-There is a fine line between clever and stupid
I told my co-workers how I hate cheese cake, all the runny cheese, strange round crackers and spicy green disks. They said I was talking about nachos. Whatever. I like nachos.
Last night I went to a quasi sports bar called Champs. Its kind of upscale I guess, they don't really serve bar food, but rather fancy pasta dishes and shit like that. Its not too fancy, but fancier than I like a sports bar. We get there and commence boozing and all of a sudden I hear loud singing. Before I can finish enunciating the "ck" in "what the fuck", I look up and some dude is singing karaoke. When did this become socially acceptable? This guy is singing "Brandy, what a fine girl" in all earnestness. He looked like a regular guy, not retarded or anything. Over the next hour and a half normal looking people took turns singing songs and most of them sounded like the original artist. So I have a theory. The guy who sang "Blaze of Glory" by Jon Bon Jovi and sounded just like him probably sings that same song every time he goes to karaoke, and practices that song at home. It's not like he peruses the song book and picks one. That's his song. So I think I'll go a few times and see who sings what, then I will go to karaoke and steal somebody's karaoke song leaving them without one. All day they will have been looking forward to singing their karaoke song only to have me surreptitiously belt it out before they can. Plus I'll sing it real good so they can't upstage me.
When nature calls, throw a gum wrapper on it.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The right to suffer is one of the joys of a free economy."- Howard Pyle, aide to President Eisenhower, commenting on unemployment.
Co-worker Romeo is going to sell his 1998 Mustang because he has a growing family. Very responsible. But he is going to replace it with a mini-van. I'm not sure whether it will be a Vanagon, an Odyssy or an Aerostar. Either way it will be a fucking mini-van. I have expressed my displeasure to no avail. Have you ever been run off the road by a stay at home mom with a ton of steel under her and a load of screaming kids? Me too. Since she can't control her home life she will control the road by cutting me off, not using blinkers and drag racing. I'm not sexist, men have mini-van issues also. Men who drive mini-vans are obviously emasculated and try to over compensate by becoming Mad Max Mini-Van Road Warriors. Have you ever seen a guy driving a mini-van with leather gloves on staring you down at a light because you are laughing at him? Me too. When I crush them off the line and speed ahead they probably think I am being mean, but really I am very scared of their instability and want to get away as soon as possible. "Please Romeo", I said, "get a station wagon or an SUV", but he said, "no" and laughed this really weird laugh.. Romeo assures me he and his wife will not be the typical raging lunatic mini-van driver's, and I have confidence in him as he is an upstanding individual. I pray he's right, but I think they all say that before winding down the dark path.
I put the sex in family section.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Sure it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.
I'm putting out my first solo CD this month. Here's my track list.
1. Wrumpsel Dumpsel Foo Man Choo
2. Bok Bok Chicken Bok Bok
3. Gurns Goose Fat
5. Los Broncos Esta Muy Bueno (W/ Linda Ronstadt)
7. You Deserve A Vagina On Your Face (Sort of a patriotic anthem. Think of a beer commercial.)
8. Pomeranian (From my rock opera of the same name.)
9. Wrump Games
10. What do I Want For Lunch Today
11. Satan's Soldiers March Thru The Valley
I can give lyrics to anyone who wants them, just email me.
Here's a couple of jokes I wrote:
Q: What do you call Jose Canseco's clone? (Baseball player)
A: Jose Cloneseco
Q: What do you call a silly Tony Siragusa? (Baltimore Ravens defensive tackle)
A: Tony Sillygoosa
HAHA. Those crack me up.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I don't know. They were wearing a paper bag over their head."- Yogi Berra after he had seen a streaker and was asked if the person was male or female.
I hate when people online or in email type LOL for Laugh Out Loud after something they wrote, it's really tacky. As if they just wrote something so damn funny they are sitting in a chair at the computer and laughing out loud. It's kind of like they are giving me a laugh track, so in case I didn't know they were being funny, I will know at that point so I can appropriately laugh out loud and give them props by typing LOL.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "This portion of 'Women on the Run' is brought to you by Phillips' Milk of Magnesia."- Harry Von Zell, radio announcer in the 1950's.
Today co-worker Matt said he knew a good Chinese restaurant. Do you think people in China say they know a really good American restaurant? I doubt it. Another weird thing is how McDonalds changes their menu when they go to other countries. In China, I think they serve a bunch of fish crap with seaweed. But Chinese restaurants in America don't do that. They don't serve things like Kung Pao Cheeseburgers. Chinese people are sooo ethnocentric. We should spy on them some more.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Facts are stupid things."- Ronald Reagan in a speech to the Republican Convention.
With all the fetish's out there, I am really surprised there is not a nose blowing fetish. Maybe a person would eat some jalapenos and get it running and then incorporate the snot into some sexual perversion. I mean, come on, there's grosser stuff than that.
Co-worker Ian says people who subscribe to the Christian Scientist religion (not the same as $cientology) don't use or seek medicine at all. So instead of a hospital, they go to a place to moan and wail because they are getting no medical attention. Can you imagine what happens when one of them gets better, just by chance? I bet their beliefs become so feverish and zealous that they can hardly stand it. That is something I want to witness someday.
My boss Johanna says that whenever I am blowing someone off or ignoring them, I say "Oh yeah?" as a kind of brush off. I think I say that anyway, but she is right in some cases. As she told me this her face changed, because she realized I give her the "oh yeah?" treatment sometimes and now she knows when I'm ignoring her. She also thinks its ok to make fun of people with disabilities. I thought my shirt in the Stanley Cup pictures (page 11) was maroon, but apparently it's forest green. So I guess I'm color blind. She makes fun of me to my face about it. Would she make fun of a guy in a wheelchair? The answer is yes.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "What a shame it is to lose one's mind, or to not have a mind at all. How true that is."- Dan Quayle.
Last night we went to a bar called Cool River. In walked Stephane Yelle, Dave Reid, Chris Dingman, Jon Klemm and Steve Reinprecht from the Colorado Avalanche, bringing with them the Stanley Cup. I quickly morphed into a teenage girl groupie and spent all night getting pictures w/ The Cup. I stroked it, hugged it, gently caressed it, and generally loved it. I almost felt guilty because I was all over it and Ray Bourque wouldn't touch it until he won it. But then I thought, it's not like I will play on a team, I probably will never legitimately win it. The key word is probably. There's pictures in the gallery, page 10 and 11.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."- Marion Berry, Mayor Washington, D.C.
I had a flat tire this morning. Frameo gave me his car so I wouldn't have to change the tire before work. Thanks Frameo. I went to McDonald's before work and guess what I saw. The car in front of me was full of high school boys and a rather large dildo was wedged purposely in the passenger side door window. It wasn't like one a woman might buy to actually masturbate with or a couple might use for foreplay, but one that was grotesquely large and veiny. It was just giving me a cycloptic glare. I wondered which one of them bought it and what it said about a group of boys parading it around. I know when I was in high school, I wanted nothing to do with large cocks. Maybe the sexual revolution has come around far enough for it to be acceptable and maybe I am old fashioned.
Today I noticed Co-worker Ian eating part of a ding dong that was on the floor. It was off his ding dong, it's not like he just saw it, but I still was disgusted and amazed. I called yucky and reminded him he goes barefoot in the area he got the food morsel from. He said, "so". Pressing further, I asked if he would then in turn suck his toe? He said, "sure". So I challenged him to suck his his toe, and sure as shit, he did. Boy was I embarrassed as he showed me up.
Yesterday, I was on my way to my parents house when my dad called. He explained a local sportscard shop was having some sort of contest and he and my brother were going there. I immediately changed course and met them there. Showing how quickly fortunes turn, within a half hour, I had crushed all competition and taken the tournament. I won a couple free boxes of cards. Along the way I defeated a 20 year old woman, a 9 year old girl, and a 16 year old boy. Knowing this may be the only time they could look into the eyes of a champion, my stare burned intently through each of their skulls as I soundly rendered their quest moot. They were cannon fodder for my card flipping skills. In my wake they laid one after the other. "The day is mine!", I cackled as the last victim succumbed to my superiority. Some looked at me weird, I think they were sore losers.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- From The Big Lebowski
Jesus Quintana (John Turturro)- Let me tell you something pendejo, you pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash your piece out on the lanes, I'll take it from you and stick it up your ass and pull the trigger 'till it goes click.
The Dude (Jeff Bridges)- Jesus.
Jesus Quintana- You said it man. Nobody fucks w/ Jesus.
My brother John told me about a good Conan O'Brien In the year 2000 skit. John is 9 years younger than me and will be a senior in high school. He is on summer vacation so he can stay up late. Anyway, the skit said- In the year 2000, 9 countries will get together and sign a treaty to become 1 big country. But after Canada and Peru sign, the other countries won't sign and say, "Enjoy your new country, CANAPU!" That is damn funny.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife."- Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to Allied Gulf War troops.
The office I work at has a cafeteria which is actually not too shabby. There is a pizza place that has an ambiguously aged pizza chick. No one knows how old she is, but they say she's buttery. I haven't seen her. Co-worker John says he wouldn't be surprised if she is 35, and he wouldn't be surprised if she is 18. Think of the logistics for this ambiguously aged person. What nightly regimen of skin tonics and facial masks can produce such a specimen? I'm going to have to check her out.
If you are ever mad at people who bug you, listen to Pink Floyd One Of My Turns on The Wall and scream along with the lyrics. You will feel better.
Amputations would be easy if there was a limb clipper like there is a fingernail clipper. Speaking of which, my boss Johanna hit the swap meet this morning to get her hair and her nails done. My Old Boss Jackie has been letting her down lately. Really showing off her "salon style". It might be for Ken Darling, her Man In Training, but I don't know. Jackie Please. (Think of Samuel L. Jackson saying that).
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Half this game is 90 percent mental."- Danny Ozark, former manager of the Philadelphia Phillies.
The Avalanche crushed the Devils for the 4th time in The Stanley Cup Finals. It was never in doubt as the Devils are a bunch of kindergarten babies. When the Devils won, it was because the Avs didn't play an A game. When the the Avs won it was because they played the way they should. Evidence- The Avs wins were a combined score of 15 to 2. The Avs did not fail to score in any game while the devils did not score twice and only once in game 7. The Avs gave the devils game 4 on a misplay. The Devils were lucky to go seven as they were outplayed throughout. But its not like New Jersey cares, their fans were gone by game 2 and their building was half empty most of the time. And Martin Brodeur's wife is yucky. And John Madden is a whiny little girl.
I finally saw Memento. It's pretty good. I want to have my friend Struck Edit it backwards. Then watch it forwards. That will be a treat.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I was not lying. I said things that later seemed to be untrue."- President Richard Nixon
Sometimes I think about where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. Then I realize how trivial and trite that is and decide to just fuck off for the day.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?"- CIA memo; introduced during the Westmoreland/CBS libel suit.
I am sad to report my little brother John took me on a date. We wanted to see a movie. I put forth Memento, which I heard was good. He said he wanted Angel Eyes because it looked like a good murder thriller movie. Having not seen the previews for Angel Eyes, I relented. Wouldn't you know it was a total chick flick that was 2 hours long. We didn't figure it out till an hour into it, due to some clever cinematography and editing by the director. At times it looked like someone might get murdered. But no one does. Plus its rated R and there is no gratuitous violence, no nudity, no nothing. Just the F word a few times. Remember when rated R guaranteed some nudity. Even PG 13 used to. What a waste, and John didn't even buy me dinner. Jennifer Lopez looked awful good though. But this reminds me-My brother was tricked by previews, many movies do this. I've told this to many people but I'll do it again. The worst movie for preview tricking is Jerry McGuire. The previews showed all this great football action. Nowhere was a hint of love story or a stupid ass 8 year kid who spouts stupid ass lines. "the human head is 8 pounds." Oh yeah? So is this sledgehammer that is crushing your skull. So I go see the movie and find out the football scenes in the preview were the only football scenes in the movie. I was tricked and I'm still pissed. Plus the movie sucks. It ruined Cuba Gooding, Jr. Likable before JMac, and intolerable since, I can't stand him. Its too bad, Boyz in the Hood is a great movie.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "People say I'm indecisive, but I don't know about that."-President George Herbert Walker Bush, President 1989
Co-worker Ian is a vegetarian, and we just found out one of his dietary staples may no longer be safe. You see, I just read about a lawsuit against McDonalds from a group of Hindu's. It seems McDonalds uses beef flavoring on their fries. I'm not sure, but I think you need beef to get beef flavoring. So Ian is mad. I don't think McDonalds is the only one. I think KFC flavors their chicken w/ beef, too. Bastards. Ian will wear meatcoats though, leather, fur, whatever.
Staying on the beef tip (no pun intended), morning sausage like Jimmy Dean smells so good. It would make a good musk scent by Mennen.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me."- George Bush in 1988 when aides accused of anti-Semitism resigned from his campaign.
I mentioned last month I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. I also took the CAPS (Career Ability Placement Survey) and the Strong Interest Inventory. They both told me I'd be good at Broadcasting (my degree) and Politics. So I have outlined my Political Platform I would run on:
Isolationist- I am sick of going to places like Vietnam, Somalia, Haiti, etc. and the people treat us like shit when we are trying to help. So screw them all. No more soldiers get dragged through the street. If we are going, we are bombing everybody, baby. No more of this half ass shit. Now its Macedonia. Those eastern block former Yugoslavia countries are fucked up.
Spend Spend Spend socially. I don't believe all people are afforded the same chance. I want to tax 50% of the income of the richest 1% of the population. It should be the entrance fee. You wanna be rich, you pay. I'd pay it.
The National Organization For Women, or NOW would be outlawed. While it should be an organization to promote the interests of all women, it is actually a bunch of whiners who make all women look bad. They hate me so fuck it.
Environment? What Environment? The world is my trash can. Lets pay for clean drinking water and such but I don't worry about Alaska or the rainforest. I'll be gone before it matters so screw it. The dinosaurs didn't recycle, see where it got them. Ian makes me recycle at work, but that's it.
I'm not for abortion, but I don't vote on it or bomb clinics. But the death penalty is good, just needs fixed. 10 years of appeals is lame. And only after every path is exhausted like DNA. Europeans think Americans are barbaric for the death penalty. Countries in Europe would never be involved in executing criminals, let alone policing dictators who bury innocent civilians in mass graves during ethnic uprisings, while asking us to fix it. (Back to being an isolationist).
Legalize Marijuana. It is ridiculous Alcohol and Tobacco is legal while dope is not. Wasted money on jails, court costs, prevention etc. I've never seen a dope rehab center. I've never heard of someone OD'ing on weed. I haven't known anyone to miss work because they got baked the night before. If given a choice, I'd pick a ride from a stoner over a drunk. I know dope heads are more well adjusted alcoholic's, that's for sure.
Barbara Streisand and Robin Williams get deported to Afghanistan.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing. It's not bombing, it's air support."- US Air Force Colonel David Opfer, complaining about media coverage during the Vietnam Conflict.
Contact Daniel James Davis, Esquire
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