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8/30/01

A good show would be Solved Mysteries.  It could be about mysteries that have been solved and no longer trouble people.  It would not be like Bigfoot or anything but more personal to the viewer.  Here is an example for the show, I'll be Robert Stack- Who keeps leaving the dining room light on? For weeks this question has been plaguing Kendra Witkowski.  Every morning the lights are on.  Then One day after staking the room out, she saw her husband Walt turn it on before bed.  Now that's a Solved Mystery! 

For men's fashion, there is a fine line between looking hip and looking gay.  Yesterday, a guy at work crossed that line.  If he's not gay, I'm not sure what message was being sent.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I say this a lot, and I probably shouldn't: the difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship."- Bill Carpenter, mayor of Independence, Missouri.

8/27/01

With no spiel, I decided to write some poetry.  Most people don't know how sensitive I really am because I am afraid to open up and get hurt. 

Love Plow, Dirt Hoe
by Daniel James Davis

Dogs of war crash through my garden
The Potato of repentence sprouts vines
Choking Choking Gasp
I want to subsidize your farm of tenderness
Your husk is too tough
Let me into your fiber
Your not so tough when I boil you
And cover you in butter and garlic pepper
Taste so good.
Eat this bread.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."- Chuck Nevitt, basketball player at North Carolina State University, as reported in Sports Illustrated.

8/26/01

By nature I am not an email forwarder.  I get emails all the time and chuckle but don't send them on.  I don't even have an address book, I just store peoples email addresses in my head.  It's kind of like before cell phones when you had to memorize everyone's phone number, but now you just look them up on the cell and dial.  I don't know anyone's phone number anymore. Not forwarding the mail puts me at a disadvantage when the emails say I should send them on or bad things will happen.  Maybe that's where my eye floater came from and it's a warning of worse things to come.

If Destiny's Child asks me to say their name 1 more time,  I will not say it. Every awards show, talk show, game show and circus side show they are at they implore me to say their name.   I already said it and I'm sick of it.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."- Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah.

8/25/01

Veggie Tales is a Christian show about religious vegetables. These vegetables are really cute and the cucumber Larry is my favorite.  I have a stuffed Cucumber Larry on my dashboard for everyone to see.  I bought it for roommate Ash but he already had it, so I kept it.  He also has a Veggie Tales shirt he wears and little kids always hold onto his legs like he's Santa.  Me and my friends joke around using the cucumber as a phallic symbol and call it Vaggie Tales.  I'm not sure if the bible says you will be smolten for making fun of religious cucumbers sexually, but I could be going to hell.  Well, maybe, except for my ever present faith in The Lord Jesus Christ My Savior.  Here is a picture of Larry, and a picture of the whole Veggie Tales gang.  To visit them go to http://www.bigidea.com/.

A couple years ago Colorado had 1 area code of 303.  Then we added 970.  Before the change  the number to Teledyne waterpic was 303-XXX-5870.  After the new area code it was changed to 970-XXX-5870.  Now I have 303-XXX-5870 so I get calls for the waterpic all the time.  My number is printed on old Teledyne boxes that people have saved.  For awhile I had a long mean message about how I did not handle waterpics and don't leave me a message.  But people left messages anyway and my friends would get irritated about the long wait to leave me a message.  Although it's not their fault, I called Teledyne to work something out and they blew me off.  So now I have embraced the Teledyne waterpic, I handle customer service calls (poorly), technical support on waterpics (false information), and promise replacements and shipments (lies).  But I have a very pleasant tone of voice for my new customers. 

I gave Ed from class the opportunity to do my quote of the day and he choked.  Back to riding pine for Ed.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If it's not fun, it's hell."- Mr. Scott Smith, My Information Technology  Professor.

8/21/01

My guestbook has become a place where people I know pretend to be someone else and make fun of me.  They never just put their real name, whether I know them or not, and say hi.  It's hard to gauge who visits my site when my guestbook has Superman and Jesus in it.  I know on the home page it says I will not edit any guestbook entries, but let me qualify that.  If you  compromise secrets I have told you about others, or make fun of people I know who can't defend themselves and said people do not deserve it, or call me gay or allude to it in graphic terms, you will be edited. 

My friends voted for Bush and all I got was this lousy recession.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "There has been no exclusion.  We have simply excluded all the women."- Nicolas Romanoff, descendant of the last czar of Russia Nicholas II, explaining why no women were invited to a meeting to form a family foundation, as reported in Fortune Magazine.

8/20/01

The last couple of weeks I have been seeing a little black dot in my right eye.  I didn't write about it in case it was a tumor, I didn't want to jinx myself.  But it actually turned out to be a Floater.  A floater is basically a piece of eye gel that has separated from the retina and floats around.  It is only bad if some of the retina comes with it, causing a detached retina.  Otherwise it is just annoying and will always be there.  The doctor gave me a little pamphlet like the ones little kids get called "My First Floater".  It explained everything in a very easy to understand way and comforted me.  Here is the diagram of the eye and floater.


This little ditty is going out to all the fine young ladies out there:

     1 plus 1 makes 2, 1 plus 2 makes me and you and heeeeer.

     Uno y uno comite dos, uno y dos igual mi y tu y ellaaaaa.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole."- Bobcat Goldthwait.

8/19/01

My bedroom is pretty bland so I bought a picture for it.  It's called La Cala and its done by a Spanish guy.   I got it at Pier 1 Imports and I felt a little emasculated in there.  That place is a sanctuary for women who decorate and I felt like an intruder.   The glares I got let me know that A) I should get my shit and get out, B) don't come back, and C)  if I asked any of the chicks out in there my balls would become potpourri holders.  The picture looks great though.

If babies are bundles of joy why do they smell like bundles of shit?

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."- Samuel Goldwyn.

8/18/01

Ian and I bought the SpyEar ispy007.  It's a little mini-amplifier like Whisper 2000 that we can use to listen to people from afar.   It works ok.  It's from China though, and the English on the package is wrong.  It says, "Investigate the bad guy who are telling lies, amusing tricks, talking gossip.  Investigate the bad guy at any time, any where.  If you want to be a spy."  It goes on to say, "What are they talking?  What are they laughing?  Just put on 'spy ear'!  You will know the secret what they are talking."  The bottom of the package says, "Join the ispy007 Group to enjoy investigation fun withour mumbership free.  Dial 007 007 22(Worldwide No.;)  whatever the hell that means.  The USA's relationship with China has deteriorated so far that they don't even proofread the cheap shitty trinket packages they send over here anymore.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "That's part of American greatness, is discrimination.  Yes, sir.  Inequality, I think, breeds freedom and gives a man opportunity."- Lester Maddox, ex-governor of Georgia.  Another FI.

8/17/01

I think by far, the coolest name in the bible is Pontius Pilot.   It's not even close.  I may name my first born son Pontius and call him Ponch for short, just like on the TV show CHiPs.  Although I am also considering Terrell Merriweather Davis as a name for my eldest son.  I've been kicking it around a while.  Whatever the name, my kids will be running in the street and yard in a diaper swinging a stick.  People who know me know this to be true.  It won't be Daniel Davis, II or Junior because there are already thousands of Dan Davis' out there and I get confused enough as it is.  Names for my other children could be Cleopatra, Rumpelstilskin, Joan of Arc and Methuselah.

Star Wars Episode 2 is titled Attack Of The Clones.  Doesn't sound very witty to me.  I want a Star Wars movie w/ action scenes like Saving Private Ryan.  Lets get nuts and drop all the kiddie bullshit.  To be honest, The Star Wars franchise is probably the one set of movies that could be NC-17 and still make a shitload of money.  I want it like that.  It doesn't have to have nudity, but some really realistic battles and adult character development would be great.  I want to be in the focus group that makes it happen.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You know how sticks in water look bent.  That's why I don't take baths."- Steven Wright

8/16/01

I've been taking a class since January encompassing different area's of the IT Profession, including but not limited to web design, networking and database.  I'll be done in October, so its about time to start looking for a job in these area's.  It's kind of a bad time because the market sucks.  I may have to clean Cisco's toilets for awhile to get a foot in the door.  Hopefully not just the bathroom door.  Staying at my company would be okay except for all the office snitches.

Someone thought it would be a good  to get my ex-boss Johanna a big sub to say thank you for being a great boss.  I like tributes of meat, although I didn't like this particular sub.  A person (the aforementioned HPX from Ian's guest spiel) told Johanna to get her chow, because she had to "beat them off".  "Them" being the team, beating them off of the sub.  I'll hold off on the ranch for my portion, thank you.

My new boss is not Scary Teri Gary.  My new boss Laura does not seem very receptive to being on my website at all.  I may be fired soon.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."- perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad.

8/15/01

Terms of endearment are great.  Those close to you or loved ones can be called cute little names or inside jokes.  My ex-boss Johanna and Jackie Please (who is also my ex-boss)  have called me "FI" for years now.  It's kind of their way of saying, "hey Dan, you are special to us".  Kind of like how Dubya gives nicknames in the senate and congress.  "FI" stands for "Fucking Idiot".

Happy Birthday Denver Broncos.  The Denver Broncos turn 42 today.  Wow man.  It seems like only yesterday the Broncos sucked, then their first forays into the Superbowl were highlighted by getting crushed.  And now, our little Broncos have grown up to be Superbowl champs and perennial contenders.  Where does the time go.  Everyone out there needs to take a moment and tell the people they care about "I love you."

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We have every mixture you can have.  I have a black, I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple."- James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, referring to an advisory group in his agency.  What an FI.

8/14/01

For something different, today I will have a guest spiel by co-worker and friend Ian-

Across the workplace there has been an outbreak of baldness.  Not just the typical male pattern stuff that we are all used to, but full on shiny baldness (Chris Wossilek-new bald pictures soon.).  I really haven't figured out why, but I'm hoping that there is some new cult craze sweeping the nation.  If there is, I'm gonna join up.  It would be sooo cool to be in a cult.  And I really like Kool-Aid too.

Speaking of work, I want to talk about this really annoying person.  Lets call this person Heinous Person X or, HPX.  HPX is always mispronouncing words in attempts to sound intellectual.  Just today, HPX said amonomynous instead of anonymous.  This is probably the best part about HPX because it leads to many hours of hilarity.  Another good part is that HPX's hair always looks like it is on fire.  If you were to see a silhouette of HPX, you would say, "Look at that heinous person on fire!!!"  Maybe I should just accept HPX.  Fuck no.  Screw that. 

Thank you Ian.  In the words of Deiter from Sprockets, that was delicious.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Tree's cause more pollution than automobiles do."- Ronald Reagan

8/10/01

People seem to really be at odds over the whole Darwin vs. God deal.  They have those aluminum fish with either "Darwin" or "truth" or the truth fish eating the darwin fish, or vice versa stuck on the back of their cars.  Creationists act like Darwin was sent from the devil when really he was just a scientist who discovered some things that are roundly accepted by rational critical thinking human beings.  In my view God started it but evolution occurred and it's hard to deny unless you reject ALL scientific discoveries.  I have a new symbol for everyone stuck in the middle like me.  Can't we all just get along.



Today is a sad sad day.  My Boss Johanna *sniff* will no longer be my boss.  She is moving on to another job.  She will now be known as either My Ex-boss Johanna, or co-worker Johanna or My Friend Johanna.  I haven't decided.  What this means is that I will have a new boss, and it might be Scary Teri Gary.  Oh, the humanity.  It may be someone else, but if it's Teri Gary, then its on.  I will crush her like a walnut. Memo- Teri Gary was caught dancing around a structural beam at a wedding this weekend.  I'm not sure if it was a sort of pagan dance, or Native American in nature, or perhaps seductive, but I heard it was something to see.

A couple weeks ago I wrote about The VAGINA Monologues.  My friend Struck got me this postcard from the actual play.  



Yes, that says "Think Inside The Box."  Yes, that says "Spread The Word."  Big Pun would be proud.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "What?  Plants don't smoke."- Matt Jones
 
8/09/01

I need to take a trip to discover the real me, and get to know me.  And find myself.  I realized I barely know me.  Who am I.  What the hell am I doing here.  Get out of my pants, stranger.

People keep asking me, "Hey Dan, when am I gonna make your site?  When will I be featured in a spiel?  When will I have a picture up?"  The answer is when said persons do something dumb 
to distinguish themselves, submit photos or randomly hit my mind when I am writing bullshit.  But people can always go to my guestbook and write whatever they want. My boss Johanna is always pissed at me for the stuff I write about her, but she refuses to go the guestbook and tear me up. That is just lazy in my opinion.

Speaking of which, someone in the guestbook was nice enough to let me know I need to get laid.  Nice observation Captain Obvious.  What's next, "Hey Davis, you need to bathe."  Gee, thanks.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We are not without accomplishment.  We have managed to distribute poverty equally."  Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese Foreign Minister

8/08/01

Cowgirl jeans without the pockets are grody.  Co-worker Ken Rehor says they're called Rocky Mountain Jeans.  I call them sick gross cowgirl pants.  Co-worker Gina says she's gonna buy some to wear for a guy she likes.  I physically became ill thinking about the jeans sitting on the rack, pocketless, waiting for a poor unsuspecting buyer.  It may be that those pants are always accompanied by boots, colorful shirts and dinner plate belt buckles.  Either way, I still hate them.

The Rockies are pissing me off.  If they win 2 games in a row just once the rest of the year, I will shoot sooo much heroin just to make the high last as long as possible.  Then I will smash my pinky with a hammer so I know I'm not dreaming.

I can't sleep at night, I toss and turn, listenin' for the telephone, when I get your call, I'm all choked up, I can't believe you called my home.  And as a matter of fact, it blows my mind, you would even talk to me, because a girl like you is like a dream come true, a real live fantasy.-Bobby Brown, Every Little Step I Take.   How true that is.  This song is as relevant today as it was in 1989.  I'd like to dedicate this spiel to all the 'round the way girls out there, and the bitties in the BK lounge..  Lets take a pause and really think about this wonderful song.  Ahhhh, sweet relevance!

The slacker from the Holiday Inn commercials is so damn funny.  I wish he was a slacker roommate who laid around smoking weed all day.  Sometimes you need one of those guys around.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."- Joe Theisman, Quaterbach and Sports Analyst.

8/07/01

My parents went out of town for their anniversary.  I stayed with my brother and he had some friends over.  These 7 friends were able to procure an astounding 6 warm beers of different brands.  I was not impressed.  They got another 12 pack, but I don't know how.  Having a group of teenagers boozing when you are the man of the house is a lot of pressure.  But they only had a couple beers each, plus my brother doesn't drink and was available to drive them home if necessary.  It wasn't.  And it wasn't that much pressure, I left them alone and they were all well behaved.  One problem, they didn't bring over any chicks.  How am I supposed to spin my web of an articulated, college educated playboy with world experience to naive high school senior girls, who have reached the age of consent, if my brother and said friends won't serve'em up?  Like I know where to get 18 year old high school chicks.  As if.  Maybe I need to get a supplemental job at a tanning salon.

I'm inventing a Necroscope.

I may be a cracker, but I'm the Ritz.
 
If you don't want to see the genie, don't rub the lamp.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.

8/06/01 

Today my boss Johanna is wearing a black ribbed shirt, for her pleasure.

People in Colorado either love the prairie dogs or hate them.  Whenever a new project comes up in a field, there is always debate about what to do about the prairie dogs.  Should we gas them, just pave over them, or relocate them.  What happens a lot is a company comes in with big powerful vacuums and sticks them down the boroughs and sucks them out.  Then the prairie dogs are relocated, or they are fed to other animals.  I think I'd rather just get gassed instead of being suddenly sucked out of my dwelling.  Maybe I'd rather just get gas or sucked.  Anyway, good thing humans ended up on top, but if it ever changes we could be in for some serious retribution. 

Prediction: Denver Bronco's 19-0, Superbowl Champs, all of earth will unite to celebrate the timelessness of their superiority (even the Jews and Arabs), they will cure cancer and end hunger.  That's how I see it anyway.   

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me."- David Hasselhoff.

8/04/01

Here is a rundown of things co-worker Matt has argued with me about.  These are his points of view:

*  "Ego centrist" is not a phrase.
*  A man has had a successful ovary transplant.
*  Vocal cords are cognizant of themselves and think on their own.
*  "You don't know what you've got till it's gone" is sung by Guns'N'Roses
*  You absolutely cannot eat biscuits with green chili.

I got another Just A Tip about being a good date.  Now I know someone is messing with me.  The last one was to my AOL account, this one was to my work email.  And they were almost opposite reasons on why I was a good date.  It must be the Freesia.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "A gun is a recreational tool, like a golf club or tennis racket.  You can kill someone with a golf club, you know."- Martel Lovelace, NRA official.

8/03/01

I made some flyers for Jackie Please and Ken Darling's engagement party at their request.  I focused on Jackie being older than Ken.  One had Michael Jackson and compared Jackie and Jacko's mutual love for little boys.  The other had a picture of Valerie Harper and Jason Bateman from The Hogan Family together, kind of a Mrs. Robinson deal.  Ken Darling didn't like them because he is real romantic and they didn't fit what he wanted, so my boss Johanna sold out and made a lovey-dovey flier.  Johanna is to fliers as Will Smith is to Rap.

I went to another website called Lick the Star (lickthestar.8m.com).  It's some chick's website.  It's pretty good, so I went to the guestbook and left a message.  It asked what could be better, and I put "more pictures of you", just clowning around.  It also asked for personal information, including age and website.  After I left the message I read on that she is only 17 (she looked older).  Since I left my age (26) and my website, I expect the authorities to track me down for being a pedophile.  Tip of the day- read a whole website before you look like a jackass.  Then decide on what basis you will look like a jackass.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I love California.  I grew up in Phoenix."- Dan Quayle


8/02/01

Remember in the early 80's when checkered Van's were popular.  Then high top colored Converse were in and some people had a different pair with a different color for each day of the week?  On my 10th birthday I got a pair of blue Converse and thought I was rad.  But really I looked like a jackass.  I should have asked for some baseball cards instead, at least they'd be worth money.  Anyway, I saw some bands last night that were wearing low top colored converse, so maybe they're kind of coming back.  The bands were from Texas though, and we know what kind of yahoos are from Texas, so maybe they are just real behind on the trends.

Ian told me about vegetarian hotdogs with no meat.  He said they were alright.  I asked if they contained all the vegetable's lips and assholes.  He said no.  If you say Meatlejuice 3 times in a row a vegetarian hotdog will appear out of nowhere.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The style is clitoral, as far as I'm concerned."- Professor Paula Bennett, Seattle Central Community College, on the meaning of Emily Dickinson's poetry.

8/1/01

I watched some Cricket on a foreign channel last night.  Near as I can figure, the point is for the batter to block the ball thrown from the pitcher from hitting 3 stakes in the ground behind the batter, while at the same time trying to hit the ball past the fielders that surround the batter in all directions.   I watched the West Indies team play New Zealand.  It was weird, all the people in the stands looked normal, almost like Americans.  I figured people who actually watched this game in foreign countries must not be very modernized, but they even had things like eye glasses, binoculars and clothes made from synthetic fibers, not grass or anything.  Anyway, I would recommend Cricket (or maybe Criquet) to anyone who likes figuring out dumb foreign games for a chuckle.

I'd like to thank my Mom for stopping into the guestbook to berate me.  I love you too, Mom.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Oh, cruel fate, why do you mock me."- Homer Simpson