Nigerian E-mail Scam
Denver Nuggets Potpourri
My Survivor Application
My Ex-Boss/Friend Johanna and Jackie Please
I got my first first Nigerian Scam email the other day. I was really
excited. Some Nigerian had a really great opportunity for me so I
decided to email back with my intent to be his partner in a most lucrative
deal. Let me just say that this is long. Here's our email
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "A
good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still
requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational
error."- Dennis Miller.
I just thought of another excellent idea. This is something that I
will protect the US from future terrorist attacks, etc.
I think the problem is that George Busch is not intimidating enough.
kind of looks like a chump and terrorists probably laugh at him. Not
He has a speaker, and I forgot what his name is, but he often speaks to
the press, answers questions, etc. He knows everything, and he's
good! Kind of monotone, but he seems to have his shit together.
though... not intimidating enough. We need a representative that
just hands-down, scare the shit out of other countries.
I have just the person in mind, too: Marilyn Manson. He scares
his crazy make up and dark creepy hair. His one white eye is enough
make anyone cry on sight. Let that guy be our country's rep!
be the icon of our Nation, so that whenever people from other countries
think about the US, they are immediately scared and will avoid thinking
twice about trying anything funny with us.
On another note - I have just realized that I am in love with Drew
Barrymore. I saw her on David Letterman a couple weeks ago, and I
she is my soul mate. I know this sounds crazy, but I am in love.
told her the "L" word. Yep - haven't even met her and I
told her that I
love her. If only she could hear my sweet words through the TV set.
will save my virginity for her.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You should have to pass an
IQ test before you breed. You have to take a driving test to operate
vehicles and an SAT test to get into college. So why don't you have to
take some sort of test before you give birth to children? When I am
President, that's the first rule I will institute." -Marilyn
Ash's girlfriend Bridgette's
brother Brendan wrote me a
Faith is a great thing, don't get me wrong, but there will come a time
when Religion (Especially a monotheism such as Christianity) will be given
its last rights... or its first step into universal backing.
What I'm getting at here is that the only way to ever prove or disprove
our current belief systems is by coming in contact with at least one
intelligent extraterrestrial race. It comes down to if they believe or
not. The defining moment for any of the current religions is if another
group of beings from a different planet also believe in the same
doctrines. For example, if an extraterrestrial sect believes that a member
of their race died for their sins X years ago and that he was born of a
"virgin" mother (whatever that might be in their race.) the
validity of Christianity will be greatly strengthened. Although, in all
truth, any religion could be supported or none at all.
This of course has serious weight for those of us that
"believe" in this day and age. When and if modern day religions
are proved or disproved a paradigm shift is going to occur. A sort of
"Universal Religion" will be spawned, both figuratively and
literally speaking which will enable a number of things to happen, all of
which I will touch on next time.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Hearing
nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."-
The terrorists always say "God willing...." something will
happen, and generally it does not. Conversely, if it does not
happen, that should mean God was not willing, and therefore they are going
against God by trying to make it happen. As much as they study and
pray you would think they would have stumbled upon this paradox. At
least they grow their beards like God likes. Allahu Akbar.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "When I was a kid I
used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord
doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."-
Well, it's Christmas time again.
I am so freaking broke, too that I had to get creative. I knew that if I
could just think of something cheap that I could send out to my entire
family, I would be able to survive the holidays, so I got creative and
just made a nice Christmas Card. My grandmother, who is especially
critical should approve, I hope.
Please post my latest creation!
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole
right side sobered up."- Dean Martin.
I mentioned before that the stories of women going in groups to the
Adult Bookstore are true. I didn't think I would get a picture, but
I did. It was very gracious of the perverts to give me one.
Faces have been blurred to protect the uninhibited deviants. Of
course it could just be a bunch of cross dressing men.
I went and saw a Neil Diamond cover band called
Super Diamond a couple weeks ago. I got tickets because a friend had
a couple extra. It was pretty wacky, there were people of all ages
getting down to a fake Neil Diamond. (Lots of hot chicks. I
thought chicks don't like a fake Diamond. oh ha ha, ew, it hurts,
that was good.) They knew he was fake and they still paid $30 to see
him. I can't imagine myself in 20 years paying to see any cover
bands of today's music, or even groups of the past 15 years. A
Milli Vanilli one would be pretty ironic. But I digress. Know
what sucks worse than Neil Diamond? A fake Neil Diamond. I had
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Last week I stated
that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been
visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."- Mark
I think a good idea for a serial killer movie would be one where the
killer kills everyone who has their same birthday. The cops usually
look at that sort of thing very early but this time they would put it
together only when it was too late. After a list of victims in the
hundreds of thousands, the cops would piece it together. Only 2
people would be left, the killer and the last victim. The last
victim would have to be some hot chick and she would be protected by some
guy cop. They wouldn't fall in love though. They would both
get killed and the killer would win. But the last scene would be the
next year on that birthday thousands of new victims would be born, thus
leaving the option for a sequel open. All the money is in the
My male friends rejoice! The stories of women going in groups to the
Adult Bookstore are true! I doubt I will get any of the pictures,
but if I close my eyes........
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "First the doctor told
me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."-
Another poem for that-ass, by Mark
The 70's, by "Anonymous"
It's almost 2003 and I'm sorry to say
I wish I could live in another day.
Don't get me wrong, now's better than nothin'
But so much crap in the world, like dealing with Bin Ladin.
In the seventies, people liked to wear shades of brown
Try that today and you'll hear "Get out of town!"
So the clothes and hair were kinda bad
But they didn't care as much about what was the fad!
They partied all night and hit the disco flo'
Poon tang was big and bushy, who could ask for anything mo'
Got a little chest hair? Don't get it shaved!
The chicks dug a little macho ness, that's how they behaved!
No one had jobs, they just parted and drank.
And made sweet love - the love boat never sank!
Did the chicks want commitments? NO WAY!
Today they just to get married, not just give a lay. (BOO!)
So now it's 2003 and I guess I am stuck.
To find a girl who's not obsessed about marriage... good luck.
I'll be ready to marry someday, but now I am just a kid!
Why do girls always want a relationship? Man, that sucks.
Marriage, by Mark Cafiero
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My wife and I were
happy for twenty years. Then we met."- Rodney Dangerfield.
I have a friend at work (who shall remain nameless) who makes every decision in life based on "will chicks dig
it?" The last couple weeks he has been growing his hair out to achieve
the status of "mane". Like a horse. He says chicks
dig that long man hair, not a mullet, a "mane". Other
decisions he has made have been to get rid of his car, quit drinking and
carry around at least 1 porn movie at all times.
I try to use 2 new words or phrases a week, you
know, just to expand my vocabulary. This week I am trying to
incorporate "doozy" and "big galoot" into my everyday
Just by the sound of the two crimes, you'd think
manslaughter would be worse than homicide. But it isn't.
Whoever made that shit up is stupid.
Why can't I call the slots on a toaster "toast holes"?
Is "bombing Tora Bora" a good term for sex?
QUOTE OF THE DAY-"There are a number of
mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."- PJ
I borrowed The Sopranos seasons 1 & 2 from one
of my friends and I've been watching a couple of episodes a day. 3
nights ago I dreamed I killed my friend Lenny over some business, then I
killed my friend Vince when he got nervous. He was gonna squeal so I
had to do it. But in my dream I don't get any of the good food, just
the killing. Subconsciously I bastardize Italian heritage and whore
out only the violent media fueled cravings I have.
If the lesson in the movie Shrek is to not judge others by appearances,
then why do they all make fun of Lord Farquaardt's height? I
think it means it is not ok to make fun of ugly people, just short people.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Whenever I watch TV
and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry.
I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."- Mariah Carey.
Mark is back
with another poem:
I like writing poems. Here's another poem for that-ass.
Boozin' and Foozin' by Mark Cafiero
Sometimes out of the blue, when I have no plans
I start to wish I were famous, wish I had some fans
One thing always quenches that thirst
Where the place I get, always is 1st.
People gather round to watch me, the masta
when I'm on the table you can expect mucho disasta
Orange or Black, I choose my doods
Not a racist, but for today, Orange fits my moods
I give a quick spin to make sure the instuments are smoove
and check out my competition who will certainly loose
That last little ditty was kind of a forced rhyme
But that's OK, cause I have plenty of time
So there I be at with my wrist-muscles a-flexins
to psyche myself right I pretend the other team are Texans
The foo drops da ball, dat cocky mo-fo is soon to frown
cuz my skillz are too hard I pass perfelctly down
Then with a quick move I jiggle around
and faster than light, you hear that sweet sound...
...of the collision between hard ball and tin
right away, I know I gonna WIN
By the way, while I be foozin,
not allowed on the table but my drink gets me boozin.
And so it go on and I kick some sweet ass
I challenge you to fooz. If you dare.
Boozin' and Foozin', by Mark Cafiero
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If Dracula can't see
his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly
combed?"- Steven Wright.