A question was asked of me last night by my friend Jessica. It was, "Dan, what is the difference between hanging
out and dating?" After much pondering and emotional turmoil, I
responded, "Dating is when you can see yourselves having sex in 6
months, while hanging out is when you can see yourselves having sex with someone
else in 6 months." Men are from Mars, my ass.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get
started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've
tried other enemas..."- Emo Phillips
in the heezy fo sheezy:
Some very sad news became of this week when I brought my pride and joy
Jeep in to get looked at. The poor thing has cancer of the engine
only has about 3 months left of life.
Every Saturday evening I drive out to Colorado Springs for my weekly Pikes
Peak Marathon training run (which devastates me every time), but this week
I had to ride the Greyhound. $14 bucks, twice the travel time,
exposure to head lice and a drop-off in the Colorado Springs Barrio, where
I awaited my sister's 45 minute late pick-up. Not bad... at least I
didn't get head lice and I over heard a guy on the bus, Ozzie, who
apparently has the hook up for some great crank, 24-7. I don't even
what crank is, but it sounds pretty hard core. I think if a little
would make the Greyhound ride a little more bearable, I just might have to
give Ozzie a call.
I wish I were Ash or Framio, with the plush soccer mommy wagons. I
can have a Canyonero some day, too.
Here is a picture of Marks Jeep:
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I
said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I
said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very
well."- Emo Phillips.
A new Friday The 13th movie comes out soon.
Jason, get this, comes back from the dead and kills kids in space.
That is crazy stuff. At the end of all of those movies Jason is dead
but kinda comes back. I hope in this one that all the kids die and
Jason lives. That way in the next one Jason can be minding his own
business when the kids come back to life and chase him and he gets real
scared. It would teach him a lesson. Co-worker Matt
says that is predictable, but if if it is, why haven't they done it.
Yo Yo, I'd like to give a shout out to Julia and Pat and John
on the Grind.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Lawrence Hill, I love that guy!"- Ex-Beatle
Paul McCartney announcing the winner of the 1999 Best Video winner at the
Mtv Video Music Awards for "That Thing.", obviously having no
idea who Lauren Hill is. By the way, she hates white people.
And not just albinos, ALL white people.
Man, I gotta say, this Lifetime channel crap is
outta control. They have A Baby Story, A Personal Story, A Wedding
Story and A Dating Story. Chicks dig stories, but not real life
ones. They wanna hear about the guy who sold out to his lady and has
become the most sensitive man, and the greatest life partner, and produces
the most darling kids. That crap is boring. I wanna see An
Unwanted Pregnancy Story, or A One Night Stand Story, or A Divorce
Story. These have substance, not that fairytale crap that
never happens to anyone you know.
Celebrity doubles: Mel Kiper Jr., Matthew Perry. Oh
And I'm not even showing Matthew Perry at his fattest.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in the
genes."- Co-worker Matt, who ripped it off from somewhere.
Monday night I attended the Crosby, Stills, Nash
& Young performance with my parents and brother. The family that
listens to hippie folk rock together, stays together. The people
there who were smoking the pot were not the people I expected. The
long hairs seemed mostly pot free, at least at the venue. But the
regular looking old people, they were the ones breaking out the
joints. When the lights came on and I could get a good look at them,
the dope heads looked like members of the square community.
"Take your hate crimes elsewhere Narc" was the look they gave me
when they noticed me staring, but they weren't so cavalier when I produced
a 4 foot bong and a challenge. Incidentally, the bong's name is
Joint email accounts are so cute. My roommate Frame
and his girlfriend Rachel have one at FramieAndRachelpoo@yahoo.com.
Drop'em a line, cuz they are precious.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You all look like happy campers to me. Happy
campers you are, happy campers you have been, and as far as I am
concerned, happy campers you will always be."- Dan Quayle, addressing
a group of Samoans.
I had a dream last night that I was at my 10-year High School reunion.
I was in a classroom and was looking around at all the other people who I
went to High School with and just mostly checking out the hotties that
have developed since grajamitation. Some developed nicely and some
pretty bad - overweight and not very attractive. There were some
that were nerds in High School but where hot at the reunion. I was
that I was nice to the nerds - I knew it would pay off because they were
flirting with me and if I wouldn't have woken up before the end of the
reunion, I bet I would have gotten laid.
After I woke up, I started to think about those daytime trash talk shows
where they have themes like , "I was once a NERD, but look at me
where nerds were teased in high school, or even middle school or
elementary school! Then, they spend the next 15 years of their life
working out and getting ripped so they can show the people who teased them
their muscles and scare them. I wonder if some of the nerds in my
graduating class will be rock solid at our reunion.
Hey Dan, you know who else gets mad about Tarantulas? Bobby, from
Brady Bunch. He went to Hawaii and there was a tarantula in his bed.
This happend shortly before Greg wiped out on his surfboard and gave
everyone a scare. They made it a "to be continued"
episode. I could not
sleep that night.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I can't really remember the names of the clubs
that we went to."- Shaquille O'Neal, on whether he had visited the
Parthenon during his visit to Greece.
Fried Chicken. Chicken Noodle Soup.
Fried Chicken Noodle Soup. I'm gonna be rich.
Think you know me? Take the test here.
(sorry about the banners)
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I don't know any straight talking Republicans, do
you? I can't get a straight answer out of any Republicans. I
don't know what they're talking about."- Bill O'Reilly, host of
the O'Reilly Factor, in The Playboy Interview, May 2002.
A good example of people not learning from others
mistakes is self tinting on automobiles. How often do you see
someone driving down the road with air bubbles all over the car's window
tint? Why would you attempt to tint your car yourself when so many
others have proven it as an unworthy enterprise, and worthy of a couple
hundred bucks (At the most. I did my 2 front windows for $25 each,
no bubbles). And why do people continue to tint the other windows
when the first window looks like ass? And why don't they peel it
off, especially when the actual sticky tint to window surface ratio is negligible?
And why don't people take a needle and prick the tint to make a little air
hole and squeeze the air out, since little pin prinks are better than big
I think "pal " really means asshole, not friend.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Robin Williams' aimless mélange of silly accents
and outrageous mugging has long been mistaken for comedic
brilliance."- Scott Tobias, Contributor to The Onion.