Nigerian E-mail Scam
Denver Nuggets Potpourri
My Survivor Application
My Ex-Boss/Friend Johanna and Jackie Please
I haven't been able to get into the Dave Matthews Band. The same
goes for all the DMB wannabe's like Jack Johnson (former DMB member?) and
John Mayer. Ugh. I believe they are just like Christian bands
in that their topics are stagnant. All Christian singers sing about
is God and Jesus. All Dave Matthews and Associates sing about is
girls. Nothing else, just girls. BORING. I have not
heard every album and I am sure there is the token song about drugs and
maybe one about a dead friend or relative, but those songs about girls are
getting old. Plus, if I walked up to a girl and told her to
"hike up her skirt a little more, show your (her) world to me",
I'm sure I'd get a punch in the nose. Dave Matthews says this and he
gets to make melodious love in a field of daisies or something.
That's not fair.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can
fake whole relationships."- Sharon Stone
A couple weeks ago the Colorado Avalanche beat the Red Wings 2 games in a
row. Since I haven't updated in awhile, I will comment on it
now. Brett Hull at the time needed 1 goal for 700 in his illustrious
career. But alas the Avalanche held him scoreless. There would
be no goal for Butt Hole. I think he was pushing too hard, but
that's just me.
I have gone to a couple of the Colorado Mammoth lacrosse games and they
are pretty damn fun. What's not to like about guys running around
hitting each other with sticks. Everyone in the crowd is usually
shitfaced and load music plays. The dancers for the Mammoth, The Mammoth
Dancers (ha ha), are not as good as my beloved Nuggets Dancers.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Hockey is a sport for white men, basketball is a
sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
pimps."- Tiger Woods
Why do all kids that have to write a story for class end their story with
"And then I woke up and it was all a dream."
In my opinion, some things naturally enhance other things just by their
presence alone. Anything with midgets is automatically better.
Movies, carnivals, doctors appointments. If midgets are there, its
better. Clothes are okay, but monkeys in clothes? That is pure
gold. And songs that have a computer voice, like Beck's Two
Turntables And A Microphone. That one small part with the computer
voice makes the song. And Neil Young's Trans album, that one is the
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row
of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people
who do."- Henry Kissinger. (I think the same about people who
participate in pot lucks.)
Joe Millionaire ended recently and I am sad it's over. Evan
certainly has a lot going for him and I am not sure why he needed a show
to find a special lady like Zora. He is kind of a hypocrite because
he kept saying he wanted to find a woman who does not like him for his
fake money, but at the same time he would say he kept certain ladies
because they were hot. Even though Evan didn't know them as well he
was willing to give them a shot because of how they looked. His search for a girl who wasn't a
gold digger was overridden by his innate lust for hot chicks with large
breasts. I want the next reality show to be Jill Penis. It
will be about a guy posing as a girl and dating a bunch of dudes and the
last episode she will reveal her penis.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If I had money to
give and time, I'd want to go to a Third World country and bathe their
children and give shots and do things like that. But that's me. I'm a
mercenary kind of person, you know."- Melissa Mowery, Joe
Mark gives what I
think is my favorite Mark Spiel and poem ever:
I am sick of that Jared guy from Subway.
He's loaded now because he got skinny from eating Subway Veggie Subs.
Well I decided that enough is enough and I am going to ruin his whole
party. I'm going to go to Subway and I'm gonna eat shitloads of
subs with mayo and chips... lots of Chips until I gain 360 pounds.
am going to make my own brochures about how Subway made me FAT and I'm
gonna make a video that will show me when I was lighter and how I am fat
pay major TV stations to put it on the air.... How I got fat by Subway.
am so pissed right now about Jared, that I think I better write a poem for
that-ass about him.
Subway Jared, by Mark Cafiero
Once upon a time there was a fat mo-fo, Jared be he name...
Lost a shitload of weight eating subs, but his face looks the same.
Once upon a time the fat dude was nothin more than a nerd.
Look at him now.. lost some weight became a skinnier, richer... nerd.
Got to be on Oprah and talked all about he-self and how cool he be
But I'd like to see tha fool take off his shirt at Spring Break MTV
I bet he still has man boobies, just smaller.
Man Boobies, by Mark Cafiero
(Again, this poem has 2 titles, one at the beginning and one at the
end. Brilliant.- Dan)
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our
nation's history.....this century's history....We all lived in this
century. I didn't live in this century."- Dan Quayle.