Spiels- December 01
      -There is a fine line between clever and stupid

Random Thoughts- 


This site is currently under renovation.  there will be no new updates for a bit as I try to make my site a bit more contemporary.  All 3 readers of this site should know CravingBagels.com will be back shortly stupider than ever.  Until then, please revisit some of dumbass links on the toolbar on the left.  Your left, not mine.


One of the worst things on Earth is when you go see a movie that is going to be crowded, and you are the designated seat saver.  I saw Lord Of The Rings with 3 other people yesterday and ended up having to fend off countless seat mongers trying to gank our seats while my friends were getting refreshments.  For some reason people thought that even though my whole section was full, everyone before them must have missed these 3 prime seats.  So they come up and ask me about them, I say they are taken, (pointing to the coats laying on the seats, I mean come on, hint hint,  seats don't wear coats, everyone knows that) and the people give me looks like they're smellin' onions.  I want to tell them to cry me a river, but I am the better man, so I just mock them by rubbing my eyes and whimpering.  

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Bite the wax tadpole."- Coca Cola as originally translated into chinese.


Cafiero is steppin' to me.  Caf says-

Well it happened again.  I spent hours of brainstorming and thought of a
new invention that is going to make me rico.  I remember writing a spiel a
while ago in regard to public toilets and how they are sick.  So my
invention:  Cafiero's CRAZY germ-free public toilet seat.  Here's how it
works - you know when you get a new cell phone (Ash and Craig should know
what I am talking about - I bet they dispose of their cell phones when the
batteries die and buy a new one...) there is that thin, clear piece of
plastic that protects the LCD screen from being scratched?  Well, my
toilet seat would have about 400 of these thin plastic covers with a loop
that is behind where the dude sits.  Unseen, there is a hook that does not
move.  The toilet seat rotates after a flush, the hook grabs the loop as
it rotates and peels off the top, germy layer!  It automatically disposes
the plastic and the owner can recycle these to be made into plastic cups
and KFC sporks!  When the last layer is peeled, the owner simply puts on a
new seat of 400 layers!

Well, my mom says the Chicago Airport has something like this.  Sunnnnn
Bitch.  What have I done to deserve this!

My dad invented the Shmop.  I don't think it's going to make him much
money.  Basically they are mop shoes.  The  part that fits your foot like
a shoe is waterproof so yo feet dont be gettin wet.  Then the bottom is..
you guessed it, a little mop.  His USP: The Shmop keeps your kitchen floor
clean and you get a great workout.

Thanks, Dan for allowing me to write another guest spiel.  HOPE THIS ONE

QUOTE OF THE DAY- ""I bought you a $10 dolla' dinna' and you said 'Thanks for the snack!'."- B.B. King, in  a blues song about some ho who don't appreciate a good ten
dolla' dinna' or anything for that matter!


Prez Bush had some lesions removed from his face.  So did Reagan, his nose more specifically.  Reagan also had some cancer removed from his colon and many joked that this meant Reagan had his head up his ass.  The logic would follow that Lil' Bush also had his head up Reagan's ass.  

In my opinion, there are 2 types of people who participate in pot luck's, where a bunch of people bring a dish for a group meal:  Those who want diarrhea, and those who wish to be around people who have diarrhea.  I could be wrong, though.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown that makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.  Also, he has severe diarrhea."- Jack Handey.


I saw the Nutcracker last weekend.  I would think it is called that because of the pants the dudes wear, but all ballets have them.  It is painful to see a man's genitals tied up like a deer on a hood.  I tried not to notice but I was in the front row, and they were calling me, man. "Look over here....look over here",  they said, until finally there was a chorus of restricted nutters singing to me like the Sirens song that lured sailors to their deaths.  I looked up and realized I missed the entire dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.  Damn nutters.

Also, since I was in the front row, I saw the orchestra up close.  People who make fun of the guy who plays the triangle have obviously never seen it up close.  That guy works hard to make different notes come out.  But then again, it is just a stupid triangle.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching TV by candlelight."- Comedien George Gobel


Dan Issel, the coach of the Denver Nuggets, called a guy "(expletive) Mexican piece of (expletive)".  Some will take offense to that and I can see why.    People focus on the "Mexican" part, but I don't know why.  I don't know any Mexicans who are ashamed of being called a "Mexican".  Calling someone who is Mexican a Mexican is not a slur in my opinion.  But going further, is Issel saying he is a piece of (expletive) because he is of Mexican descent, or a Mexican who happens to be a piece of (expletive)?  Hopefully the latter, rather than the former, but who knows what Issel really meant.  Either way, he shouldn't have said it.  I know when people call me a "Scottish piece of (expletive)", I wear the tag happily, because there is a long, distinguished line of Scottish pieces of (expletive).   But I think being called an (expletive) not once, but twice in the same sentence is unnecessary.  It doesn't bother me personally, and  I haven't seen the tape, but I read Issel used (expletive) twice, and that is disgraceful.  I fucking hate (expletive)'s. 

How do you stay regular, stay healthy and
get the great taste of fish in a can?  Why, with Branchovies™ of course.  Combining anchovies with bran gives you the daily bowel movement you crave, lowers cholesterol and gives you natural fish oil to keep your coat sheen.  And what better to wake up to a fresh new morning than by eating Branchovie™ Muffins?  

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Cracker-ass cracker!"- Chris Rock


Not every actor/actress in movies is labeled a movie star.  Even if you've been in a lot of movies, you are not necessarily a movie star.  The porn industry takes this rule of thumb and throws it out the backdoor (pun intended).  Everyone in a porn movie is a porn star.  There are no supporting actors, or bit parts, etc.  Everyone in the porn industry has to have great self esteem being a star and all.  We all can learn something from them. All that glitters is gold.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back.  Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in awhile."-  Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan opponent in the Olympics.


Doesn't the American Taliban, John Walker, know that shaggy is out this year?  If he really wanted to help the Taliban out he could have brought over some cargo pants and sweaters. Ambercrombie & Fitch is the target of much scorn here, but I think oppressing people in the rags the Taliban wears is just awful, and A& F would wear well in that climate.   Lets face it, he isn't representing us well at all.  Bed head is in, but he takes it way too far.   Newsweek said he pretended to be black on a Hip Hop message board, but he didn't use any of that street smart, hip dress code when he went over there.  Remember, it is ok to be poor when studying religion, but there is no excuse to dress poorly.  Perhaps I am being an ego-centrist here, but I think America is the best.  Also, John Walker is putting a bad name to one of my favorite scotch's, Johnny Walker, and for this he should pay.  (He should also for being a traitorous son of a bitch)

Apparently some people are instructed to take coffee enemas by doctors.  Some may do it without the advice of a physician.  The history of the coffee enema is long and storied and a search on google will provide you with all the details you need.  And when I say need, I mean it.  The best part of waking up is Folgers in your butt.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals.  I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."- A. Whitney Brown.


Here is my friend Mark.  (I do not agree with anything Mark says)

Just eating some popcorn here, and decided I wanted to share another one
of "Mark's special little gifts". Sounds silly, but when you are stuck
with a measly salary, you are forced to find the little things in life to
appreciate and get excited about....

So many people, when eating popcorn miss the most exciting part of it. I
just adore the little, 1/2 popped kernels. I hate the non-popped kernels,
enjoy the fully-popped kernels, but LOVE the little half-popped kernels.
Sometimes ya really gotta hunt them down and smoke 'em out of their caves,
but they ARE there. Usually they are found at the bottom of the bag...
under all the fully-popped kernels. They have just the perfect amount of
crunch! I am often asked if I would prefer to have ALL kernels in the bag
half-popped. Surprise! The answer is NO! What makes these little pieces
of heaven so special is the fact that they are NOT a commodity. They are
a delicacy! Don't waste your time by inventing a popcorn popper that only
pops half-way. NOT interested.

Sorry, Harley, for misspelling Sturjes. Didn't mean to offend you there.
I am not the offensive type! And regarding Indians, all I can say is that
those drunk bastards can go back to wherever they came from for all I am
concerned! They get offended too easily and need to R E L A X ! ! But...
I guess if there were no Indians, there would be no Indian corn or Indian
jewelry and that would be a huge loss. I wonder if there is such thing as
Indian popcorn... (?) Ok, I am out and I will be wearing a bike helmet to
bed for the next month or two. I do not need to get scalped during the
prime of my life while I am sleeping! Wait... what am I thinking!
Indians don't have computers and even if they did, it would have to be
battery operated because I don't think TeePee's have outlets, or DSL
lines. Ok, I'm safe!


(I like Indians.  Mark likes the 1st Amendment.)

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."- Emo Philips.


Fear factor had a celebrity edition last week.  It had David Hasselhoff, Donnie Osmond, Coolio, Chyna, and Kelly Preston.  It was a veritable potpourri of some of the biggest losers in the entertainment industry.  The only person they missed was Jason Hervey from the Wonder Years.  To call that a celebrity edition is a travesty.  Has there ever been a more inconsequential group of famous people ever gathered?  I will now list each of their achievements:

Davis Hasselhoff-  He is obviously the hero of the group.  He hangs with hot chicks on Baywatch, drove a talking car, and is renowned in Europe for his smooth as silk singing voice.

Donnie Osmond-  I don't know what the hell this guy did besides singing with his relatives and having big teeth.

Coolio-  Was a crack head, gained street cred when mentioned in the Snoop Dogg song "Doggy Dogg World",  parlayed said street cred into an album, promptly sold out with "Gangsta's Paradise", lack of crack made Coolio uptight and he got mad at Weird Al Yankovic for "Amish Paradise".  No one has given a shit about him in 5 years. Oh, he had pipe-cleaner hairdo.

Chyna- As a man, has now had 2 ghoulish spreads in Playboy.  Oh, the humanity.

Kelly Preston-  Showed titties in "Mischief" (very nice), career hit the toilet, joined $cientology, conveniently married fellow $cientologist John Travolta to help get rid of  rumors Travolta had a long term homosexual relationship with his trainer,  didn't even get a lead part in Battlefield Earth, the shittiest movie ever.  She still got to wear the dreads and moon boots, though. 
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I would not be able to know about that."- Co-worker Ian.

Contact Daniel James Davis, Esquire
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