My ex-boss Jackie
Please has invited me to her bachelorette party. No good can
come of this, therefore I will not be attending. The bad scenario's
range from holding hair while some chick pukes to being assumed as the gay
friend. The worst scenario's involve the male strippers. I
don't think there will be any greasy mullet men, but I can't be
sure. I have taken women to strip clubs and I have seen the way they
get the extra special lap dance and lots of attention from the
strippers. I can't take the chance that I would receive the same
from some bo-hunk. I may run for office someday.
Nuggets were 6-0 in the summer league. That's right, bitch.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We're going to have
the best-educated American people in the world."- Dan Quayle.
I seem to get tongue tied sometimes. The other
day I said "hampy cappers" instead of "happy
campers". Another time I was thinking of shoes and boots and I
said "shoots". I've decided to think of this as a
Speaking of shoes, Ash said women like
it when you comment on their clothes and use details. For instance,
his example was turning, "nice shoes" into, "nice patent
leather shoes." I didn't really get it at first and I told
all women "nice patent leather shoes" no matter what kind they
were wearing. Like I can pick out patent leather on the first
day. Anyway, we were at the bar and my friend Brooke's
boyfriend (his name escapes me so I will call him Dakota) tells me he
knows a girl walking our way and to try it. So I gave her the shoes
comment and she looked up really happy and said thanks. But it
turned out Dakota did not know her and tricked me. And I got no
play. So while women do seem to enjoy it, it has not been a deal
maker or breaker thus far.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "A misogynist is a man
who hates women as much as women hate each other."- HL Mencken
I was talking to my friend SAinsworth and we were reminiscing about the TV
movie "V", and the sequel "V: The Final Battle".
Victory! It was on in the early 80's and starred Marc Singer of
Beastmaster fame. Alien lizards that looked human came to earth and
acted all nice, but really they ate rats and stored grandma in the
mothership to eat later and wanted to steal our water. Some humans
fell under their influence and unknowingly helped them, while some aliens,
like Robert Englund of Nightmare On Elm Street fame knew right from wrong
and helped the denizens of Earth. Marc Singer was a cameraman for TV
and got the bastards on tape up to no good, and so began the war for our
very lives. The show had awesome special effects, like this one 16
year old girl who boned an alien and had a little lizard baby. Later
on she gassed her baby daddy. Kids shouldn't be having kids, but if
there is a mom and a dad, it is sad when they gas each other.
I think the makeup people got paid extra because the aliens looked human,
and then their face would peel away showing a lizard, which was
make-up over the real person. It was like those Russian wooden dolls
where there's about 12 of them, except only 3.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My mother didn't
breast feed me. She said she just liked me as a friend."- Rodney
shows his sensitive side:
A little poem for that-ass:
Hippies, by Mark Cafiero
Living in Boulder is a lot of fun,
The Trees, The Mountains, the Grass, The sun.
But one thing makes the whole place suck,
one look at these creatures will make you say "yuck!"
They get real mad when I eat a steak
or when cage-free chicken eggs I refuse to take.
They hate my Jeep cause it's made to destroy
and instead of milk, they prefer to drink soy.
The men have dirty beards and clothes never fits
The girls cant get jobs 'cause there's hair in their pits
Pamela Anderson would look better if she'd just grow some dreads
I wonder how many bugs you could find in their heads.
A VW van is what they call "kind"
but in their brain, there's nothing to find.
The world's fucked up, all sorts of big problems
but all they care about is whether or not you are eating organic
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My girlfriend said to
me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert'. I said, 'that's a big word
for a girl of nine'."- Emo Philips.
How do you respond when someone asks you if the
story about you shitting you pants are true? That is a load(ed)
question. I decided to play along and admit it, then 5 minutes later
disclose that it was not true. Then I made a note to myself,
"self, when someone asks if you shit yourself, do not sarcastically
reply 'yes'. Word will get around".
Some people will not eat a piece of candy in an individual wrapper if it
hits the floor. Just think about that.
Mark Cafiero believes that the
amount of make up a girl wears has a direct relationship with the amount
of effort required to make the relationship work. The more make up,
the more maintenance, and vice versa. While there are exceptions to
the rule, this is also something to think about.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My wife and I were
happy for twenty years. Then we met."- Rodney Dangerfield.
Michael Jackson said the reason his albums don't
sell anymore is because the music industry is racist and Sony did not and
would not promote his album Invincible (invisible?). Sony came out
with their 6 guns blazing and said the reason his albums don't sell is
because of years of accusations of pedophilia and wackiness. That's
harsh. But don't me get wrong, I like Michael. What gets me is
how his family had the Jackson 5, and there were extra siblings to plug in
when another one went down. Like Randy. My mom grew up with 8
siblings and they couldn't even put together a group of 3. What the
hell? They could have at least tried. Some big families have
Rejoice, rejoice! Ryan "lil
boweezie" Bowen will resign with the Nuggets. Tight.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- Mark
Cafiero made today's choice- "What is it about good sex that
makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose
tiger." The landlady in Kingpin.
I think most people know what beer goggles
are. They're when okay looking girls look really good after you
drink 5 beers. I don't know if women get them, someone (preferable a
woman) should let me know. Anyway, I don't get them, but my friend,
who I will call Arnold Ryan, gets them. (Names that have a first
name for a last name are weird, that's why I made that one up.)
Instead, I am afflicted with what Ash
has coined "ear goggles". I go see bands a lot, and after
about 5 beers bands that are okay sound really, really good. I
listen for awhile, one thing leads to another, I buy a cd, end up taking
it up home with me. Next thing I know I wake up the next morning
feeling like I have no will power, feeling guilty, and having
regrets. The thing that really makes me feel bad is when I can't
even remember the bands name.
QUOTE IF THE DAY- "I feel sorry
for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the
best they're going to feel all day."- Dean Martin.
likes to live vicariously thru me because he is married. Unfortunately,
I don't cut the mustard for his voyeurism, therefore he tries to create
action for me. He always tries to set me up w/ chicks that I would
usually need a six pack for, gives me amoral advice (married women?
c'mon man), and keeps an eye out for the 17 year olds at the gym. He
recently went on yahoo personals to find me a lady friend to make his life
more exciting. He picked out a couple young ladies and offered to
pay the listing fee if I would contact them. To do that I had to
make my own ad so I made one real quick. I believe in being
painfully honest. I can't link straight to the ad because of yahoo's
validation, but here is the text:
||27 ~ Aquarius
||Man seeking a Woman
||Just Dating · Friends
||Light brown hair, blue eyes
||6' 2'', average body
||Works full-time, $35,000 to
||Computer-related / Hardware /
||Middle of the road
||Movies · Music · Sports
|More about me:
I'm told that this is a good
picture. I don't look very good in real life.
Being witty and smart come naturally to me. These
qualities are drowned out by my being a know it all,
opinionated and argumentative. I am non-active and
generally frown upon tasks and activities that
require effort. Dancing is ok when I'm drunk, but
not on the edge of the dance floor because people
can see me. I am not suave in any way, use humor as
a defense mechanism, always wear a hat, look like
I'm 18, and I am clumsy with and generally afraid of
girls. The same applies to women. I don't want to be
hurt. Again. If that sounds ok, maybe we can get it
on. Denver Nuggets
fans get a higher priority.
|In your family,
who are you known as? The
What do you expect on a first date? A
What's your favorite season? Fall
What would you want to have if you were stranded
on a deserted island? A piccolo
What do you tend to daydream about? Lunch
What bothers you most? Slow
The coolest toy ever is... Lego™
The perfect escape is a... Weekend
in Las Vegas
How do you feel about pets? I
I got a response the first day and here is the text of her message:
||Mon, 8 Jul 2002 13:07:05 -0700 (PDT)
||Hey, great ad!!
Hey there, how are you? I was looking through yahoo
personals with a friend, we are both single and
trying to meet men online. I won the coin toss and
got to answer your personal, my friend's name is Beth
and you can't email her if she writes you too! :o)
She already has a guy she's talking to online and it's
my turn. We are kind of in a competition over who can
meet someone online first. I hope you have AOL, my
screen name's funLindsey8967. Here are my pics-
"hey, she likes losers, that's cool." But then I clicked
further in her ad and she is a porn troll. Some dude named Harry
probably replied to me. I hope Chris starts paying for my porn,
too. Feel free to IM her and call her a slut. Wait, maybe
she's a slut with a heart of gold. Nevermind.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If
it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life
at all."- Rodney Dangerfield.
At work we have a "convenience center".
It has vending machines, big fridges, an ice machine, and sinks. Yet
many people at work use the bathroom sinks to wash their dishes. I
have to ask, what's the point? That's like washing your hands in a
French arse fountain toilet (budae?).
QUOTE OF THE DAY-"The
full area of ignorance is not mapped. We are at present only exploring the
JD Bernal. I don't know
who that is.
I was thinking that since George Lucas is doing the
Star Wars Trilogy Prequels and Dune prequels are being done, that maybe
Star Trek should catch up (or catch back?) and do a prequel. Those
Star Trek people will eat anything up and I have an original idea.
The story line should be set in the 1800's on a naval vessel keeping peace
in the Atlantic. The Spanish could be the Klingon's, the French
could be the Romulan's, etc. maybe the first cyborg could be a guy
who loses a leg and gets a peg, or an eye that could be replaced by a
compass. That would be awesome and I would get residuals forever.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "When a woman becomes
a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs."-
If you haven't guessed it by now, yes, I just got back from Hawaii.
I decided that I want to get a Hawaiian luau dancer-chick in the sack.
Not necessarily so I could brag to all my buddies about it (although that
would be pretty cool in itself), but mostly to see the tanlines. You
these luau dancer chicks wear coconuts over their boobies instead of a
normal bikini top with triangles. We are all so used to seeing
with the white triangle un-tanned portion around the areola, that we don't
think twice about it. Maybe we'd think, "nice tan!".
But imagine if the
white space were a perfect circle. Then we'd be like... "what
hell!?!?!" (that is... if we didn't know she was a hula dancer).
proudly caress the white circles... wouldn't you?
I just have never seen that before and I would like to. Is that so
Here's a funny joke:
Q. What kind of Bee's make milk?
A. Boo Bees! (Boobies)
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You've been lyin', when ya should have been
Is that Aretha Franklin who wrote that song? ("These boots are made