-There is a fine line between clever and stupid

Random Thoughts- 



My ex-boss Jackie Please has invited me to her bachelorette party.  No good can come of this, therefore I will not be attending.  The bad scenario's range from holding hair while some chick pukes to being assumed as the gay friend.  The worst scenario's involve the male strippers.  I don't think there will be any greasy mullet men, but I can't be sure.  I have taken women to strip clubs and I have seen the way they get the extra special lap dance and lots of attention from the strippers.  I can't take the chance that I would receive the same from some bo-hunk.  I may run for office someday.

Nuggets were 6-0 in the summer league.  That's right, bitch.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."- Dan Quayle.


I seem to get tongue tied sometimes.  The other day I said "hampy cappers" instead of "happy campers".  Another time I was thinking of shoes and boots and I said "shoots".  I've decided to think of this as a gift. 

Speaking of shoes, Ash said women like it when you comment on their clothes and use details.  For instance, his example was turning, "nice shoes" into, "nice patent leather shoes."  I didn't really get it at first and I told all women "nice patent leather shoes" no matter what kind they were wearing.  Like I can pick out patent leather on the first day.  Anyway, we were at the bar and my friend Brooke's boyfriend (his name escapes me so I will call him Dakota) tells me he knows a girl walking our way and to try it.  So I gave her the shoes comment and she looked up really happy and said thanks.  But it turned out Dakota did not know her and tricked me.  And I got no play.  So while women do seem to enjoy it, it has not been a deal maker or breaker thus far.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "A misogynist is a man who hates women as much as women hate each other."- HL Mencken


I was talking to my friend SAinsworth and we were reminiscing about the TV movie "V", and the sequel "V: The Final Battle".  Victory!  It was on in the early 80's and starred Marc Singer of Beastmaster fame.  Alien lizards that looked human came to earth and acted all nice, but really they ate rats and stored grandma in the mothership to eat later and wanted to steal our water.  Some humans fell under their influence and unknowingly helped them, while some aliens, like Robert Englund of Nightmare On Elm Street fame knew right from wrong and helped the denizens of Earth.  Marc Singer was a cameraman for TV and got the bastards on tape up to no good, and so began the war for our very lives.  The show had awesome special effects, like this one 16 year old girl who boned an alien and had a little lizard baby.  Later on she gassed her baby daddy.  Kids shouldn't be having kids, but if there is a mom and a dad, it is sad when they gas each other.   I think the makeup people got paid extra because the aliens looked human, and then their face would peel away showing a lizard, which  was make-up over the real person.  It was like those Russian wooden dolls where there's about 12 of them, except only 3.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My mother didn't breast feed me. She said she just liked me as a friend."- Rodney Dangerfield


Cafiero shows his sensitive side:

A little poem for that-ass:

Hippies, by Mark Cafiero

Living in Boulder is a lot of fun,
The Trees, The Mountains, the Grass, The sun.

But one thing makes the whole place suck,
one look at these creatures will make you say "yuck!"

They get real mad when I eat a steak
or when cage-free chicken eggs I refuse to take.

They hate my Jeep cause it's made to destroy
and instead of milk, they prefer to drink soy.

The men have dirty beards and clothes never fits
The girls cant get jobs 'cause there's hair in their pits

Pamela Anderson would look better if she'd just grow some dreads
I wonder how many bugs you could find in their heads.

A VW van is what they call "kind"
but in their brain, there's nothing to find.

The world's fucked up, all sorts of big problems
but all  they care about is whether or not you are eating organic shit.


QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert'.  I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."- Emo Philips.


How do you respond when someone asks you if the story about you shitting you pants are true?  That is a load(ed) question.  I decided to play along and admit it, then 5 minutes later disclose that it was not true.  Then I made a note to myself, "self, when someone asks if you shit yourself, do not sarcastically reply 'yes'.  Word will get around".  

Some people will not eat a piece of candy in an individual wrapper if it hits the floor.  Just think about that.

Mark Cafiero believes that the amount of make up a girl wears has a direct relationship with the amount of effort required to make the relationship work.  The more make up, the more maintenance, and vice versa.  While there are exceptions to the rule, this is also something to think about.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."- Rodney Dangerfield.


Michael Jackson said the reason his albums don't sell anymore is because the music industry is racist and Sony did not and would not promote his album Invincible (invisible?).  Sony came out with their 6 guns blazing and said the reason his albums don't sell is because of years of accusations of pedophilia and wackiness.  That's harsh.  But don't me get wrong, I like Michael.  What gets me is how his family had the Jackson 5, and there were extra siblings to plug in when another one went down.  Like Randy.  My mom grew up with 8 siblings and they couldn't even put together a group of 3.  What the hell?  They could have at least tried.  Some big families have no initiative.

Rejoice, rejoice!  Ryan "lil boweezie" Bowen will resign with the Nuggets.  Tight.

QUOTE OF THE DAY-  Mark Cafiero made today's choice- "What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger."  The landlady in Kingpin.


I think most people know what beer goggles are.  They're when okay looking girls look really good after you drink 5 beers.  I don't know if women get them, someone (preferable a woman) should let me know.  Anyway, I don't get them, but my friend, who I will call Arnold Ryan, gets them.  (Names that have a first name for a last name are weird, that's why I made that one up.)  Instead, I am afflicted with what Ash has coined "ear goggles".  I go see bands a lot, and after about 5 beers bands that are okay sound really, really good.  I listen for awhile, one thing leads to another, I buy a cd, end up taking it up home with me.  Next thing I know I wake up the next morning feeling like I have no will power, feeling guilty, and having regrets.  The thing that really makes me feel bad is when I can't even remember the bands name. 

QUOTE IF THE DAY-  "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."- Dean Martin.


Co-worker Chris likes to live vicariously thru me because he is married.  Unfortunately, I don't cut the mustard for his voyeurism, therefore he tries to create action for me.  He always tries to set me up w/ chicks that I would usually need a six pack for, gives me amoral advice (married women?  c'mon man), and keeps an eye out for the 17 year olds at the gym.  He recently went on yahoo personals to find me a lady friend to make his life more exciting.  He picked out a couple young ladies and offered to pay the listing fee if I would contact them.  To do that I had to make my own ad so I made one real quick.  I believe in being painfully honest.  I can't link straight to the ad because of yahoo's validation, but here is the text:

Age 27  ~  Aquarius
Gender Man seeking a Woman
Location Denver, CO
Looking for... Just Dating · Friends
Marital Status Single
Ethnicity Caucasian (white)
Hair/Eyes Light brown hair, blue eyes
Body Type 6' 2'', average body
Education College Grad
Employment Works full-time, $35,000 to $49,999 income
Profession Computer-related / Hardware / Software
Religion Christian
Political Views Middle of the road
Smoking Never
Drinking Drinks everyday
Kids No kids
Interests Movies · Music · Sports
More about me:
I'm told that this is a good picture. I don't look very good in real life. Being witty and smart come naturally to me. These qualities are drowned out by my being a know it all, opinionated and argumentative. I am non-active and generally frown upon tasks and activities that require effort. Dancing is ok when I'm drunk, but not on the edge of the dance floor because people can see me. I am not suave in any way, use humor as a defense mechanism, always wear a hat, look like I'm 18, and I am clumsy with and generally afraid of girls. The same applies to women. I don't want to be hurt. Again. If that sounds ok, maybe we can get it on. Denver Nuggets fans get a higher priority.
In your family, who are you known as?   The know-it-all
What do you expect on a first date?   A handshake
What's your favorite season?   Fall
What would you want to have if you were stranded on a deserted island?   A piccolo
What do you tend to daydream about?   Lunch
What bothers you most?   Slow drivers
The coolest toy ever is...   Lego™
The perfect escape is a...   Weekend in Las Vegas
How do you feel about pets?   I have one/some

I got a response the first day and here is the text of her message:
Date:  Mon, 8 Jul 2002 13:07:05 -0700 (PDT)
From:  "smileylindsey72002"
To:  "djdavis18552000"
Subject:  Hey, great ad!!
Hey there,  how are you? I was looking through yahoo 
personals with a friend,  we are both single and 
trying to meet men online.  I won the coin toss and 
got to answer your personal,  my friend's name is Beth 
and you can't email her if she writes you too!  :o) 
She already has a guy she's talking to online and it's 
my turn.  We are kind of in a competition over who can 
meet someone online first. I hope you have AOL,  my 
screen name's funLindsey8967. Here are my pics- 

Lindsey xoxox

I thought, "hey, she likes losers, that's cool."  But then I clicked further in her ad and she is a porn troll.  Some dude named Harry probably replied to me.  I hope Chris starts paying for my porn, too.  Feel free to IM her and call her a slut.  Wait, maybe she's a slut with a heart of gold.  Nevermind.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."- Rodney Dangerfield.


At work we have a "convenience center".  It has vending machines, big fridges, an ice machine, and sinks.  Yet many people at work use the bathroom sinks to wash their dishes.  I have to ask, what's the point?  That's like washing your hands in a French arse fountain toilet (budae?). 

QUOTE OF THE DAY-"The full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the fringes."- JD Bernal.  I don't know who that is.


I was thinking that since George Lucas is doing the Star Wars Trilogy Prequels and Dune prequels are being done, that maybe Star Trek should catch up (or catch back?) and do a prequel.  Those Star Trek people will eat anything up and I have an original idea.  The story line should be set in the 1800's on a naval vessel keeping peace in the Atlantic.  The Spanish could be the Klingon's, the French could be the Romulan's, etc.  maybe the first cyborg could be a guy who loses a leg and gets a peg, or an eye that could be replaced by a compass.  That would be awesome and I would get residuals forever.  Schmucks.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs."
- Friedrich Nietzsche


Mark Kizzy says:

Aloha Amigos...

If you haven't guessed it by now, yes, I just got back from Hawaii.

I decided that I want to get a Hawaiian luau dancer-chick in the sack.
Not necessarily so I could brag to all my buddies about it (although that
would be pretty cool in itself), but mostly to see the tanlines.  You see,
these luau dancer chicks wear coconuts over their boobies instead of a
normal bikini top with triangles.  We are all so used to seeing boobies
with the white triangle un-tanned portion around the areola, that we don't
think twice about it.  Maybe we'd think, "nice tan!".  But imagine if the
white space were a perfect circle.  Then we'd be like... "what the
hell!?!?!" (that is... if we didn't know she was a hula dancer).  I would
proudly caress the white circles...  wouldn't you?

I just have never seen that before and I would like to.  Is that so much
to ask??

Here's a funny joke:

Q.  What kind of Bee's make milk?

A.  Boo Bees!  (Boobies)

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You've been lyin', when ya should have been truthin!"
Is that Aretha Franklin who wrote that song? ("These boots are made for

Contact Daniel James Davis, Esquire
|    Home    |    About Me    |    Spiels    |    Pictures    |    Trifecta's    |    Kitty Porn    |    Links    |    Band Names    |