-There is a fine line between clever and stupid


Nigerian E-mail Scam

Denver Nuggets Potpourri

Kitty Porn

My Survivor Application

My Ex-Boss/Friend Johanna and Jackie Please

Random Thoughts- 



I helped a friend move yesterday and now my back is sore.  I got some therapeutic heat pads and they helped a lot.  You couldn't even tell I was wearing one, but if you looked under my shirt it looked like a diaper was there.  (Therapeutic Diaper w/ heat pads?  I smell patent.)  Even if people saw it and thought it was a diaper, it would have been worth it to get the heat relief.   I have been soliciting backrubs from my female friends that are single.  I can't ask those with boyfriends because, I mean, how rude.  My female friends w/ out boyfriends are not givers.  They are takers.  They all want something in exchange for said backrub.  Or maybe they are worried a backrub in the front room will lead to a front rub in the back room.  

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Gil Hodges is so strong he could snap your earbrows off."- Casey Stengel, Manager of the Mets and Yankees.


Mark chimes in with insights on young byatches:

Those stupid twins from that old sitcom Full House think they are God's
gift to Earth.  Remember the cute little girls on that show?  Well, now they
are cocky little teenage beeeeitchs who are too popular, even for the
"popular" crowd at their schools.  They have their own fashion publications
and are suddenly "experts" on what popular people should wear and how they
should do their hair and makeup.  They even own their own cars, but they
can't even drive'em yet because they aren't old enough to get their permits.
It would be one thing if they worked hard to "earn" all that stuff, but I
know their $$ is a share of what the REAL money makers have made (Mom, Dad,
Publishers, Media).

I am glad I am po', because if I lost everything I had... well, I would
still be able to enjoy the simple things in life, like BBQ's, running,
rafting, biking, and all that stuff.  But take away all the money and cars,
and public attention that the stupid twins have, and make them live in my
house for a year and I bet they'd get all depressed and do something crazy
like kill themselves or something.  And my house isn't even all that bad!  I
sure as hell like it, even though it doesn't have any Crystal Chandeliers or
a BMW parked in the gee-rahge.

Fuckin-A, man... Fuckin-A.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes."- Author Henry Miller.


Ever hear the phrase "first and foremost"?  Sports figures and thesbians use it a lot to thank God for their accomplishments.  Ever hear the word "foremost" outside of that phrase?  I don't too much.  I think it deserves an identity outside of that phrase.  I said "3rd and eightmost" to a server at a restaurant the other day.  They looked at me like I was stupid.  As if.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If all else fails immortality can be assured by a spectacular error."
- Economist JK Galbraith


Mark weighs in weighty issues:

I decided that I am really jealous of Jay Leno, Conan O'Brian, and David
Letterman.  They are loaded and all they do is get in front of the camera
and chat with the sexiest women celebrities, and they can make fun of anyone
they want without getting a bad rap.  God forbid I make a joke right here on
Craving Bagels.com about albinos - all of dan's 4 readers would be like,
"ohhhh that Mark Cafiero guy is such an asshole!  Albinos can't help the
fact that they have white eyelashes and tender pink skin!"... But Jay made a
joke on NATIONAL TV yesterday about albinos and everyone thinks he is great
because of it.  Not me though.  I try tok rike I chinee and suddenry peopo'
tink I some round-eye asshore!

Kevin Eubanks is a great sidekick for Jay, too.  Now Jay can make fun of
blacks and pot smokers all he wants and as long as Kevin laughs with him,
it's OK.

On top of that, I KNOW David Letterman got some Drew Barrymore poon-tang,
the sexiest chick I know of.  She was feeling him up last time she was on
the show, in front of everyone.

Maybe I can at least get on American Idol.  I bet I could beat that one
goofy fool, Clay.  He looks like a twelve year-old with plastic surgery, and
he's got these goofy ears that stick out really far, but then he sings and
he's got this macho-but-gay-at-the-same-time voice that just might some day
attract the poon tang... once he gets his ears fixed and some facial hair.

(I think he kinda looks like Martin Short.  That's just me.- Dan)

QUOTE OF THE DAY-  "I think he kinda looks like Martin Short.  That's just me."- Me


With Easter this weekend I have thought a lot about Christ Our Lord, risen from the dead.  Last year I gave up booze and beer for lent and followed through with no problem.  This year I did the same thing but hit some speedbumps.  I was tested and failed.  Beer has run its course through my body on several occasions.  I don't feel good about that.  I am weak.  Anyway, for Easter I will be visiting my uncles home.  He lives by Todd Helton, who plays for the Rockies.  Todd, as I call him, never joins our family.  Even though I wave signs and yell, he won't come over.  On that side of the family I am the oldest cousin but there are tons of little cousins around 10 years old.  Even though I am 28,  many of the aunts and uncles still view me as one of the children.  At Christmas I get a $5 dollar bill.  Which is cool.  Last year at Easter I was told to participate in the Easter Egg hunt.  I decided if I am asked this year, I will participate and I will crush all the little cousins and take all the candy so they will all cry. 

I went to the last Denver Nuggets game Wednesday night.  Lost by 5.  The NBA lottery to determine draft order is May 22.  Frame and I are gonna have a party to root for the #1 pick.  Our lives have certainly taken a turn for the worse.

QUOTE OF THE DAY-  "No blame Frankenstein. Me made from corpses of Denver Nuggets."- Frankenstein, in the Simpsons 300th episode, being portrayed as a basketball player, was called for three seconds. 


Mark expresses thoughts without a poem:

I can finally say that I have two watches.  Now I can fit in the ranks of
all my P-Diddy friends from college.  You see, I was one of the poor folk
back in the day, but now that I am making BANK, I have two sweet watches.
One is a Timex Triathlon I bought in '91.  Still ticking!  And my latest is
called a Suunto.  I will proudly say that it's a $400 piece of chick magnet.
But I got it for $100 through a room mate's pro-deal.  Does that still
count?  And my chances of being invited to hang out with my old, wealthier
friends are probably even less if they knew that even though it was just
$100, that I had to actually watch my spending until my next pay period.
Ahh, who am I trying to kid.  I will never be allowed to hang out with the
P-Diddys.  Damn.

But wait... I have a new car!  Ahhh, nah.  Not really.  Just a new engine
that I had installed in my Jeep last week.  It FEELS like a new car... but
it's not a GMC Yukon Denali.  Just an old jacked up Jeep.  Shit.

I also don't smoke - seems like all the popular guys smoke.  Maybe if I were
to start smoking again...  But I just hate to do that cause it makes my
fingers smell like poo-poo and it becomes hard to run further than 3 blocks,
and I kind of like running.  Ahhh, it's probably worth it.  I shouldn't be
running, anyway - NOT cool.  I even ride my bike to do simple little things
like when I want to go to blockbuster to rent my favorite movie "Office
Space".  Definitely not socially acceptable by my peers.

Well, I guess I will just have to accept that I am not ever going to be a
part of the "popular" crowd.  Maybe some day... MAYBE

One of my wealthier, conservative friends, Phil Ferrera told me that when
you walk out of a movie theater, you have other people's feces on you.  Eric
Shappel, a not-so-wealthy friend of mine also hates movie theaters because
he thinks he'll get head lice.  That would suck to go to the movies and walk
away with human feces and lead lice.  Grrrross!

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I need to go to the bathroom but I don't want to touch anyone on the way."- My friend Jason Schmitt while at a packed show at the 15th Street Tavern.


I got some sort of flu and have been in bed for a few days.  I never get pukey sick.  Just body aches, congestion, sore throat coupled with the runs sick.  It had been awhile so it was nice to revisit.  I did see a good show on the food network during the day.  It was a sushi 'cook off' between some Japanese guys who were proficient with knives and dead fish.  The announcer really did sound amazed when describing the things they were doing and surprised on the techniques being displayed, but he sounded just a bit off.  And occasionally the sushi chefs would respond and they were a bit off too.  Then I noticed the mouths didn't match the words.  It was a Japanese show dubbed like a Kung Fu movie.  That was when I realized I was watching a English dubbed sushi cook off.  I returned to the potty.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."- Mr. Garrison, South Park.


Once again God has willed the United States to victory.  This means God likes the United States better.  I am not sure it is that he likes Christians better than Muslims, but I bet he views those 5 prayers a day as a little ass kissy and perhaps even needy.

I vacuumed another spider.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Nuclear war would really set back cable."- Ted Turner


Iraq's Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf cracks my ass up!  He says the greatest things with the straightest face.  He is by far the best thing about taking down the Iraqi Regime.  Every day I wake up wanting more sound bytes and quotes from him.  Here's my favorite statements in no particular order:

Sahaf said American troops were beginning to "commit suicide on the walls of Baghdad.
The soldiers of Saddam Hussein have given them a lesson they will never forget.  We will in fact encourage them to commit more suicides. We have given them death and poison.  These mercenaries, I swear by God, those who are still in Washington, they have sent their troops to be burned."- this was after we had the airport and took some palaces."- (I really like how he says they will encourage more suicides, like a support group.)

"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."- (When asked about video proof of Coalition progress.)

"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places.  And I think this will agitate, this will be scorned by all Shiites all over the world because those tombs are the most sacred to Shiites all over the world, and they are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."-  (I think we would use bombs if we wanted to destroy them.)

"They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children."-(I want a booby trapped pencil.)

Al-Sahaf  said the Iraqis have "shot down a lot of those cruise missiles" and said war's impact was "trivial."-  (Sure.)

"We have defeated them, in fact we have crushed them. We have pushed them outside the whole area of the airport.  The whole trend has been changed. The operation is moving in our interests and I think we are going to finalize soon."-  (After we took the airport.)

Keep in mind he says these things in the face of overwhelming evidence against him. He's kinda like a $cientologist in that regard.   I don't know how he keeps going w/ a straight face, but if we capture I hope he has news conferences everyday.

QUOTE OF THE DAY-  "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."- General George S. Patton


I am afraid of spiders and since it is spring, the spiders are coming out.  I went to bed the other and one was on the ceiling.  Good thing my vacuum has attachments so I could get him without risking him falling on me.  Had to do the same thing a couple days later.  I dreamed the other night I had to vacuum about 50 of them up.  I don't view this behavior as strange or as less than manly.  They feed on me at night so it's more of a self preservation thing.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose."- Muammar Qaddafi


Mark waxes poetic:

I am so excited about the spring.  So exited, in fact, that the poetry side
of me is coming out...(this is a poem that does not rhyme, but is still
considered poetry because I use a lot of pleasant words)

Disclaimer: This beautiful poem is a sarcastic illustration of the people in
this world to are too sensitive to media hype.  The intentions of which are
to make fun of the foo's who are living their lives in fear, and sacrificing
all of the great things to be had by what's still a great country to live
in.  Be aware, concerned and supportive of the US, but don't get sucked into
the fear-strickening media!

It's Spring Again, by Mark Cafiero

It's Spring again.
Can you feel the soft whisper of the clean mountain air?

It says, "hello friend, I am back and I know you have been cold for so, so
"... let me hug you with flowery scents and warm rays of sun."

The blue rivers will glisten, can you hear the whitewater purr?
And the shade from the green aspen will quiet even the Lion's fiersome soul.

Let's walk bare-footed across the green, grassy hills.
And have a nice picnic under the Colorado Mountain sunset.

Fall to gentle sleep in the dawn of the busy day...
...but wake up quickly - you don't deserve to sleep you fool!

The worlds coming to an end and everyone's gonna die!
Put your mountain bike away - it aint worth a-ridin'

Leave yo rolla'blades in tha closet and don't buy bulbs for planting!
You're gonna go play golf?  You crazy?  It's DANGEROUS out there - stay

...when you ass gonna get punked by chemical warfare and Korean Nukes!
Wear a mask wherever you go and tape yo fuckin window!

Watch yo ass foo cause there's a murdera' among ya's!

And watch out for that Chinee respiratory disease - it's now in the US!
And Killer Bees are on their way from Africa!

Do not sleep, cause you might not wake up!

We're all gonna die, by Mark Cafiero

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

Contact Daniel James Davis, Esquire
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