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3/27/02

Cafiero says:

I have always had this theory that whistling can be contagious.  Just hear
me out for a sec, OK?

You see, I am the kind of guy that whistles on occasion.  Well, nothing
furiates me more than when I am whistling and then someone else decides to
try to whistle over mine.  I noticed this happening, about every time I
would try to whistle a little tune around other people. 

I was at Safeway the other day, strolling through the munchies aisle, and
I just started to whistle that tune from Outkast's new song - you know,
that catchy background music in the song, "Whole World"?  Anyway, I was
trying to whistle that in the munchies aisle and lo-and-behold, some
jackass in the next aisle heard me subconciously, I am convinced, and
began to whistle his own tune, then I forgot what I was whitsling and so
then I had to stop.  It's like trying to memorize a phone number or a pad
lock combo and some jackass has to shout out random numbers to throw you
off track.  It s very annoying.

It happened again yesterday when I was at home and I was in the kitchen,
whipping up some snacks and started to whistle another little tune and my
room mate who was in the living room started to whistle.  When I
confronted him, he did not even realize what he was doing.  I asked him to
be more mindful in the future and he was cool with that.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Listen up skinny's, this is a stick up."- Mark Cafiero.

3/21/01

I was parked in a spot by Applebee's today, there were empty spots all around, and some Ford Expedition parks right next to me a foot from my door.  It was totally in my lane at an angle and whoever it was must of been drunk.  But the fact that there were empty spaces all around me and they were right next to me pushed me over the edge.  I don't agree with scratching peoples cars, that's for wussies.  But I am not opposed to clearing my throat and lungs and depositing some fluid on their windshield.   This strategy is also good for people who use 2 spaces close to the establishment because their car is too awesome for 1 space, when they should just park far away where no one is.  It's not permanent, but it says, "Hey, man, you park like an asshole.  Please don't do that again, you big poop head".  

My friend Kirk Schuler (aka: Shoe, Worm, Stork, Big Perm, Shoe Daddy, Big Worm, Spooler, Kirkins) just got engaged.  Congratulations on the smack down.  

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."- Rita Rudner.

3/20/01

Here in Denver, we have another case of a guy running from the cops, engaging in a dangerous high speed chase, resisting arrest and putting others in harm's way, and when the cops finally surround him and are a little rough, the guy whines (this one got kicked in the nuts).  People who disagree with cops being rough with these criminals are nuts.  I'm not talking about the guy who gets beat for no reason, I'm talking about the guy caught on tape committing several crimes and then the tape gets the police treating them shabbily.  I think their behavior is a plea to get the shit kicked out of them and they get off easy with one kick to the nuts.  There is a simple corollary here:  If you don't want to be beaten by the police, don't engage them in illegal, dangerous and combative behavior.  I follow this rule, and you know what?  The police have never kicked me in the balls.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Get the thing straight once and for all.  The policeman isn't there to create disorder.  The policeman is there to preserve disorder."- Richard Daley, Mayor of Chicago.

3/18/02

Cafiero says:

Another spiel for that-ass:

Don't mean to brag or anything, but I bumped into a celebrity last week at
the magazine / snack shop at the L.A. Airport last Tuesday.  I have never
seen a celebrity before, so this was very exciting for me.  Let me tell
you how it happened:

So I was flipping through a Maxim Magazine in between flights in LA.  I
feel a bump from behind, then an "excuse me" as a girl was also looking
through mags in the same section (personally, I think she wanted to rub
her pelvis to my ass, which is OK with me).  I saw female hands grab a
"Stuff" magazine, which is unusual - not too many women read Stuff, so out
of curiosity, I just had to look up to see what this girl looked like...
I knew she must be hot... and of course she was, but she looked stunningly
familiar.

So I looks at her face and immediately, I think to myself, "Real World
Chicago... could that be the hot blonde chick with the big lips? (not the
freaky one with the kidney problems... the OTHER one who was in love with
the guy with the girlfriend at home)".  [oh yeah - if you are rolling your
eyes because I have seen a few of the Real World episodes - you are a
fool.  I bet you have seen the show too, and personally, I find it very
entertaining, so shove it, you God Damn hypocrite!]

Anyway, as I was thinking about it, she whips out her cell phone and
starts dialing up.  Then she says to whoever she called, "Hey, when is
Cara supposed to be in Stuff Magazine??  OK, bye".  Well, I didn't know
who Cara was, but I was impressed that she knows another chick who is
going to be in Stuff Magazine.  She also had that same raspy
deep-girl-voice that I recognized immediately.

So before I left, I tried to pick out some evidence that it was not just a
look-alike - I took note of her ring, on her right hand with two little
hearts and her backpack had her initials embroidered into it: KAE.  I did
not know her name...

So I got to my hotel room that night and tuned into the Real World (you
know - it was filmed a while ago - it is not live, so that still made
sense that I could have seen her in LA, not Chicago).  And sure enough,
her name is Kerry (KAE) and she had the ring on her finga'.  Oh and here's
the bonus finding of the evening.  The other girl, who sucked at the Life
Guard Training - the lazy but hot one who can't swim worth shit... well
her name is CARA.  So look for CARA in Stuff Magazine in the near future
(that's my educated guess, here).  When you see that, you will believe me,eh?

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give you every detail, as I am sure Dan's 
three readers are starving for this type of gossip.


Thanks Mark.  I sat behind former Nuggets player and coach Bill Hanzlik at a recent game. So you 
see, we've both seen celebrities lately.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I like children- fried."- W.C. Fields

3/11/02

I see no better way to find out if someone is your soulmate than to challenge them to a game of Life.  You can find out what their decision making is like, how many kids they'll have, how much money they'll make and what kind of place they'll live in.  When they don't measure up to you, don't be obvious, just walk out and don't call.  The same is true if you want to take over the world and want a partner.  You should play Risk.  Unfortunately, broaching the idea to play these games to prospects usually ends with them telling their friends how big of a dork you (me) are.  But they will be the ones who will be sorry when they marry a bigger loser than me.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Who's the goose.  Me."-  Police Clerk in Dude, Where's My car.

3/07/02

Imagine my surprise when I was surfing the net and I found this page.  Color me flattered.

Hieroglyphics is the picture language of the ancient Egyptians.  You have to say "ancient" so people don't think you mean the current Egyptians still use that crap.  But maybe we are wrong about it, maybe it wasn't just the way they wrote.  Maybe it was also the way they spoke.  Maybe they didn't just draw 2 chicks, a dog, the sun, a crow, a building and the king.  Maybe they actually said phrases like, "2 chicks, doghead, sun, crow, building, king" and it meant something.  More likely I am retarded.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit."- Enoch Powell, British Politician.
  
3/06/02

My friend Mark is also back:

Hey Dan - how 'bout a spiel?:

Yesterday I had another one of those moments, where I start observing
about something and wondering about it... Anyway, I was at King Soop's
where I noticed one of those little horsie rides. This little girl walked
up to it, dropped a penny into the thing and jumped on for a wild ride.
Two thoughts came to mind:

1. I would like to design one of those machines that looks innocent and
takes a penny, but to the rider's surprise bucks like a rodeo machine at
one of those cowboy bars. And the only thing different about the
appearance of it is a little strap with instructions: Please insert hand
under strap and drop a penny into the machine. It would go up and down,
kind of slow at first and around in circles and just get faster and
faster....

In my opinion, we would have a lot of tougher kids if we could put my
machines in every grocery store in the country.

2. I have always wanted to make a movement to try to get the government
to abandon the penny from the US currency... Well, if my machine makes it
into grocery stores... nevermind. I want the penny.

Thanks, Dan for giving me another guest spiel opportunity. That was
almost as refreshing as Ann Littleton in my patented "Stadium Seating".

Thanks Mark.  As always, well crafted.  But please, keep my fantasy women out of your fantasies.  Thanks.
 
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Anything that is too stupid to be said is sung."- Voltaire


3/05/02

I mention the Denver Nuggets every now and again, but in my personal life it has really become a problem.  With every defeat, bad trade (although I agree with the last one), public display of idiocy (Issel's tirade, players walk out, Mahmoud Abdul Rauf not standing for the national anthem) I become more and more fixated on the team.  I like all Denver teams, but I may be receiving a restraining order soon.  With every bobblehead I get, auction on ebay I win, article of clothing I purchase, autograph I obtain, I descend further down a macabre, spiraling, humiliating defeat laden pit of despair.  But in 2 years when the Nuggets are stupid dope fresh, the sun will be out and the birds will be singing and the bandwagoners will be jumping aboard saying, "I've always liked the nuggs, yo!"  And maybe then the nurse will stop coming with the meds.  

So anyway, I made a couple new Nuggs pages.  Feed my disease.

The Bowen Factor	My Favorite Nuggets Dancer
The Nuggets Dancers (How much of their love do I have?  ALL OF IT.)	Oldie but goodie- If I were a Denver Nugget

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Shit man, I hope the Nuggets are good soon.  Damn."- Me

3/01/02

Co-worker Matt wants to get in shape and has been asking people around the office about different workout regimens.  After biting my tongue, ( the suggestions were awful, things like crunches, running, eating well, etc.) I had to interject what was best for Matt.  The obvious solution is to cut down a tree and lug it around.  This coupled with running in waist deep snow and pullups/reverse pullups in a barn will do the trick.  I got some skeptical looks until the others realized that this was Rocky's training program in Rocky IV when he beat Drago.  And Drago was hopped up on steroids no less.  This training program worked so well for Rocky the Russians were applauding his efforts in the end.  

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The bible is action packed.  The Koran is action packed.  Even Buddha had a few moments of suspense in his life.  Yet, when we make action movies now, we are considered moneymaking machines with no esoteric worth."- Sylvester Stallone.