This site is currently under renovation. there
will be no new updates for a bit as I try to make my site a bit more
contemporary. All 3 readers of this site should know
CravingBagels.com will be back shortly stupider than ever. Until
then, please revisit some of dumbass links on the toolbar on the
left. Your left, not mine.
One of the worst things on Earth is when you go see
a movie that is going to be crowded, and you are the designated seat
saver. I saw Lord Of The Rings with 3 other people yesterday and
ended up having to fend off countless seat mongers trying to gank our
seats while my friends were getting refreshments. For some reason
people thought that even though my whole section was full, everyone before
them must have missed these 3 prime seats. So they come up and ask
me about them, I say they are taken, (pointing to the coats laying on the
seats, I mean come on, hint hint, seats don't wear coats, everyone
knows that) and the people give me looks like they're smellin'
onions. I want to tell them to cry me a river, but I am the better
man, so I just mock them by rubbing my eyes and whimpering.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Bite the wax tadpole."-
Coca Cola as originally translated into chinese.
steppin' to me. Caf says-
Well it happened again.
I spent hours of brainstorming and thought of a
new invention that is going to make me rico. I remember writing a
while ago in regard to public toilets and how they are sick. So my
invention: Cafiero's CRAZY germ-free public toilet seat.
Here's how it
works - you know when you get a new cell phone (Ash
and Craig should know
what I am talking about - I bet they dispose of their cell phones when the
batteries die and buy a new one...) there is that thin, clear piece of
plastic that protects the LCD screen from being scratched? Well, my
toilet seat would have about 400 of these thin plastic covers with a loop
that is behind where the dude sits. Unseen, there is a hook that
move. The toilet seat rotates after a flush, the hook grabs the loop
it rotates and peels off the top, germy layer! It automatically
the plastic and the owner can recycle these to be made into plastic cups
and KFC sporks! When the last layer is peeled, the owner simply puts
new seat of 400 layers!
Well, my mom says the Chicago Airport has something like this.
Bitch. What have I done to deserve this!
My dad invented the Shmop. I don't think it's going to make him much
money. Basically they are mop shoes. The part that fits
your foot like
a shoe is waterproof so yo feet dont be gettin wet. Then the bottom
you guessed it, a little mop. His USP: The Shmop keeps your kitchen
clean and you get a great workout.
Thanks, Dan for allowing me to write another guest spiel. HOPE THIS
ISN'T TOO OFFENSIVE FOR YOUR THREE READERS! Sunnnnn BITCH!
QUOTE OF THE DAY- ""I bought you a $10 dolla' dinna' and you
said 'Thanks for the snack!'."- B.B. King, in a blues song
about some ho who don't appreciate a good ten
dolla' dinna' or anything for that matter!
Prez Bush had some lesions removed from his
face. So did Reagan, his nose more specifically. Reagan also
had some cancer removed from his colon and many joked that this meant
Reagan had his head up his ass. The logic would follow that Lil' Bush
also had his head up Reagan's ass.
In my opinion, there are 2 types of people who
participate in pot luck's, where a bunch of people bring a dish for a
group meal: Those who want diarrhea, and those who wish to be around
people who have diarrhea. I could be wrong,
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You know what would make a
good story? Something about a clown that makes people happy, but
inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."- Jack
I saw the Nutcracker last weekend. I would
think it is called that because of the pants the dudes wear, but all
ballets have them. It is painful to see a man's genitals tied up
like a deer on a hood. I tried not to notice but I was in the front
row, and they were calling me, man. "Look over here....look over
here", they said, until finally there was a chorus of
restricted nutters singing to me like the Sirens song that lured sailors
to their deaths. I looked up and realized I missed the entire dance
of the Sugar Plum Fairy. Damn nutters.
Also, since I was in the front row, I saw the orchestra up close.
People who make fun of the guy who plays the triangle have obviously never
seen it up close. That guy works hard to make different notes come
out. But then again, it is just a stupid triangle.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
TV by candlelight."- Comedien George Gobel
Dan Issel, the coach of the Denver Nuggets, called a
guy "(expletive) Mexican piece of (expletive)". Some will
take offense to that and I can see why. People focus on the "Mexican" part, but I
don't know why. I don't know any Mexicans who are ashamed of being
called a "Mexican". Calling someone who is Mexican a
Mexican is not a slur in my opinion. But going further, is Issel
saying he is a piece of (expletive) because he is of Mexican descent, or a
Mexican who happens to be a piece of (expletive)? Hopefully the
latter, rather than the former, but who knows what Issel really
meant. Either way, he shouldn't have said it. I know when people call me
piece of (expletive)", I wear the tag happily, because there is a
long, distinguished line of Scottish pieces of (expletive).
But I think being called an (expletive) not once, but twice in the same
sentence is unnecessary. It doesn't bother me personally, and
I haven't seen the tape, but I read Issel used (expletive) twice, and that
is disgraceful. I fucking hate (expletive)'s.
How do you stay regular, stay healthy and
get the great taste of fish in a can? Why,
with Branchovies of course. Combining anchovies with bran
gives you the daily bowel movement you crave, lowers cholesterol and gives
you natural fish oil to keep your coat sheen. And what better to
wake up to a fresh new morning than by eating Branchovie
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Cracker-ass cracker!"- Chris Rock
Not every actor/actress in movies is labeled a movie
star. Even if you've been in a lot of movies, you are not
necessarily a movie star. The porn industry takes this rule of thumb
and throws it out the backdoor (pun intended). Everyone in a porn
movie is a porn star. There are no supporting actors, or bit parts,
etc. Everyone in the porn industry has to have great self esteem
being a star and all. We all can learn something from them. All that
glitters is gold.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Somebody hits me, I'm going
to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in
awhile."- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan
opponent in the Olympics.
Doesn't the American Taliban, John Walker, know that
shaggy is out this year? If he really wanted to help the Taliban out
he could have brought over some cargo pants and sweaters. Ambercrombie
& Fitch is the target of much scorn here, but I think oppressing
people in the rags the Taliban wears is just awful, and A& F would
wear well in that climate. Lets face it, he isn't representing
us well at all. Bed head is in, but he takes it way too
far. Newsweek said
he pretended to be black on a Hip Hop message board, but he didn't use any
of that street smart, hip dress code when he went over there.
Remember, it is ok to be poor when studying religion, but there is no
excuse to dress poorly. Perhaps I am being an ego-centrist here, but
I think America is the best. Also, John Walker is putting a bad name
to one of my favorite scotch's, Johnny Walker, and for this he should
pay. (He should also for being a traitorous son of a bitch)
Apparently some people are instructed to take coffee enemas by
doctors. Some may do it without the advice of a physician. The
history of the coffee enema is long and storied and a search on google
will provide you with all the details you need. And when I say need,
I mean it. The best part of waking up is Folgers in your butt.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I am not a vegetarian
because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate
plants."- A. Whitney Brown.
Here is my friend Mark.
(I do not agree with anything Mark says)
Just eating some popcorn
here, and decided I wanted to share another one
of "Mark's special little gifts". Sounds silly, but when you are
with a measly salary, you are forced to find the little things in life to
appreciate and get excited about....
So many people, when eating popcorn miss the most exciting part of it. I
just adore the little, 1/2 popped kernels. I hate the non-popped kernels,
enjoy the fully-popped kernels, but LOVE the little half-popped kernels.
Sometimes ya really gotta hunt them down and smoke 'em out of their caves,
but they ARE there. Usually they are found at the bottom of the bag...
under all the fully-popped kernels. They have just the perfect amount of
crunch! I am often asked if I would prefer to have ALL kernels in the bag
half-popped. Surprise! The answer is NO! What makes these little pieces
of heaven so special is the fact that they are NOT a commodity. They are
a delicacy! Don't waste your time by inventing a popcorn popper that only
pops half-way. NOT interested.
Sorry, Harley, for misspelling Sturjes. Didn't mean to offend you there.
I am not the offensive type! And regarding Indians, all I can say is that
those drunk bastards can go back to wherever they came from for all I am
concerned! They get offended too easily and need to R E L A X ! ! But...
I guess if there were no Indians, there would be no Indian corn or Indian
jewelry and that would be a huge loss. I wonder if there is such thing as
Indian popcorn... (?) Ok, I am out and I will be wearing a bike helmet to
bed for the next month or two. I do not need to get scalped during the
prime of my life while I am sleeping! Wait... what am I thinking!
Indians don't have computers and even if they did, it would have to be
battery operated because I don't think TeePee's have outlets, or DSL
lines. Ok, I'm safe!
(I like Indians. Mark likes the 1st Amendment.)
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is
when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."- Emo Philips.
Fear factor had a celebrity edition last week.
It had David Hasselhoff, Donnie Osmond, Coolio, Chyna, and Kelly
Preston. It was a veritable potpourri of some of the biggest losers
in the entertainment industry. The only person they missed was Jason
Hervey from the Wonder Years. To call that a celebrity edition is a
travesty. Has there ever been a more inconsequential group of famous
people ever gathered? I will now list each of their achievements:
Davis Hasselhoff- He is obviously the hero of the group. He
hangs with hot chicks on Baywatch, drove a talking car, and is renowned in
Europe for his smooth as silk singing voice.
Donnie Osmond- I don't know what the hell this guy did besides
singing with his relatives and having big teeth.
Coolio- Was a crack head, gained street cred when mentioned in the
Snoop Dogg song "Doggy Dogg World", parlayed said street
cred into an album, promptly sold out with "Gangsta's
Paradise", lack of crack made Coolio uptight and he got mad at Weird
Al Yankovic for "Amish Paradise". No one has given a shit
about him in 5 years. Oh, he had pipe-cleaner hairdo.
Chyna- As a man, has now had 2 ghoulish spreads in Playboy. Oh, the
Kelly Preston- Showed titties in "Mischief" (very nice),
career hit the toilet, joined $cientology, conveniently married fellow $cientologist
John Travolta to help get rid of rumors Travolta had a long term
homosexual relationship with his trainer, didn't even get a lead
part in Battlefield Earth, the shittiest movie ever. She still got
to wear the dreads and moon boots, though.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I would not be able to know about that."-