-There is a fine line between clever and stupid
It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome.
I graduated from college in 1998 and have spent my days in a cubicle ever since. My degree was in Journalism and recently I used my degree for the first time. Someone said libel when they meant slander, and luckily I was there to correct them. On my 5 year anniversary for my company, I got some chinese food and a portable cd walkman. People say loyalty is dead! HA! Right now my job consists of programming and troubleshooting an IP phone system, just what I always dreamed of when I was a tyke.
I like sports and guns and playing in dirt. I got me some Denver Broncos and Denver Nuggets season tickets. To fulfill my nerd quotient, I like Dune, Lord Of The Rings, Stars Wars and Harry Potter (if anyone wants to discuss the missing Death Eater in Goblet Of Fire, let me know). I like classic rock and hip hop. I may be a cracker but I'm the Ritz. The difference between rap and hip hop is like the difference between rock and grunge.
I have a few stupid/annoying habits or tendencies. Any question someone asks me in person, I will answer Jose Canseco. It used to be Jose Uribe who played for the SF Giants in the 80's. I don't know when I switched, but I signed my 6th grade year book to myself from Jose Canseco. I say "cheese" a lot. When I see people I know, I point at them, kinda like "gotcha!". I chew gum loud. I sing all the time, usually nonsense songs. When I sing actual songs, I change the words to nonsense or dirty lyrics. When I drink, I lose the ability to differentiate volume (sound, not cubic units). I am a culture snob, whether it's movies, music or books. I repeat myself. I tell the same stories over and over. I am a pack rat and save everything. I collect meaningless things. I am a horrible dresser, my best shirt is from the fall collection, 2000. I wear a hat all the time. When I try to shop, my orangutan arms and giraffe legs make it difficult. I debate people for no reason and sometimes make them cry. I try to be funny to children, but I end up making them cry. I have bad posture. I nitpick at myself.
I have a cat named Doug. He is a a pure bred Persian. His paws are bigger than my face and are very Grinch like, with wisps of hair extending past each individual paw. I had a cat who couldn't be faded, Chuck, but he tragically died. I am no longer a single guy with a cat, which I hear makes me less homosexual. My special lady friend Angie can attest to my masculinity. It practically reeks from my ripped torso. Angie's friend asked her why she liked me, and she said my teeth were straight, so I've got that going for me.
My family is great. I have a mom, a dad and a brother 9 years younger than me. Everyone loves each other and gets along great. Here's a picture of them. This picture is about 5 years old. We don't do the whole "go down to kmart for a family pic" thing. I think the last time we did that I was a senior in high school and had a huge zit on my chin. It was not airbrushed out. We are all very photogenic. My parents have 3 cats. Fat is shown, Goose and Tiger Man are not. They had Gurns, but she died. I tip my 40oz to her memory.
Each picture has 3 of us since someone has to take the picture. Have you ever seen European Vacation? That's why one of us has to take the picture. BTW, that's my Rick Astley sweater. A friend said I could wash it instead of dry cleaning. It shrunk to the size of a midget except for the neck part. That stayed the same size. Very disconcerting. Also, what's up w/ my double chin? I weigh like 165 and am 6'3" and have this damn double chin. Shit.
Contact Daniel James Davis, Esquire
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