Nigerian E-mail Scam
Denver Nuggets Potpourri
My Survivor Application
My Ex-Boss/Friend Johanna and Jackie Please
I helped a friend move yesterday and now my back is
sore. I got some therapeutic heat pads and they helped a lot.
You couldn't even tell I was wearing one, but if you looked under my shirt
it looked like a diaper was there. (Therapeutic Diaper w/ heat
pads? I smell patent.) Even if people saw it and thought it
was a diaper, it would have been worth it to get the heat
relief. I have been soliciting backrubs from my female friends
that are single. I can't ask those with boyfriends because, I mean,
how rude. My female friends w/ out boyfriends are not givers.
They are takers. They all want something in exchange for said
backrub. Or maybe they are worried a backrub in the front room will
lead to a front rub in the back room.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Gil Hodges is so strong he
could snap your earbrows off."- Casey Stengel, Manager of the Mets
Mark chimes in with insights on young byatches:
Those stupid twins from that old sitcom Full House think they are God's
gift to Earth. Remember the cute little girls on that show?
Well, now they
are cocky little teenage beeeeitchs who are too popular, even for the
"popular" crowd at their schools. They have their own
and are suddenly "experts" on what popular people should wear
and how they
should do their hair and makeup. They even own their own cars, but
can't even drive'em yet because they aren't old enough to get their
It would be one thing if they worked hard to "earn" all that
stuff, but I
know their $$ is a share of what the REAL money makers have made (Mom,
I am glad I am po', because if I lost everything I had... well, I would
still be able to enjoy the simple things in life, like BBQ's, running,
rafting, biking, and all that stuff. But take away all the money and
and public attention that the stupid twins have, and make them live in my
house for a year and I bet they'd get all depressed and do something crazy
like kill themselves or something. And my house isn't even all that
sure as hell like it, even though it doesn't have any Crystal Chandeliers
a BMW parked in the gee-rahge.
Fuckin-A, man... Fuckin-A.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "When shit
becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes."- Author
Ever hear the phrase "first and
foremost"? Sports figures and thesbians use it a lot to thank
God for their accomplishments. Ever hear the word
"foremost" outside of that phrase? I don't too much.
I think it deserves an identity outside of that phrase. I said
"3rd and eightmost" to a server at a restaurant the other
day. They looked at me like I was stupid. As if.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If all else
fails immortality can be assured by a spectacular error."
- Economist JK Galbraith
Mark weighs in weighty issues:
I decided that I am really jealous of Jay Leno,
Conan O'Brian, and David
Letterman. They are loaded and all they do is get in front of the
and chat with the sexiest women celebrities, and they can make fun of
they want without getting a bad rap. God forbid I make a joke right
Craving Bagels.com about albinos - all of dan's 4 readers would be like,
"ohhhh that Mark Cafiero guy is such an asshole! Albinos can't
fact that they have white eyelashes and tender pink skin!"... But Jay
joke on NATIONAL TV yesterday about albinos and everyone thinks he is
because of it. Not me though. I try tok rike I chinee and
tink I some round-eye asshore!
Kevin Eubanks is a great sidekick for Jay, too. Now Jay can make fun
blacks and pot smokers all he wants and as long as Kevin laughs with him,
On top of that, I KNOW David Letterman got some Drew
the sexiest chick I know of. She was feeling him up last time she
the show, in front of everyone.
Maybe I can at least get on American Idol. I bet I could beat that
goofy fool, Clay.
He looks like a twelve year-old with plastic surgery, and
he's got these goofy ears that stick out really far, but then he sings and
he's got this macho-but-gay-at-the-same-time voice that just might some
attract the poon tang... once he gets his ears fixed and some facial hair.
(I think he kinda looks like Martin Short. That's just me.- Dan)
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I think he kinda looks like Martin
Short. That's just me."- Me
With Easter this weekend I have thought a lot about
Christ Our Lord, risen from the dead. Last year I gave up booze and
beer for lent and followed through with no problem. This year I did
the same thing but hit some speedbumps. I was tested and
failed. Beer has run its course through my body on several
occasions. I don't feel good about that. I am weak.
Anyway, for Easter I will be visiting my uncles home. He lives by
Todd Helton, who plays for the Rockies. Todd, as I call him, never
joins our family. Even though I wave signs and yell, he won't come
over. On that side of the family I am the oldest cousin but there
are tons of little cousins around 10 years old. Even though I am
28, many of the aunts and uncles still view me as one of the
children. At Christmas I get a $5 dollar bill. Which is
cool. Last year at Easter I was told to participate in the Easter
Egg hunt. I decided if I am asked
this year, I will participate and I will crush all the little
cousins and take all the candy so they will all cry.
I went to the last Denver Nuggets game Wednesday night. Lost by
5. The NBA lottery to determine draft order is May 22. Frame
and I are gonna have a party to root for the #1 pick. Our lives have
certainly taken a turn for the worse.
OF THE DAY- "No blame Frankenstein. Me made from corpses of
Denver Nuggets."- Frankenstein, in the Simpsons
300th episode, being portrayed as a basketball player, was called for
expresses thoughts without a poem:
I can finally say that I have two watches. Now
I can fit in the ranks of
all my P-Diddy friends from college. You see, I was one of the poor
back in the day, but now that I am making BANK, I have two sweet watches.
One is a Timex Triathlon I bought in '91. Still ticking! And
my latest is
called a Suunto. I will proudly say that it's a $400 piece of chick
But I got it for $100 through a room mate's pro-deal. Does that
count? And my chances of being invited to hang out with my old,
friends are probably even less if they knew that even though it was just
$100, that I had to actually watch my spending until my next pay period.
Ahh, who am I trying to kid. I will never be allowed to hang out
But wait... I have a new car! Ahhh, nah. Not really.
Just a new engine
that I had installed in my Jeep last week. It FEELS like a new
it's not a GMC Yukon Denali. Just an old jacked up Jeep. Shit.
I also don't smoke - seems like all the popular guys smoke. Maybe if
to start smoking again... But I just hate to do that cause it makes
fingers smell like poo-poo and it becomes hard to run further than 3
and I kind of like running. Ahhh, it's probably worth it. I
running, anyway - NOT cool. I even ride my bike to do simple little
like when I want to go to blockbuster to rent my favorite movie
Space". Definitely not socially acceptable by my peers.
Well, I guess I will just have to accept that I am not ever going to be a
part of the "popular" crowd. Maybe some day... MAYBE
One of my wealthier, conservative friends, Phil Ferrera told me that when
you walk out of a movie theater, you have other people's feces on you.
Shappel, a not-so-wealthy friend of mine also hates movie theaters because
he thinks he'll get head lice. That would suck to go to the movies
away with human feces and lead lice. Grrrross!
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I need to go to the bathroom but I don't want to
touch anyone on the way."- My friend Jason
Schmitt while at a packed show at the 15th Street Tavern.
I got some sort of flu and have been in bed for a few days. I never
get pukey sick. Just body aches, congestion, sore throat coupled
with the runs sick. It had been awhile so it was nice to
revisit. I did see a good show on the food network during the
day. It was a sushi 'cook off' between some Japanese guys who were
proficient with knives and dead fish. The announcer really did sound
amazed when describing the things they were doing and surprised on the
techniques being displayed, but he sounded just a bit off. And
occasionally the sushi chefs would respond and they were a bit off
too. Then I noticed the mouths didn't match the words. It was
a Japanese show dubbed like a Kung Fu movie. That was when I
realized I was watching a English dubbed sushi cook off. I returned
to the potty.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "There are no stupid questions, just stupid
people."- Mr. Garrison, South Park.
Once again God has willed the United States to
victory. This means God likes the United States better. I am
not sure it is that he likes Christians better than Muslims, but I bet he
views those 5 prayers a day as a little ass kissy and perhaps even needy.
I vacuumed another spider.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Nuclear war would really set back cable."-
Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
cracks my ass up! He says the greatest things with the straightest
face. He is by far the best thing about taking down the Iraqi
Regime. Every day I wake up wanting more sound bytes and quotes from
him. Here's my favorite statements in no particular order:
Sahaf said American troops were beginning to "commit suicide on the
walls of Baghdad. The soldiers of Saddam Hussein have given them a
lesson they will never forget. We will in fact encourage them to
commit more suicides. We have given them death and poison. These
mercenaries, I swear by God, those who are still in Washington, they have
sent their troops to be burned."- this was after we had the airport and
took some palaces."- (I really like how he says they will encourage
more suicides, like a support group.)
"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ...
stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their
lies."- (When asked about video proof of Coalition progress.)
"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is
completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low
in order to have vibrations on these sacred places. And I think this will agitate, this will be
scorned by all Shiites all over the world because those tombs are the
most sacred to Shiites all over the world, and they are trying to crack
the buildings by flying low over them."- (I think we would
use bombs if we wanted to destroy them.)
"They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils,
they are booby traps to kill the children."-(I want a booby trapped
Al-Sahaf said the Iraqis have "shot down a lot of those cruise
missiles" and said war's impact was "trivial."-
"We have defeated them, in fact we have crushed them. We have
pushed them outside the whole area of the airport. The whole trend
has been changed. The operation is moving in our interests and I think we
are going to finalize soon."- (After we took the airport.)
Keep in mind he says these things in the face of overwhelming evidence
against him. He's kinda like a $cientologist in that regard. I
don't know how he keeps going w/ a straight face, but if we capture I hope
he has news conferences everyday.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "No
bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the
other poor dumb bastard die for his country."-
General George S. Patton
I am afraid of spiders and since it is spring, the
spiders are coming out. I went to bed the other and one was on the
ceiling. Good thing my vacuum has attachments so I could get him
without risking him falling on me. Had to do the same thing a couple
days later. I dreamed the other night I had to vacuum about 50 of
them up. I don't view this behavior as strange or as less than
manly. They feed on me at night so it's more of a self preservation
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The Lybian army is capable of destroying
America and breaking its nose."- Muammar Qaddafi
Mark waxes poetic:
I am so excited about the spring. So exited, in fact, that the
of me is coming out...(this is a poem that does not rhyme, but is still
considered poetry because I use a lot of pleasant words)
Disclaimer: This beautiful poem is a sarcastic illustration of the
this world to are too sensitive to media hype. The intentions of
to make fun of the foo's who are living their lives in fear, and
all of the great things to be had by what's still a great country to live
in. Be aware, concerned and supportive of the US, but don't get
the fear-strickening media!
It's Spring Again, by Mark Cafiero
It's Spring again.
Can you feel the soft whisper of the clean mountain air?
It says, "hello friend, I am back and I know you have been cold for
"... let me hug you with flowery scents and warm rays of sun."
The blue rivers will glisten, can you hear the whitewater purr?
And the shade from the green aspen will quiet even the Lion's fiersome
Let's walk bare-footed across the green, grassy hills.
And have a nice picnic under the Colorado Mountain sunset.
Fall to gentle sleep in the dawn of the busy day...
...but wake up quickly - you don't deserve to sleep you fool!
The worlds coming to an end and everyone's gonna die!
Put your mountain bike away - it aint worth a-ridin'
Leave yo rolla'blades in tha closet and don't buy bulbs for planting!
You're gonna go play golf? You crazy? It's DANGEROUS out there
...when you ass gonna get punked by chemical warfare and Korean Nukes!
Wear a mask wherever you go and tape yo fuckin window!
FEAR FEAR FEAR! ANXIETY, PAIN AND SUFFERING!
Watch yo ass foo cause there's a murdera' among ya's!
And watch out for that Chinee respiratory disease - it's now in the US!
And Killer Bees are on their way from Africa!
Do not sleep, cause you might not wake up!
We're all gonna die, by Mark Cafiero
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I was provided with additional input that was
radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that
version."- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony