pee and nipples and burps are funny to me. That other stuff is for the birds. Information about caring for the child would be helpful I guess. I learned from John Locke on Lost that babies like to be swaddled, bound up real tight like a burrito. I wonder if anyone has ever made swaddling blankets that look like a burrito? I would totally buy and use that shit.

The Denver Nuggets busted up the Lakers a couple days ago, which is nice.

Also, here’s some footage from the game my brother and went to last week. We are seen at the end of this clip:

Here you see our heads as Chauncey dribbles by:

And lastly, a new awful Chancey Billups Black Jack Pizza commercial:

Quote Of The Day – “It’s always better to leave the party early.” – Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes.

My dumb brother and I went to the Nuggets game last night and sat second row behind the press on the court. Right in front of us, there was a guy who looked like Mike Golic and a guy that looked like Ahmad Rashad. It turns out it was Ahmad Rashad and not Mike Golic. We wanted to ask Ahmad if we could get a picture of him and Mike Golic together but didn’t. My dumb brother did say ‘hi’ to him. Rocky hit a backwards half court shot and I had to yell “Number 1! Num…..Ber……1!” A fat kid did that in front of my brother and I 10 years ago in the same situation and so I paid homage to said fat kid. I will hopefully post footage from the game of us from TV.

Some jabs that we yelled at the Kings:

We called Kevin Martin ‘Shock G’ and ‘Humpty Hump’ because he looks like him/them and put the satin on our panties. We called Omri Casspi ‘AssPie’ incessantly. Paul Westphal’s assistant looked like a mini Paul Westphal and we told him so.

Some jabs that were discussed but were not shouted:

Calling Paul Westphal’s assistant ‘molehead’. In regards to Sean May, calling him Sean ‘Buffet’ May, telling him ‘Life’s a buffet’, Asking him if he likes Jimmy Buffet (pronounced like buffay), and calling him Oliver Miller.

The Oscar nominees were released today. Making the Best Picture category 10 nominees instead of 5 really means I have some catching up to do, but I think most of them would have been in a different category anyway. As many movies as I see, I have a lot to go to catch up.

Out of the nominees in major categories I’ve seen Avatar, Inglourious Basterds, Precious, Up In The Air, Julia & Julia, and The Lovely Bones.

I need to see The Blindside, District 9, An Education, The Hurt Locker, A Serious Man, Up, Crazy Heart, A Single Man, Invictus, The Last Station, The Messenger, Nine, and In The Loop.

There’s a couple I’m not real interested in (The Blindside) and would just rather watch Inglourious Basterds over and over in their place, but I will do my best to check them all out. Sidenote: If Avatar wins best picture I will barf, specifically on my wife.

Quote Of The Day – “Number 1! Num…..Ber……1!” – A fat kid 10 years or me last night when Rocky hit a backwards shot from half court. Your pick.

I finished Lost Season 5 this morning, my re-watch of the entire series is complete. I am very excited for tomorrow night. I am hoping they lead Season 6 off with a flashback episode for Richard Alpert.

A nice baby shower was put together for Angie, me and little Terrell this past weekend. We went, drank, opened up stuff, then went to Pasquini’s and drank more. Angie’s friend Bridget put it on and her friend Susan gave up her home for the night, which was pretty incredible considering she really knew no one who was at her house and let us hang for about 4 hours. Kudos to Susan. Opening gifts in front of people is always pretty strange and uncomfortable, but Angie and I handled it with aplomb and expediency. It took about 10 minutes. I didn’t even know what half the things were, pumps and nipple protectors and swings, etc. Things that sound kinky but aren’t. All things were very generous, much appreciated and will be very useful. And then the drinks and food at Pasquini’s. Always delicious. And one more lesson was learned: A 6 foot Blimpie sub is said to feed 30-40 people. Really, a 3 foot sub with some chips or veggies will do. Sunday was a sub filled day.

Also, on Saturday I went to the gun show again. This time with Dan, Ash and Dan’s dad. I think it was nuttier this time mainly because Ash is a gun nut. He knew everything about every gun and I got the feeling he thought the feds might raid the show at any moment and incarcerate all patriots exercising their 2nd amendment rights.

Quote Of The Day – “You see a lot of guns that can have mounting flashlights. You don’t see any flashlights with a gun mount. We should sell those.” – Me.

I had a dream 2 nights ago that my cubicle mate was Rachel Leigh Cook of She’s All That fame. In my dream she was herself, not a chick that looked like her, but the actual actress. I called her Laney Boggs and laughed and told her that her best movie was The House Of Yes. I really do like The House Of Yes, but her part is small. I really love She’s All That, and if the fetus had no dong, I would name the girl Laney. FPJ, RLC, the Culkin brother, Anna Paquin…..so much win it hurts. I don’t really remember anything else about the dream but I am satisfied with what I do remember.

Quote Of The Day – From She’s All That

Zach Siler: Brock Hudson? What kind of a name is that?
Taylor Vaughan: What kind of a name is “Zach?” OK, Brock is from “The Real World.”
Zach Siler: What, Resceda?
Taylor Vaughan: No, like the TV show. “Real World LA”, second season, hello!

I had the most beautiful birthday yesterday. I took the day off from work, which is always nice. I got up, made myself some bacon and eggs and went to the gym. I then went home and made chicken enchiladas for dinner, and then went to Chick-Fil_a for lunch. After that it was off to the movie theater, I saw Daybreakers and The Book Of Eli. I thought Daybreakers was pretty good (I heard it was bad) and I thought The book Of Eli was kind of dumb (I heard it was good). I always give ScFi a little more leeway because I like the genre more. Then I went home, got some gifts, ate my enchiladas and watched the Nuggets kill the Clippers. BUT WAIT! There’s more! I’m going to the Nuggets game tomorrow for my annual birthday game with Frame. YAY.

Quote Of The Day – “But when it’s all said and done, Melo is going to be the best.” – Doug Moe on Melo being the best Nugget of all time.

This is the first of what I plan will be many of my Pedicab Confessions.

My name is MC Talent, and I am a pedicab driver who dabbles in photography.

Last Saturday was full of action.  It started out slow, as per usual at 6PM.  Not much going on, I pretty much pedal at a leisurely pace and try to find young couples who want a ride from 16th street Mall to some sort of romantic restaurant… like Mongolian Grill, where you can pile a mountain of meat and fish into a bowl and eat till ya tummy hurts.

Here I am moseying.

The evening took a sudden spin when a drunk girl got in my cab, fell out flat on her face.  It wasn’t my driving.  I wasn’t even moving.  She just leaned forward and fell right in front of me.  She laid there on her stomach, struggling to get up and all I could think was, “oh shit, what is her face gonna look like”.  She got up, looked right at me, with blood on her face and her front tooth broken clean across the center (it was like a half-tooth) she asks me, “Am I OK?  Do I have my teeth?”.  I said, “well you have your teeth, but one is chipped. (which was an understatement, it was HALF GONE).  She felt her tooth with her finger, went hysterical, crying, etc… and made a run for it, about to cross an intersection.  I grabbed her, keeping her from getting hit.  She was FREAKING OUT.  When the cars were gone, I just let her go.  I went back to my cab and out of curiosity, looked around for her tooth.  Found it!  I went over and her friend was baffled, had no idea what happened.   All she knew is that her friend was FLIPPING OUT.  She probably thought I beat her or something.  I went next to her and said, I found her tooth and gave it to her.  She started saying “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED”… “She fell on her face.”  At that point I realized there was nothing I could do.  Assuring her that she could get her tooth fixed wasn’t helping.  So whatever.

By that time it was 1:00 AM.  Usually I like to hit up Larimer Sq. and take all the people from the clubs to the late night meat shop, Lodos.  But instead I went straight to Lodos and found this guy, who was screaming “EAT SHIT AND DIE!”.  He later got arrested, but gave me quite a show.  I was trying to hide my camera.  I think I’m gonna wrap it with electrical tape to disguise it better next time.

Immediately after that, I got hired to bring these girls from Lodo to Larimer.  They gave me a shitty tip, but on the way there, I ran into a jogger, who ran along side of me, bragged about her spin class at YMCA, took off on a sprint, and then proceeds to quickly stop and puke.  Good stuff:

My woman got mad at me because it sounds like I said “I’m gonna check you out” or something.  I don’t know what I was saying, but given that I don’t care for sloppy drunk chicks, she should know better that I was not trying to get a hot date.  WOMEN, I tell yas.

Anyway, I am new to this video stuff.  Bear with me.  MORE TO COME!!!

Dan, I tried to post my pedicab videos but the video shows up as a link, not a video.  PLEASE ADVISE!!!! URNFNDBAG!

Everyone who knows me, knows I love to cook.  Italian, mostly.  And I am confident in my abilities… enough to say that my eggplant parmesan cannot be beat.

But I am cheap.  I like making awesome dinners with cheap ingredients.  It’s possible.  The only two exceptions I make:  A GOOD olive oil and Hunts for my tomato sauce.  Otherwise, my ingredients are cheap and generic.  And Organic Schmorganic.

And I only own one saucepan, one frying pan, and one cast-iron skillet.  Never had any problems cooking for guests.  I have an awesome knife that I got for my birthday.

But my spatula, which I named “mom” (in honor of my mom who served my food through childhood) was bought for $2.99 at King Soopers.  It was white when I bought it, but after getting charred and slightly melted on several occasions, it’s turned into a stained brown/grey/green color.  Elle, my woman, hates it.  Two weeks ago I was cleaning in the kitchen and Elle was there.  I was scrubbing mom pretty hard and SNAP!  The handle broke off.  This was followed by an immediate “YES!!!” from Elle.  I ignored her, threw away the handle, finished cleaning the blade and put the blade back into the drawer.  I actually like it even better without the handle.  I feel more like a craftsman with my food now!  Elle is mad, but I don’t care!

Meet “Mom”.  You can see where the handle snapped off, turning this into an even better cratsman’s tool for cooking.  If I ever do retire Mom, I will showcase her in one of those glass boxes that people put valuable sports memorabilia in.  (And yes, it’s clean, believe it or not.  Here, put your nose to it… smell the generic dish soap?  Yep!  SEE!)

Here’s mom, workin it with my morning egg whites.  It works so perfectly, every time.

Speaking of my afinity for cooking, there is one chef that I LOVE and that’s Bobby Flay.  He cooks to make things taste AMAZING.  And he is a glutton with flavor and doesn’t care about fat or carbs or calories.  He’s a genious on the grill.  Loves sweets.  Once I saw him make the most awesome S’Mores on the grill in some foil.  The Iron Chef: Bobby Flay, My IDOL

Now THIS mofo, a portly guy with a severe identity crisis, just pisses me off.  He always gets a little aggro on his show, easily irritated, wears his glasses upside down on the back of his head, frosted tips, pinky ring, etc… does a show about diners in America.  I just hate him.  I will stop writing but this other blogger summed it up perfectly in his post: No More Mister Douche Guy (but that guy thinks Bobby Flay is arrogant, but who cares, he is allowed.

That’s all for now.  Come to my house, Mom and I will make you some egg whites.

Here is the episode of Man vs Food that features the burrito MC Talent tried to take down (the post below). They don’t even wrap it in a tortilla, they just lay it on top.

Movies:

Leap Year – Not bad for a chick flick, I guess. I like Amy Adams a lot, so that makes it bearable.

The Lovely Bones – I still don’t know if I liked this movie. I need to think about it. I never read the book, so I don’t know if it is as surreal as the movie. Peter Jackson, the Lord Of The Rings guy, directed it, it just seemed like an odd match. Stanley Tucci is good and Mark Wahlberg is way better than he was in The Happening.

I will be going to see multiple movies this Thursday for my birthday if any of you 3 people wanna skip school and go with me.

Inspection on the new house is Wednesday, assuming nothing is wrong, we close February 19th. It works out great, because my apartment lease is up March 21, so we’ll have a month for prepping and moving, no rush. I originally thought my lease was up at the end of April and I would have to eat an extra month’s rent, but it turns out I will only have a prorated 20 days extra, which is perfect.

I uploaded a new Birdman commercial.

The Mattress King one I uploaded blew up over the weekend and got 50,000 hits. Some guy sent me an email to advertise on it and send me money, but since I don’t own the content, that might be bad.

Quote Of The Day – “Be like the Birdman, fly and get it.” – Birdman, for Alpine GMC.

Today I found out that I would really suck as a competitor eater. I am OK with that. For now.

It was Jack N Grill’s famous 7lb breakfast burrito as seen on Man vs. Food.

Today, in the battle between man and food, food won.

This place is a real shit hole on Federal Blvd. But I mean that in a good, good way.

There she is… right there.  $12 is a small price to pay for a grande tummy ache!

We had about 20 people show up.  4 of us tackled the beast.  Thank you seniorina food server for this photo.

This guy’s name is Luke.  I thought for sure he was going to take this mofo down.

These were little pork carnitas or someting.  Mmmm

Jonny A made me mad by ordering a burger.  A BURGER?!?!?!  WTF, Jon?!?!?!?  I am pissed.  I believe that if Jon turns into a zombie someday, this is how he will look.

Mine finally arrived!  mmmmmm….  To give you an idea of it’s true size, reference my blackberry on the top edge of this photo.

I’d say it’s like a work of art.

Here I am, the happiest day of my life.  I pedicabbed for 9 hours and got 4 hours of sleep for this.

My strategy was to cut straight through the center, which is my way of expressing myself.  Everyone else tried to go from the front to rear.  BORING.  I doctored this one up a bit because it’s like art.  Or something.

Here’s Elle with her friend and coworker, Kiera

I am still working away.  Terence, next to me, waits patiently for his 7lb dream

Terence, AKA T-Bone, AKA Tad finally gets his pile of stuff to which he too, will fail in this battle.

Meanwhile, everyone is sure that Luke is gonna be the WINNER at our table.  He is getting SO CLOSE.

This is Elle’s boss, Jamie.  She looks sweet here, but don’t be fooled, she enjoys a conversation about cocks, balls, and farts!

Luke is going to make some room real quick, so that he can continue eating.

I Like this picture for two reasons:  First… Doesn’t it look DELICIOUS?  Second… It looks like Jonny-A has his ear to the beast, as if to be checking for a beating heart.

I gave up real quick and turned to Mimosas.

The surrender flag has been posted.  I suck at eating large quantities.

Elle took this of me, I was sick of having photos.  But then I decided to make it artsy.  If you would like this next photo printed for your wall, the price is $1299.00, wrapped fine-art canvas.

When I last saw all 3 of you readers, the wife, fetus and I were about to start looking at houses. As of right now, we are under contract to purchase a home. Pretty quick. We have been watching neighborhoods and driving around for a long time and knew where and what we wanted and made a pretty quick decision. It was kind of funny, we put in an offer, they countered, we accepted, then their Realtor sent an email that the owners are divorcing and all of a sudden the wife didn’t want to sell. Then my Realtor says that selling the house made the couple realize the finality of divorce, but now they agree to sell the home and may be getting back together. Sounds like trouble in Teen Town. At first I had some buyers remorse, but that passed today after I did more paperwork, drove by again and started thinking about it. Now I can’t wait to move and ‘break in’ every room. Close your eyes and picture it.

Quote Of The Day – “Maybe the sellers can take the money they’re going to save in lawyer fees and reduce the price more.” – My Realtor.

Tonight we begin our house search. It turns out the house I was really wanting to look at is under contract, which is too bad. Maybe we can screw someone else real good, though.

It has been brought to my attention by Frameo that Jeff and Jordan from Big Brother may be doing the Amazing Race. I hope so, I would actually watch that show again. I really liked The Amazing Race until they did the family edition. I fricking hated the families, and unfortunately I never really went back to the show. I saw a few episodes here or there every year, but never made it a point to watch every episode. That will change.

Cited as evidence of Jeff and Jordan’s AR participation is this picture:

Quote Of The Day – “I can’t tell time on a clock. When people say its “a quarter til” I have to just keep asking other people til they tell me what time it is.” – Jordan, Big Brother 11

See that, up there? Whenever you see “Potpurri”, that means I just want to spiel about random shit. Just a little FYI for you there.

I am thinking of writing a book called “Don’t Deal With It! (how to not only run from your problems, but leave them in the dust). That tagline might not be totally right. Maybe “the art of not-facing your problems”). Anyway, I am still not sure if this new concept of problem management is possible, so I will continue to practice my craft.

My dog has acne. I popped a zit right by his lip. It went across the room. Gross, but satisfying. The dog didn’t mind.

Pedicabbing is fun. The excersize is amazing (I burn up to 6000 calories in a night), but even better I LOVE watching drunk people. Saturday I saw so many drunken falls, pukes, fights, and had so many sloppy people in my cab that I decided that I need to get a camcorder to record it all. And so I did. Get ready folks, this is gonna be fun!

Here are the videos that you WOULD have seen, had I been armed with my new camcorder on Sat:
1. The 5-person load that I had, I had to drive these people on 20th, UNDER the bridge and up this big ass hill. They were all super drunk and would have made for great, profound interviews.
2. Girl talking on phone whilst unbeknown to her a man was behind her, arms propped up against the wall, and there comes the puke. The girl turned and watched the guy and walked away. Another guy went to the puker and gave him a toothbrush, one of those new disposable toothbrushes that you can get at convenience stores. The puker gladly accepted and used the toothbrush.
3. Man sitting on one of those funny garbage cans on 16th St. Mall. He fell over, and the garbage can toppled on top of him.
4. Several girls falling. Some looked like they hurt.
5. Several girls crying; screaming; puking etc.
6. Two tuff-guys yelling at each other, but their friends were holding them back.
7. Scott Woods coming out of the Tavern, asking me why I brought the drunk Mexicans to his bar.
8. Burrito lady yelling “Burrito Burrito” and her tone matched the sound of my bicycle bell.
9. 2AM Fashion Show on Market St.
10. Interview with other Pedicabbers.

Believe it or not, that was pretty tame for a Sat night. This should be fun.

Yesterday I made Eggplant Parmesan and it was delicious.

I am on a diet now, And aside from Sundays, I eat the same thing OVER AND OVER again: In this order: 5 Egg Whites, Cheerios with Skim Milk; Banana, Greek Yogurt, 1Tbs Peanut Butter; white tuna, 2 slices rye bread, 1tbs fat free mayo (aka Tuna Sandwich); Yogurt, Protein Powder, mixed raw nut no salt; orange, protein shake;[then I work out]; gatorade, protein shake, 6 amino acid pills and 2 creatine pills; baked salmon, steamed asparagus, raw spinach; greek yogurt again.

On Sundays, after a brutal Saturday of running and pedicabbing, I cheat on my diet and rest the legs. And when I say cheat, I mean: This coming sunday I will be trying to eat a 7-Pound Breakfast Burrito that was featured on Travel Channel’s Man vs. Food. That’s right.

I will be photographing that, too with my new blogging camera.

That’s all for now.
That’s all in one day

A Texas loss is a humankind win.

Spending an unanticipated 3 hours at the dealership for repairs really makes you look into the meaning of life. While sitting in the waiting room, I listened to a woman call people on a list and ask them to spend volunteer time with some 1st graders today (she called yesterday). I don’t know what kind of list it was, but by the the way people were turning her down, it could have very well been the list of 1st grader’s parents.

I am reading some fatherhood books. I didn’t really think it was necessary, but I think Angie believes I am seriously going to mold the child into a super villain *crosses fingers*. One is for what to expect during pregnancy. I got it a little late since the super villain is six months along, but still some nice info. The other is for what to expect once the super villain is born. I read some of that but figured I better hold off until the super villain is actually born. I think we will also be doing some classes, which means I can size up some of the do-gooder baby competition.

Out Of Context Hip Hop:

Quote Of The Day – “Hah! Marshall you’re so funny man, you should be a comedian, God damn” – Eminem, Beautiful. That line has been in my head for days.

I was given choices for the coming child’s bedding. One was kind of striped squares all put together but going different directions and with different colors and thickness. The other was paisley. Frankly, I liked neither. They looked like bedding that a kid named Nigel or Chance would have. But it wasn’t a big deal, if the wife dug it, that was fine. But she decided that I should like the bedding, so we picked some with zoo animals on it. Much more plebeian looking.

Struck and I saw an X-Wing. It was rad.

I touched it innapropriately, it was made of some kind of hard styrofoam. You would have a better shot of hitting a womprat from 50 parsecs.

House hunting is beginning and I am excited.

Quote Of The Day – “I always thought I hated stupid people. I know now that I’m just insecure, and it hurts my feelings when they don’t laugh at my jokes. Sorry, stupid people, for all those years.” – Jeb Moran, Esquire January 2010, What I’ve Learned.

I love Craving Bagels. It’s like my recliner of rage!

For the past year, I have dumped my 24 Hr Fitness membership and opted to go with the Denver Rec Center Pass. A very good call – compare $75 for 6 months (Denver Rec) to $180 for 6 months at 24 hr Fitness. And there are like 20 Rec Centers all over Denver that I can use. The only bummer is that the rec center’s hours are like the bank. They close for every stupid holiday and are open only until 7PM. But I as a person who makes a good out of every bad, I decided it just makes me better at organizing my time. And it has.

But on New Year Day, they were closed. That’s stupid. What about all the people who want to start their day off on a healthy note? My only option was to hit up 24-hr fitness with my lady friend.

The weights at 24 hr are pretty cush. But there is one thing that ruins it all for me, I feel like I’m on the set of Jersey Shore. And thus, I have identified my most recent pet peeve: girls who wear baseball hats real low, like SUPER low with a bend in their bill that hides half of their faces. This was the cool way to wear a hat… like, in college. I’m thinking 1994-1999. I used to wear hats like that.

But now, I believe it’s just the “butta-face’s” who do this. Gym fashion has always confused me. My outfit of choice: shorts, t-shirt. Often does not match. I do not care. I am at the gym to do my lifting and get it over with as soon as possible. I do not “mosey” or walk real slow in a tank top, hoping that people notice my big guns as I go from machine to machine. I do my reps, and move quickly. My goal is to GET OUT OF THERE, that stuffy, stinky gym, and on with my life in 45 minutes. Most people at Denver Rec Centers are like that.

At 24 Hour Fitness, it’s a lot different. Then those fancy gym people go home and probably update their facebook status: “Just got back from the gym” so that everyone will know.

Thanks for letting me sit in my recliner of rage, Dan.

Carry on.

P.S. Dan, I am thinking of using your blog to post videos and stories from my new pedicabbing job. I get to see a lot of funny shit. Like Sat night I came across Lodos where this super-drunk girl was screaming at cops who were arresting her friend, “He lifted up her skirt! He lifted up her skirt!!!” in a blood-curdling sort of way. She was also crying. No one was really paying attention to her, so she decided to revise her story, “HE RAPED HER!!!!”. Then her friends who looked really annoyed finally grabbed her and told her to shut the fuck up if she didn’t want to go to jail too. It was hilarious. I probably watched 7 people fall and 3 girls crying. I love it. I am going to start bringing a little camcorder with me to work.

8-8. YAY. The Broncos are mediocre! Not as bad as I thought, not as good as I thought after week 6. At least I can gear up on some Broncos sale items, I need some new shirts for sure.

I am one episode away from finishing Lost Season 3 re-watch. Time well spent.

I have not made resolutions for this new year. I am perfect and need to change nothing. I have however made resolutions for other people. I keep these in my head and think about them when I see people. It’s probably not fair to tell them to their face, so I just concentrate on not letting my face show that I think they need work. This pretty much includes everyone I know, and I hope they see what needs to be done to improve themselves for me.

Quote Of The Day – “Dog spelled backwards is God. That’s pretty heavy.” – Ornette Coleman, Jazzman.

Angie and I watched her Idaho Vandals in the Humanitarian Bowl yesterday. They were up 14, blew the lead, gave up a touchdown with 30 seconds left, then scored a touchdown and converted the 2 point conversion to win. When they were down Angie started saying, “worst team ever!” and the like. They usually are pretty bad. But I kept the faith and I was rewarded by Preston Davis. Preston has a nice ring to it.

Here’s a video I made last night, kind of an experiment in using Windows Movie Maker. It’s pretty crappy, and I think it degrades the resolution, but it’s free so whatever.

For the first time in years, we have no New Years plans. Angie is pregnant and I work at 6am so I am tired by 8pm. I bet there’s no way in hell I’m up at midnight, although I guess 2010 might be a good one to see, being a new decade and all.

Quote Of The Day – “Goonies never say die.” – The Hobbit Goonie.

Stupid thoughts:

A few weeks ago, I wondered aloud to my brother why they don’t have cold chocolate for the summer if they have hot chocolate for the winter. He said they do, it’s called ‘chocolate milk’. But I don’t think chocolate milk warmed up would taste like hot chocolate, or hot chocolate left to cool tastes like chocolate milk. It’s a whole different animal. I think there is an untapped market here.

I wondered to cubicle mate Neeta about the opposite of a comb over. Maybe a guy with only hair on top would do a bald over and cover his embarrassing hair with bald. She called me dumb, and rightly so.

Last night I watched Miracle at St. Anna, a Spike Lee movie about black soldiers in WW2. I had high hopes. What I received was perhaps the worst movie I have ever seen. Battlefield Earth bad. The Happening bad. Bad acting, bad dialogue, bad action, bad plot, bad music, bad make up. It’s rare for a movie to fail in so many places. The battle scenes were like Rambo where he shoots at 20 viet cong and they all fall down together. I was an hour into it, got restless and looked at the Netflix sleeve; I had another hour and 45 minutes to go. So I started fast forwarding, saw some boobs, some dead people, then watched the end. As the main character started crying, I started laughing. So. Stupid.

Quote Of The Day – “You can always grab a towel, put it around your neck, and you’ve got a cape.” – James Spader. My brother lived in a towel cape from ages 2-8 years old.

I am the guy wearing the shirt he got for Christmas on the first day back at work.

I was sick most of the weekend. Got up Saturday, had a fever over a hundred, laid in bed all day sleeping and watching Lost. Yesterday I had that achy back feeling you get from laying in bed too long, so I made myself get up and around most of the day. I watched the Nuggets and Broncos lose, so that’s nice.

There is a phenomenon, I’m not sure what to call it, when the victim of a tragedy becomes annoying due to their outspokeness. Maybe it should be called Goldman Syndrome. I first noticed it with Fred Goldman, the father of Ron Goldman, who was alledgedly murdered by OJ Simpson. More recently I have noticed it with Brian Rohrbough, the father of a Columbine shooting victim, and Cindy Sheehan. I’m not sure when it happens, but the victims of horrible circumstance become unbearable and annoying, and I just want them to shut up. You hate to think they should just fade from the limelight and not try to make a positive from a negative, but at some point I just want to play my violent videogame without somebody trying to take it away.

Quote Of The Day – “We’re really in nut country now.” – John F. Kennedy, in Dallas, November 22, 1963.

My winning streak at Broncos games has ended. Pretty dumb game against the Gayders but at least I was well lubricated. Even if the Broncos lose out I will be satisfied with the season, way better than I thought it would be and the Broncos have Chicago’s pick. The pick should be pretty good since Jay Cutler and the Bears suck.

I watched the Survivor Finale last night. Worst butt-hurt jury ever. How can these people give the millionaire dollars to the chick who did nothing? Russell tricked all their asses and they are butt-hurt. I don’t get people who can’t reconcile that tricking people or being tricked is part of the game, isn’t unethical, and doesn’t reflect on your character outside the game. To say it is unethical to trick people in Survivor is like saying you can’t triple jump someone in Checkers, or you can’t bluff in Poker. And why would they throw their votes all to Natalie instead of Mick if they didn’t like Russell? Mick was just as nice but was more involved in the strategy of the game. I don’t get it. This happens so much that everyone’s strategy should be to find the smartest, most abrasive and strategic player, align with them and make it to the end. Then just admit you did nothing, but were nice (tits help) and collect your check.

Anyway, if you watched the show, here’s a funny interview, Russell is pissed, Natalie is all of a sudden cocky. And here’s Jeff Probst’s take.

Movies:

Avatar – The special effects are pretty cool (I saw in 3d, would recommend), but the plot was pretty formulaic and predictable. At the end I was rooting for the side that I wasn’t supposed to, just because it I was so irritated with the plot. I would recommend it as a one time screening, but I can’t see myself ever watching it again.

Up In The Air – Quality movie, doesn’t seem as good as I’ve heard but I did not predict the end, which is nice. The Twilight ‘friend of Bella’ chick whose mouth looks to small for her teeth is in it and pretty good. Sam Elliott’s role reminded me of his role in The Big Lebowski.

Quote Of The Day – “Let’s rename it “The Social Game” cuz that’s all it is.” – Russell, Survivor Somoa

I have had trouble getting to sleep and have been getting anxious about it, which in turn makes me not able able to sleep. Angie has told me for a couple weeks now that a bath or shower is supposed to relax you. A shower seems like work, having to stand, but I finally gave in to the bath idea. I didn’t want to do it because it seems so feminine, but having grown desperate, last night I gave in. Angie drew a bath (that sounds feminine) and put some smelly bubble bath in (that is feminine) and I got in. Angie further revealed that a nice story may help me as well. She came in and grabbed The Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader off the shitter. Angie’s mom got this for me a couple years ago as kind of a joke, but I ended up just reading it on the couch because I like that kind of shit (pun). Angie opened up the bathroom reader to a random page to read me a story. What she opened up to was “The World’s Greatest Farter”. I thought she was kidding, but aloud, she read about Le Petomane, a french vaudevillian who could fart at will for any length and at any tone. He apparently had quite a run (pun) and grew pretty rich. Le Petomane translates to ‘The Fart Maniac’, and the profession is a fartiste, you really must read about him. The story was inspiring and soothing, when I went to bed I fell asleep within 15 minutes. I told Angie I want this story read to the coming child at bedtime every night.

I have told my cubicle mate Neeta we should do a dual act like Le Petomane and our closing number could be ‘Ebony and Ivory’ (she is a nubian princess). She said no.

I may start DJ’ing under the moniker of DJ Petomane.

My best friend Birdman.

Quote Of The Day – “In my house, Carmelo Anthony is bigger than 50 Cent.” – Curtis Jackson, aka 50 Cent

I am a third of the way into Lost Season 2. Doing well. I forgot how much I hate Ana Lucia.

The Broncos could have beaten the Colts if the offense could have taken advantage of some interceptions. A game I expected to lose but still disappointing.

The wife registered for baby stuff at Baby’R'Us and Target. She did the Baby’R'Us with a friend, then I went to Target with her. My problem is that I focus on monkey related products. When I was little I had Monkey Davis and he was pretty rad, and I always wanted a pet monkey. Whenever I look at clothes or bedding or pack and plays, whatever, I focus on anything that has monkeys on it and want that item for little Terrell Davis. Angie is down with monkeys as well but is not willing to accept all things monkeys, just some things. I try to tell her all monkeys are created equal, but she has more discriminating tastes when it comes to Monkeys. I wish I could find Monkey Davis.

Quote Of The Day – “I think it’s been years.” – U.S. Defense Secretary Robert gates on the last time we had good intel on the location of Osama Bin Laden’s cave.

I started a new shift at work, 6am to 2:30pm. It’s been a few years since I’ve had this shift and I hate it. If I get up at 5am, I need to be asleep by 9pm to get 8 hours of snooze. Most Nuggets and Avalanche games start at 7pm and end between 9:30 and 10pm. Plus if I watch them I am amped and need an hour to wind down. I also feel pressure to get to sleep in general and it makes me not sleep. Many people have told me they would like this shift, getting off early would be great, blah blah blah. It’s really no fun unless you have someone to party with every day. I don’t. I took this shift because the wife asked me to (the other choice was 9:30-6pm). This is how resentment begins.

We are finally caught up on Dexter and it feels great.

I am re-watching Lost Seasons 1-5 before the final 6th season starts in January. I have 1 episode left in Season 1 and already I have seen stuff I forgot about. This is a great use of my time.

Quote Of The Day – “When you have to burp, you burp. And then you say, “Excuse me” very politely.” – Katie Stam, Miss America

Weener status on the fetus is positive, we have weener. All those people that told Angie she was having a girl because of her hunger, treasure trail, low belly, 6th toe, etc. were wrong. Now I don’t have to worry about brushing hair or matching outfits.

Good sports weekend in Denver, Avs won twice, Nuggets won twice, Broncos beat the shit out of the Chiefs. The Broncos should get to 10 wins, good enough for a Wild Card, maybe better. Even if they got 10 wins and missed the playoffs I would be satisfied.

Here’s a video I posted of JR Smith slamming the ball of of Manu Ginobili, the floppingest flopper in all the land. He doesn’t flop too much here, but he is a dipshit. Both JR Smith and Flopper McGinobili will be in my resemblances section today.

Quote Of The Day – “A woman who had everything lost her life to have a slightly firmer behind.” – Roberto Piazza, a friend of Solange Magnano, former Miss Argentina, who died after after having plastic surgery on her ass.

I dedicate this post to Dan, the male who likes cats.

Quote Of The Day – “Call it the decade from hell…” – Time Magazine on the Ones or 00’s or whatever (2000-2009).

Can you guess what this is?

If you said a drawing of Thanksgiving dinner by one of the wife’s students, you would be correct. If you said a conglomeration of dicks and stuff, you would be wrong, just like me.

Quote Of The Day – “When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it’s not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don’t know why. I would just kinda… sit around all day… and draw pictures of dicks.” – Seth, Superbad

I finished 24, Season 4 last night. I bought seasons 1-4 a few years ago and it has taken me awhile to get thru them. I enjoy 24, but it is the most ridiculous show on television. I believe Battlestar Galactica is more realistic than 24. I do enjoy the ‘every show is a cliffhanger’ format, but I bet I wouldn’t if I watched the show on television and had to wait a week for every episode. Season four had terrorists melting down nuclear reactors, shooting down Air Force One (Go Cafiero!), stealing a nuclear device from the US and mounting it on a missile and shooting it at LA and then being shot down by another missile, the chick from Gossip Girl getting killed, agents covertly storming the Chinese Embassy, about 50 federal agents getting capped, etc. The most realistic thing was probably the hairstyles. They were appropriate for the characters and the place and time.

We will find out whether our fetus has a weener or not next Monday. Everyone tells Angie she has a girl in her based on the way she carries the child, her treasure trail (or lack thereof) and pit hair, her eating habits. Both sides of my family are heavy on the boys, so it would be kind of a surprise. If it is a girl, I wonder if I will be the dad who takes the girl out with her hair all jacked up, wearing clothes that don’t match with food on her face and looking like her dad took her out. I see those dads and I feel bad for the little girl everytime.

My cubicle mate Neeta told me her mom calls tortillas, ‘burrito bread’. I guess her mom can’t speak spanish.

Quote Of The Day – “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” – Kate Moss (amongst others, I’m sure). Believe me, sister, I know.

Thanksgiving was good. I ate some food, saw the Broncos win a game. My win streak continues of seeing the Broncos win in person. And Jay Cutler continues to screw up.

Friday morning we decided to sleep in a bit instead of going out early, and we still got most of what we wanted. I haven’t really started shopping for anyone else yet, but I got myself some nice stuff. I set up an Amazon.com wish list this year to help everyone buy me stuff and have found it to be very helpful, no forgetting what I want. I put a metal detector on the list because they look fun, and a telescope because I like space. Angie has told me I am a big nerd because of these items. I think I am a nerd for many reasons other than my Amazon wishlist (like wearing my pants too high). When I get a metal detector and find a bunch of priceless shit and buy her all that fancy shit she wants, then she’ll be sorry.

Jeff and Jordan from Big Brother are dating! My quality of life just went up! (Thanks for info Becca!)

I saw The Road, I liked it a lot. It still made me wanna stock up on supplies for the coming apocalypse. I got a couple of my father in law’s .22 rifles a few months ago. I bought a kit to clean them and take care of them. I will need them functional for holding off the cannabilistic hordes. I may get myself a hand cannon if Angie gives the OK. Also, at Walmart I saw a pack of about 8 lighters for a couple bucks and thought, “those will be priceless when the world as we know it ends, I better stock up.”

Quote Of The Day – “The people of my village and other villages are jubilant. But not because we are drunkards.” – Ognyan Kukov, a town mayor in Bulgaria, celebrating the government’s decision not to raise taxes on alcohol.

The Denver Broncos should have refused the Bye Week and played somebody, anybody. They are awful since then. The offense looks like shit and the defense spends too much time on the field. I was not a fan of an attempted onside kick early in the third. They got some momentum and then it was flushed in a minute. It was a desperate movie in a game that was still within reach. At least Jay Cutler keeps losing.

I had to see Twilight 2: Rise Of The Lichens. It was ok. The Main Vulcan in the movie is actually Lucius from the Underworld movies. Quick thought: The werewolves in human form are hairless and
muscle-y. Edward the vampire is hairy and looks ordinary. I like to think that is a commentary on something important, but more likely it is because Robert Pattison is British and not self conscious. It seems like British actors just don’t care, they are kind of in shape, better than most, but just passable with chest hair, like Clive Owens or Ewan McGregor. American actors get all six-packy, like Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey. Maybe that is a stereotype I made up, it seems true though. I am not really one to talk, since Angie told me today I look more pregnant than her.

Movies:

Twilight 2: Rise Of The Lichens – It was ok, a little drab. I echo’d Kristen Stewart’s emotionally torn performance throughout the movie by being torn between Brewery Bar or Outback for dinner throughout the movie. Milan Hejduk was 2 feet from me in line, he took his kids to see Planet 51 I think, so that was rad. I did like Dakota Fanning, which is natural since Angie hates her.

Precious – It was good, not as good to me as all the awards wiould suggest. Monique was fun. I felt like at the end of the movie I was supposed to feel a little uplifted, but I didn’t, but maybe I wasn’t supposed to. I hate stories of triumph over adversity for the most part, and this one wasn’t really that.

The Killing Room – Nick Cannon in a movie about the US government looking for suicide bombers by killing civilians trapped in a room. Ohhhhh Kay.

Pineapple Express – Weed movies are always pretty funny but leave you feeling dumber after watching them. No nudity is perghaps it’s biggest downfall.

Quote Of The Day – “It smells like God’s Vagina.” – James Franco talking about Pineapple Express.

My cubicle mate Neeta went and saw Twilight 2: Rise Of The Lycans last night at 12:01am. She said it was good. Kate Beckinsale is hot. I believe Angie has scheduled us to see Twilight 2: Rise Of The Lycans this weekend, maybe Sunday morning. When we saw Twilight 1: Cedric Diggory Boogaloo a girl around 15 kicked the back of my seat the whole time. It was then that I decided I would always sit at the back of a theatre unless it was empty. I went to see Zombieland a while ago on a weekday and the theatre was pretty empy, so I sat halfway up, middle. Right before the movie started a couple of guys came in and sat right in front of me and to the side and started yapping loudly thru the first 5 minutes, so I moved to the back of the theatre and learned my lesson. Theater or theatre?

This guy in Twilight 2: Rise Of The Lycans grew up in Angie’s hometown of Lewiston, ID.

I shave my legs in the winter because no one will see.

Quote Of The Day – “He was definitely starting to learn it.” – D’Armond Speers, linguist and Minnesota resident, on what happened when he spoke only Klingon to his son for the first three years of his life.

I usually take my lunch to work, so when I don’t and and I go out instead, it is special. When this special moment is screwed up, I get angry. I got a soup and sandwhich combo to go from a place called Corner Bakery today. That’s what I ordered anyway. What I actually got was no soup and the wrong sandwhich. My lunch being a short amount of time, I ate it, and now everytime I burp I am reminded that I got the wrong meal.

The wife is conducting parent-teacher conferences this week. This usually consists of her going to school early and staying late even though parents do not show up and don’t call ahead to cancel and then expect her to work extra on Fridays or any day of their lame rude ass choosing. What it also consists of is me having a few evenings to myself. I usually try to set up some time with friends I haven’t seen in awhile. Tonight I will see Christa, Bergen, and Heather. Friends from college I never see anymore. Christa and Bergen lived next door to me in the dorms. We will engage in ‘remember when’, the lowest form of communication. But we have many hilarious things to remember.

Christy put this in my comments area for the last post, but I am putting it in a regular post. As someone who digs Michael McDonald, especially ‘What A Fool Believes’ with the Doobies and his work on Steely Dan’s Aja, the more Michael McDonald the better. Even if it is some weird birthday message.

Quote Of The Day – “Remember When’ is the lowest form of communication.” – Tony Soprano.

Quote Of The Day – “They just beat us straight up and down” – Kobe Bryant, 11/13/09 vs Nuggets

I have been driving the wife’s car more recently. She has a Toyota Corolla. Sometimes I feel dumb in it, like it’s not a manly car. It is tinted, so people can’t see me in it, but getting in and out of it makes me self consious. Sometimes I act like it’s not my car if I think people are watching. I’ll play with the keys like they are unfamiliar to me, or I’ll over adjust the seat or mirrors. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t think anyone cares. Caring about people caring about my car might be prescription drug worthy. My road rage in it is a little better since it has little power, but when I am yelling or cussing at someone I realize I am in a Corolla and this makes me feel like someone with a Napolean complex.

After watching Jay Cutler last night, it re-confirms everything about him. When his team gets behind, he believes in his arm strength more than checking down and will always throw interceptions. Whether he actually feels like one, he looks like a petulant child when things go wrong, and I think his team sees it. Kyle Orton may not be the answer in Denver, but we aren’t tied to him. His deal is up this year and we have draft picks. The Bears gave Cutler a long term deal worth tons of money, and maybe he will end up ok. The Broncos did not extend Orton after early success, and they still have flexibility. When I first heard the Broncos gave up their own first rounder to Seattle for an early second round pick instead of Chicago’s, I thought McDaniels was a dumb shit. Once again, he looks smarter than most.

Here’s a video I captured of the Chicago Bulls Joakim Noah making a weird noise. Listen carefully. It’s weird.

Here’s a shorter one if you want to isolate it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tK7pIMWPiw8

Quote Of The Day – “Arah-ah” – Joakim Noah vs Denver Nuggets, 11/10/09. Paraphrased due to inaudibility.

Yesterday on the way to work I was listening to my Ipod on shuffle. A song from the Better Off Dead soundtrack came on, the one with the chorus, “I’ve been arrested by you, take me in…”, I’m sure you know the one. Yes, I own the Better Off Dead soundtrack. Right when the chorus started, a previously stealth cop car turn on its’s lights to pull someone over. Freaky. The lady getting pulled over kind of freaked out, she turned left at the light, then wanted to turn left again thru a light and decided to just run a red light. Being someone who gets pulled over 3 or 4 times a year for various infractions, I don’t understand the nervousness, just take your time, find a good spot and keep your hands on the wheel when Johnny approaches.

Quote Of The Day – “If you get raped at one of my shows you’re probably better off for it.” GG Allin

My brother got DJ Hero but doesn’t have an XBox 360. I have an XBox 360 but don’t have DJ Hero. It got all Reeses Pieces up in my crib yesterday. There was some scratchin’ and cross fadin’ and button pushing going down. The jams are basically two songs mashed up. My brother and I wanted straight hip hop cut ups but the game is full of of radio rock songs mixed. Thinking about it, I know I would like X-cutioners, Rock Raida, Q-Bert, DJ Premier, DJ Shadow and straight hip hop cut ups, but that wouldn’t sell to the masses. So we get Third Eye Blind and the Black Eyed Peas. Straight hip hop and turntablist songs would work better I think, but still fun.

Angie decided to use the crock pot yesterday for the first time. We bought a hunk of meat, some veggies and spices and she dumped it in. She used a recipe from somewhere. Of course the house start smelling like cooking food and she did not like it. Afte a few house we stuck the crock pot on the balcony, but subsequent checks revealed the outlet wasn’t working. I pressed in the reset button and the outlet started rocking, but it was too late, it was way behind schedule. We brought the crock pot back in to cook longer, but Angie again hated the smell. Therefore, I went and picked up Pasquinis and stuck the crock pot food in a bowl in the fridge and I will eat it tonight.

Quote Of The Day – “DJ Cat Lady on the 1’s and 2’s. Drop it on the 1.” – Me.

Angie’s cousin’s family is stationed at Ft. Hood in Kileen, Texas, but not on base. Steve is in Iraq and Christina and the kids live off base. I was pleased to hear they were fine after yesterday’s shootings. I did not know if the kids went to school on base or not, and I did not have their phone number. I thought about calling Angie to get their phone number but I didn’t want to freak her out. So I waited, and it turned out ok for them. We visited them last February and went on base, so here’s some pics from the trip.

Aubrey and Brycen are my best friends.

Angie thinks Aubrey is her best friend. She’s wrong.

The whole Schmidt family.

Driving into the Hood. Shitloads of people live on base. I was told the base has a gang problem.

Military bases are littered with old military equipment, thus most of my pictures are of old war machines.

Strangely, I did not get a picture with the actual sign that says Fort Hood. That is photographic journalism 101, people. I failed.

Movies:

Reign Of Fire – Not bad for a movie about dragons taking over the world.
Catch Me If You Can – Fine. Not brilliant, not awful.
The Ruins – Pretty stupid. Killer plants that really only kill one of the five or six main people. There was a little t&a to save it from complete disaster.

Quote Of The Day – “I have trouble listening to what he says sometimes because of the blood that drips from his teeth while he’s talking.” – Alan Grayson D-Florida, talking about Penis Cheney.

Super Mario Bros. Wii looks rad!

Quote Of The Day – “Luigi make-a da pizza, why you gotta make fun?” – Pizza guy in a Simpson’s episode. I paraphrased from my memory.

I watched ‘V’ last night. It was ok, the acting wasn’t great, but there were some hot aliens/visitors and it has Juliet from Lost and I like her. The plot was kind of interesting but a little sporadic. Juliet (she will always be Juliet) is an FBI agent, she goes to a meeting that is attacked by Visitors (including her FBI partner who is an Visitor in disguise) and within a segment she is planning resisance with a priest. No period to reflect or plan or understand, just jumps right in. But again, I like Juliet. I watched the original ‘V’ series in the 80’s and I loved it. I watched it a couple years ago and it was way lamer than I remembered, but still good. But again, I like Juliet. Two of the actors were in Firefly, I like that show.

Juliet is Elizabeth Mitchell. I like her.

The original bad guy of the Visitors in ‘V’, Diana (Jane Badler). She totally looks lizardy, yet bad girl hot. Rad laser gun.

Quote Of The Day – “I like Juliet.” – Me

I went to Idaho this last weekend and attended the Homecoming game. They were down the whole time but won because the other teams kicker missed an extra point in the 3rd quarter. At that point I told Ash Idaho would win by 1. They did. What was also down was me. My tricky ankles tricked me again. I drank 6 or 7 beers, then went to the game and started walking down the stairs. My ankle gave out about 3 times in a row. I kept bouncing up and going down. I leaned on a guy accidently, I looked back and said my ankle went out but he looked at me like, ‘whatever drunko’. He had a point. I wish I could have seen it. Ash did, he said it was great. So now my ankle hurts again, may need to break out the brace.

My work computer has been dead since last Wednesday. I can’t edit and post pictures because I am on a loaner. What instigated the PC failure was moving desks. They rearranged some people here and I had to move about 15 feet to a new desk. I am not allowed to move my own PC so some IT guys did. Somewhere in the 15 foot move, they ruined my PC. I dunno how that happens. That sounds as dumb as rolling your ankle 3 times at a football game.

I read ‘The Road’ by Cormac McCarthy this weekend while flying, it is really good. The movie will be released this month. I also read ‘Dies The Fire’ these last couple weeks. Both are basically about apocalypse or disaster where there is no more technology and people revert to midieval stuff. Makes me wanna buy some guns. ‘Dies The Fire’ was not as good, but it has several sequels, I may give the second one a shot.

Quote Of The Day – “Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever, he said. You might want to think about that.” – The Man, The Road