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Cafiero's Monkey Of The Week will be coming soon.  Hopefully.

8/29/02

My brother John just moved to Greeley, CO to attend the University of Northern Colorado.  My Alma Mater.  Go Bears.  Anyway, I email him to see how he is doing and this is what I get back:

"Hello daniel, we got in trouble today with about 4 R.A.'s in our dorm.  We bought Dog food and a bowl, and set it up in our room.  This way everybody thought we had a dog.  On our dry erase board, we wrote notes to each other, that would say, "Get the You know what from the vet and take it for a walk."  We downloaded dogs barking and set it off.  People came by asking to see it, one even claimed she saw it.  We got in trouble for this.  One R.A. told us it wasn't a funny joke.  Anyway they were pretty cool about it once they found out it was fake."

So it appears school is going well for the lad. The note on the wall (Get the You know what from the vet) and the girl who said she saw are what get me.  Dumbasses.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I apologize for lying to you.....I promise I won't deceive you except in matters of this sort."- Spiro T. Agnew.

8/27/02

My friend sainsworth (Sainsworth right, Becca left, Meatloaf middle) decided to write a spiel.  I can't believe some one besides me and Cafiero will put their name to one.  therefore I am pleased.  Here she goes:

Davis,

My friend Becca is addicted to trash TV and reality television shows.
She'll sit for hours to watch the talks shows like Montel, Maury and Ricky
Lake.  Everyday when we come home for lunch, we have to watch ElimiDATE.
It's this totally stupid show where one guy or girl takes out 5 people of
the opposite sex at the same time and they each compete to be the final
date.  Basically, it's a bunch of people falling all over themselves to be
the sexiest, sluttiest one.  She's also addicted to the "reality shows" on
MTV- RealWorld, RoadRules and Sorority Life are all she seems to watch.  The
people on these shows are total idiots.  I can't stand to watch them. 
The other day, she came up with an idea for a TV station that is all
reality-based TV.  This actually got my attention, because I figure Becca
isn't the only person who's addicted to reality television.  Here are some
of her ideas:

Geek TV:  you pick out some total nerd in high school and follow him/her
around.  This would work for a little while, but I think it would fail for
two reasons.  First- the kid would figure out the reason they were chosen
was because they're a nerd.  This could cause some serious psychological
issues and I'd imagine they wouldn't do it for too long.  Second, once the
other kids figure out this kid is always on TV, they'll start hanging out
with him and he'll no longer be the nerd.  Then what would be the point?

Third World Real World:  you can do this two ways really.  Stick Americans
in a house in a third world country and see how they do.  Not sure this is
so exciting.  Or, you can just group a bunch of the third-worlders together
and watch how they survive.  We'd probably have to stick them in their
native dwelling- hut, mudhouse or whatever, so it might be hard to fit the
cameras in.  I'd imagine this show would be pretty depressing though.

Apparently, the major networks have already picked up on this brilliant idea
because CBS is starting their own reality show called "Real Beverly
Hillbillies". Here's the link.  Basically, they follow the adventures of a
rural, lower-middle class family.  Now you're talkin.  Watch Pa hookin' up
with the daughter and all that.  It'd be an instant hit with Becca I'm sure.

Shannah Sainsworth performed well, me thinks.  I am reminded of Madonna's like a virgin.  Well performed, indeed.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Alot of people my age are dead at the present time"- Casey Stengel, Baseball great.

8/23/02

I don't like the shows about people overcoming diseases and stuff, but I like the ones about solving murders and stuff.  But I have to be careful when I watch them because if it's at night, I get a little freaked out.  Now that I live alone, Chuck notwithstanding, I tend to be, how shall I say, skittish?  I have to make sure all the doors and windows are locked.  It doesn't help that every little sound sets me off.  This skittishness arises especially if I see a murder show that is unsolved, because that means a killer is on the loose.  Any would-be attacker betta come correct, cuz I don't know karate, but I know ka-razy.

Ever notice how Adam Sandler makes himself an ass kicker with a heart in all his movies.  Happy Gilmore beat people up and saved his grandma.  The Waterboy crushed people on the field, but he loved his momma. In his new one, Mr. Deeds he crushes a fake mugger and gives 40 Billion to The United Negro College Fund.   I think he is insecure in real life, is scared of fighting, and tries too hard to be "down".  Cracka ass cracka..

BTW, my friend Jessica says that there is nothing wrong with a single guy who has a cat.  In fact, she says, this just means that I am very secure with myself.  That makes me feel uncomfortable.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "It's not listed in the bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshhow host."- James Bakker.

8/22/02

Here's my good friend Mark:

For the past few months, I have often had a little window pop up on my
computer screen when I open up my browser or certain pages on the web.
It's an advertisement for a little spy video camera.  They are marketing
it as a security device... you know - you can have one overlooking the
pool to make sure no one drowns, and another one at the front door, in
case the boogie man shows up, etc...  And the ad has pictures that show a
kid next to the pool, a birds eye view of a guy at the door,
respectively... but they also show a picture of a woman sleeping, and
another woman in a swimsuit.  Are they implying something here?  Perhaps
to a market which they can't publicly address?   Hmmm.

I just don't know how a sleeping woman would pose a threat to your home.
Haha.  I bet these "security cameras" are selling like hotcakes!

I would have like to have had one in college... it took me a while to find
out who the fridge burglar was.  I would walk into the kitchen in the
morning and judging by the mess all around, some slob had apparently
broken into the kitch, made a midnight snack out of all MY food and left,
with wrappers scattered about the floor.  It wasn't for weeks that I
caught the villain red-handed.  It was my dog, Cogan.  She has been known
to get the midnight munchies often and it kind of all came together.  She
knows how to open the fridge and help herself to some human kibbles.

Once, I made a tuna sandwich, when the phone rang.  I got off the phone
and she had not only ate all the tuna I had mixed up in a bowl (got it off
the counter), but I was missing an entire loaf of bread.  I found the
plastic bag that it was in hours later, crammed behind her little doggy
bed.

Oh man those dogs... just when you want to kill 'em, they look at you
with those cute little doggy brown-eyes.  Ya just can't stay mad at the
little fella's.

(Dan- My friend Brandon bought those camera's and wants to use them to spy on $cientologists.  I am scared though. )

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "No unmet needs exist and current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met."- Transportation Commission on Unmet Transit Needs, California.

8/13/02

Mark sets the record straight:

Recently I wrote a speil about sorority girls and Dan's one-sentence
prologue had a sarcastic, "Mark makes some friends below". 

Well, I don't know any sorority girls, so it's not like I am losing friends
or friends that I would have ever met again anyway.  I know a lot of
ex-sorority girls and if they get offended by my speil, they need to
remember that they are no longer in College.  Too many people live in the
past. Plus, I am just being real - kind of like that British judge on
American Idol.  He is brutally honest, like myself, but also like myself,
he plays no games and is usually right on.

The "Helpful" mystery guest is not so mysterious.  By not giving her name,
I can tell she has low self-esteem.  And she said "Sheesh" in her guest
spiel.  That say's a lot about her, too.   (Editors Note- What about her friend Cate that wants me, that's really weird.  And who spells Kate as Cate.  Some people just have to be different).

I saw a Rocky's Auto commercial, where it shows Rocky peeing his pants.
He was nervous because the cops had him.  And I thought for a second, "He
must have some sort of water balloon or something in his pants to make it
look like he's pissiing on himself".  Nope - it's real.  He really pissed
his pants for the commercial.  Pretty classy commercial.  I know I will be
going straight to Rocky's next time I want to buy a car.

Next Sunday I am running the Pike's Peak Marathon.  It's 26 miles, with a
vertical gain of 8,000 feet and top elevation of 14,110 feet.  It's my
annual self-punishment that I subject to myself.  At the finish line,
there is a huge tent where you go and fall down onto a massage table and
they massage your legs.  I would hate to be one of those massage
therapists.  I wonder if I have a hot chick doing my legs, I can request
an upgrade to an erotic message.  I don't care if there are other people
there, I think an erotic massage from a hot chick would be the perfect way
to end the race.  I'll let you know if she's up for it.

Thanks Mark.  My friend Jessica ran a half marathon on Saturday and did wonderful.  All my friends run and I'm starting to think I should start.  I want to buy a bike but I don't want to be pressured into buying one of those little fruity bike riding outfits people wear.  I hate those.  If you aren't in an actual race then I think they are superfluous.  You don't see people on softball teams wearing baseball uniforms, just a loose jersey or t-shirt.  If you don't want to look gay, you are taking a big chance by wearing that type of attire.

I've noticed my spiels have turned more into rants.  Therefore, I believe I will take time off from the spiels to reflect on my non-funny anger.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."- Emo Phillips.

8/12/02

It turns out the town I attended college at, Greeley, Colorado, is where a bunch of e coli beef came from.  Greeley itself stinks because of all the shit and boiling blood at the meat packing plants, but I still love to eat dead animals.Some none-meat-cooking-thoroughly-meat-enthusiasts were stricken and I think a few died.  Some prisons that received the meat made the prisoners eat it even though they knew it was tainted.  Rehabilitation never tasted so much like diarrhea (except for maybe the prison bitch).

I hate the show "You Gotta See This".  All the limbs breaking and heads cracking makes me ill.  But skateboarders and others continue to tape themselves doing dumbass things.  I know they have seen the footage, but its not enough for them to stop.  To me, it would be like if someone showed me a tape of what happens when you shit your pants, and then you eat a bunch of ex-lax.  Was no lesson learned?  I love the show Cheaters where someone thinks their special someone is cheating and the show "investigates".  Then the show takes the cheatee to the place where the cheaters are together.  The show plays video for the cheatee of different days of the investigation, and then they confront the cheaters.  Sometimes they have to coordinate with a PI named Gomez.  The shows host Tommy is moralizer who asks questions of pertinence to the cheaters like, "If you are not skanky then why did you have sex in a church parking lot in a car?  Wanna see the tape?"

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I hoped you at least changed the sheets between us."- Some angry girl on Cheaters.

8/11/02

Here is a spiel from some girl who calls herself "Helpful".  She has been ranting in my guestbook against me and some guy named Paul from Iowa .  She doesn't want me to know who she is so she made a fake email account, which I think means she was part of a radical 60's group that bombed banks to begin a revolution for a world economy.  That's just one theory.  Apparently she has opinions on things other than how lousy I am, and here is one:

Subj:	From "Helpful"
Date:	8/11/2002 10:36:06 AM Mountain Daylight Time
From:	constructive_feedback@yahoo.com
To:	Me

This is my spiel.  Feel free to use or discard. 

I think bouncers are a funny breed. Maybe in bouncers’ social circles its cool to monster-up your already enormous pick up truck and shave your head bald to make yourself look tougher. From the outside, looking in through female eyes – its so cheesey! Sheesh! You are NOT strong just because you’re extremely obese. You are not a man of mystery, because you choose to not speak to the lowly patrons. I went to a hole-in-the-wall bar last night to watch a friend play in a band. The "bouncer" was so overweight, he could barely move. Luckily there were only about 6 people in the bar - –so keeping the peace was accomplished with his "imposing" stature. The huge crowd also allowed this powerful force to focus on other important things – such as getting change for the $5 cover and changing light bulbs. The crazy thing his that I’m sure he is so proud of being a bouncer and tells everyone he knows that they are safe in his company – (but leave out this part) as long as the mugger is blind and one-legged.

Ok, she's done.  Good Job.  It's me again.  I think she goes to hick bars because I don't see bouncers like that downtown.  I hope she doesn't wear those icky cowgirl pants without the pockets.  Email me again if your friend's band has a tape or CD or an upcoming show, 6  people can't be wrong.  On the beer goggle's issue w/ women, a few have come forth and said women do not see men more attractive when they are drunk.  They just get looser.  Thanks to those who set me straight.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"- I dunno, heard it somewhere.

8/10/02

Here's the affable Mark Cafiero again:

Ok, I am starting to get pissed.  This is almost as bad as when my sister
pissed me off by telling me that I would look like Frank Azar if I were
fat.  But it got me thinking... I wonder if there's another guy in this
world named Mark Cafiero.  Not a very common name, unless you ignore the
last name part.

Well, I did a Google Search on "Mark Cafiero".  I was surprised to see so
many links that go to pages that are about me, or at least mention
something I did.   That was interesting, but there is not another "Mark
Cafiero", but I found a "Rob Cafiero".  I was kind of hoping if there is
another "Cafiero" out there, that he would have a cool first name, like
Fredrico, or Santiago, or Enrique, or "Dirk"...  So I am less excited
about learning more of this mystery relative, but I figure, what the
hell...  from the description, "Tower of Power, Cafiero Made His
Tape-Measure Home Runs a Villanova Trademark " that would be enough for me.

Not too flattering (See it for yourself:
http://villanova.ocsn.com/sports/m-basebl/spec-rel/060302aaa.html ).
Tower of Power?  This Rob guy looks like the "Average Joe" stereotype.  I
can't believe another "Cafiero" would neglect his health so much.  Look at
that beer belly.  What a shame.  Yeah, he plays baseball -so what.  We all
know what kind of athlete it takes to be a baseball player.  Most of them
have similar physiques to that of a pro bowler.

Sunn bitch.  I'll let you know if I find any more impressive relatives.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing."- The Dude, The Big Lebowski.

8/09/02

In porn, every actress is a "porn star".  Likewise, in sports every veteran is a "wily veteran".  What this means I am not sure.  I think it means they know how to score chicks on road trips.  I think it also means they know how to cheat and get away with it (Pornstars, too).   This means once you played long enough, it's ok to slash a guy on the other team, kick someone's nuts in the bottom of the pile, or in Michael Jordan's case, push off, walk and hit the winning shot against the Jazz.  That's ok though because I hate the Jazz with the fire of a thousand suns.  After 4 years at my job, I think of myself as a wily veteran because I rarely complete assigned tasks, I am constantly late, I bitch about management and I have demanded a trade to a company who's stock is over $1.30 unless I get a large signing bonus.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."- Homer Simpson

8/08/02

Mark Cafiero wins some friends below:

I think the worst reality TV show that has ever hit the tube is MTV's
"Sorority Girls".  It's just a show about a bunch of chicks bitching to
each other, gossiping, and eating, drinking, and eating (some more).  They
don't show them puking themselves after their eating binges which in my
opinion, is exactly what's missing.  That's what would make it a Reality
Show. 

There's only a handful of girls that don't do that and you can pick 'em
out very easily.  They have the big fannys and hail damaged thighs.  They
actually give one girl a lot of attention, and I even wonder why she's in
this sorority.  She's like a Navaho chick or something and has kind of a
big bottom and no one likes her.  That makes it pretty real, though.
Every sorority that I have ever seen are either full of hot hot chicks,
but have like 2 or 3 ugly ones, or are full of fat, ugly chicks, but have
like 2-3 hot ones.  At UNC where I went, however, I think all the
sororities had about a 50/50 ratio of hot/ugly, except for one which was
99% ugly and 2-3 hot chicks.

There was one sorority that had this click of girls that weren't even hot
by any means, yet I was always terribly scared and intimidated by them
because they were mean looking.  Recently, I went to a friends wedding and
was sure that they'd be there and I was pretty confident that now that
college is over, I would not be faded the least by them.  Sure enough
though, as soon as these chicks strutted into the place, I started feeling
all intimidated.  Guess things never change.  They still look meaner than
ever and never smile.  Damn them - get 'em outta here!

QUOTE OF THE DAY-  "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."- Dean Wormer, Animal House.