Nigerian E-mail Scam
Denver Nuggets Potpourri
My Survivor Application
My Ex-Boss/Friend Johanna and Jackie Please
The third best Superbowl ever was played Sunday with the Gayders getting
punked on worldwide TV. Just whine baby. Commitment to
polyester. Extra spiky costumes being worn by circus freaks only
takes you so far.
Buffalo has 2 teams, the Bills and the Sabres, where the mascot is
ignored. Even though they are the Bills and the Sabres, their
uniforms have a buffalo on them. Both teams should be named The
QUOTE OF THE DAY-
"If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits
somewhere else."- Gordon Sinclair.
OK - something's been on my mind lately.
Butterflys. I am not convinced that those bugs with pretty wings are
really called "Butterflys". Some jack-ass purposefully and
successfully tricked generations and generations of people a long
long long-ass time ago.
I don't have any facts to back up my theory, but I don't need them
either - it's so freaking obvious!
Once, long long ago, the little bugs with pretty wings were called
"Flutter-By's". Duh! Because they flutter by!
Then some jack-ass thought it would be funny to mix it up and start
calling them "ButterFlys". That is the stupidist thing,
else in his tribe (I bet he was an Indian!) started calling them
Butterflys and next thing you know, they all started to believe they
are called Butterflys. I'd like to kick that guy's ass!
Well, to protest this, I am going to try to get those little critters
called, throughout the world, by their REAL name: "FlutterBys".
Please join me in this and do not call the bugs by their slave
name! They shall finally be called "Flutter Bys" again.
Speaking of bugs... what if FlutterBys had stingers? Ya think they
would still be the precious things we know of them now?
trashy people would not put the giant FlutterBys on their houses as
A while ago I took pics at a sorority party and this chick got wasted
and wanted to do nude (well, just topless) pics with me for some
reason. I would never pass up such an opportunity. (Here
it is, but I don't suggest opening it at work.)
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If
one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"-
Let's compare cats, shall we? I have a cat
named Chuck. Jane has a cat named Jack. Chuck is orange and
white but mostly white. Jack is orange and white but mostly
orange. Both have tiger striped tails. Chuck has a spot of
orange fur on the left side of his face. Jack has a spot of fur on
the right side of his face. Chuck has a tie. Jack does
not. The biggest difference? Chuck can't be faded.
Chuck D. Don't Hate.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I never forget a
pussy. Cat."- Austin Powers.
My reality show addiction is hitting new lows. I am currently
involved in Joe Millionaire, High School Reunion and The Real World
(although the Real World is boooooring). I watched the first
American Idol but it will be the last time. The bad singers are the
only thing worth a shit on that show. Plus, Survivor starts again in
a couple weeks. A few days ago, I actually contemplated the
following quandary: If my TV has 2 inputs, and you can set a VCR to
record a channel while watching another channel, then can I in turn put 2
VCR's on 1 TV and set each VCR to record a different channel while
watching a 3rd channel? I have 2 VCR's on 2 TV's right now but they
aren't cutting my recording load. Between the reality shows and
Nuggets and Avalanche games I am stretched really thin. I think I am
interested in High School Reunion because my 10 year high school reunion
is this year. I was hoping I'd be hunky and rich by now. Good
thing it panned out the way I wanted, otherwise it would be embarrassing.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My dandy voice makes
the most Anti-choice granny's panties moist."- MC Paul Barman
I got cutoff and 86'd out of a bar the other night for calling the
waitress a "Nugget Lover". She made fun of the Nuggets and
I let her know where she really stood. She didn't like it.
Then I asked her to take a picture with me since I had never been cutoff
before. She said "not with YOU". I didn't cuss, yell
or call her dirty names. If I'd known I would tossed out for that I
would have added a "slut" or "bitch". But alas,
it's hard to tell someone's threshold for being called a "Nugget
Lover". Maybe she had a repressed memory about nuggets and I
traumatized it out of her.
Utah Jazz? They don't even allow music in Utah.
The Nuggets played the Jazz on January 15th, it was close throughout, but
near the end the Jizz pulled away. With 9 seconds left and no one guarding
him, John Stockton raced down the floor to get a layup. Jizz won by
11. He pulls that kind of crap regularly. That's why I smile
every time I think of that bitch not earning or winning an NBA
title. That is because he and his cracker buddy Malone are chokers.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I'm very proud of my
gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this
watch."- Woody Allen.
I was cooking some dinner last night and the glass lid to my pan
exploded. Glass went all over the counter, stove, floor and my
food. I took some shrapnel resulting in some cuts. I was
really mad because the chow smelled good, some chicken, veggies and
rice. It was a traumatic affair but I was somehow able to return to
the kitchen tonight. I did avoid the glassware and stove top and
opted to put a California Pizza Kitchen pizza in the oven. It's all
about baby steps.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Whenever cannibals
are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in it's infinite mercy, sends them
a fat missionary."- Oscar Wilde
Since I go to many Denver
Nuggets games, my chances of coming into contact with My
Favorite Nuggets Dancer, Ann Littleton are pretty good. I have 3
stories about her from recent games.
1. I caught a shirt she threw at a game. In truth Frame
caught it and I cried when he wouldn't give it to me. So he gave it
to me. I put it in a humidor for awhile to preserve it.
2. At another game with my friend Tae (This is a really old pic), we were talking about how she
wasn't there. Then I noticed she was sitting one row behind me, caddy
corner across the aisle. I didn't talk to her though. What if I did and then
she didn't stimulate my intellect as well as my loins? I wouldn't be
able to handle that. So I chose the safe route. But she was definitely
within earshot. Let's just she
must not have heard the romantic things we we're saying about her because
she wasn't giving us dirty looks.
3. I sat 3rd row one game and was able to obtain some stalker
photo's. They didn't turn out too well but I had to be quick to
avoid looking stalker-ish. I think the best way to not appear
stalker-ish is to not stalk her, but you know how it goes. At least
I don't have a shrine with candles, pictures and stolen locks of her hair.
QUOTE OF THE DAY-
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."- Emo
Mark wrote a
poem. Notice all his poems have a title at the beginning and a
different title at the end. This one actually has 3 titles. It's a new form of poetry.
Poem For That-Ass by Mark Cafiero
My George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine, By Mark Cafiero
In a special spot in my kitchen
sits an appliance that is way bitchen.
Has a little bun warmer, which is very sweet.
And you say this darling machine can cook my meat?
Well plug tha motha' fucka' in and and you'll see what it can do.
The bitch has a grillin' attutude and a mean bite, too!
Put some cheese in a tortilla and stuff it inside.
Two minutes lata' you got a quesadilla, set it aside.
That fuckin shit's an insult to ol George
The machine doesnt simmer, it wants to GORGE!
Stuff tha bitch with a fat slab of beef
It will annialiate the shit, and spit grease through his teef!
And George invented the bitch, and thats no big surprise
But I await for may FAVORITE boxer to make his OWN machine, I ant talkin
Cassius Clay, or Muhammad Ali, The Thrilla in Manilla
I'll name it the Thrilla in Manilla Slab-a-Meat Grilla!
My Thrilla in Manilla Slab-a-Meat Grilla, by Mark Cafiero
QUOTE OF THE DAY- ""If
something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing."- Homer