-There is a fine line between clever and stupid
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5/25/01
I called my boss Johanna a big dog today. I noticed she looked hurt so I clarified. I meant a dog like Beethoven. Cuddly, cute, furry and well liked. She still didn't look happy.
Today I learned about "Alien Hand" which apparently is a legitimate condition where people lose control of limbs. There was a show on The Learning Channel, and I heard of one lady who almost starved because her "Alien Hand" would stop her good hand from feeding her. Sounds kind of funny to me. It is very reminiscent of Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead (1 & 2) and Army Of Darkness. That lady should chop her hand off w/ a chainsaw, too. If you haven't seen those movies, leave now and go get them. Shop Smart, Shop S Mart.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The doctors x-rayed my head and found nothing."- baseball player Dizzy Dean
5/24/01
I am Locked On Target. Don't Ask.
I took a Myers-Briggs test for personality traits. I have taken it before but here are the latest results:
I am an ENTP which is Extrovert Intuition Thinking Perceiving. ENTP's are about 5 in 100. I am good at functional analysis, alert to what is apt to occur next and sensitive to possibilities. I am a fascinating conversationalist and follow complex verbalizations of others, I will use debate tactics even against people I am close to. A INFJ , Introversion Intuition Feeling Perceiving, is perfect for me because that type of person might rescue my soul from hell. That's what the result says anyway. In other words, I am a bad motherfucker.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Some guys are inwardly outgoing."- Ralph Kiner, Mets broadcaster.
5/22/01
For some reason, I cannot refuse to watch a Freddie Prinze, Jr movie. I know it has to do w/ the fact that I think he's hilarious in "The House of Yes". No other movie of his even comes close to being any good except "She's All That". That one will always hold a special place in my heart. I have always wanted to find an ugly untouched girl and make her beautiful, then hurt her real bad, then end up getting her in the end anyway. Co-worker Ian thinks my Freddie Prinze, Jr fascination is unhealthy. He publicly snubs his nose at Freddie. But he went and cut his hair just like him and I caught him reading my Teen People w/ Freddie on the cover. Sounds fishy.
Speaking of which, remember- There are other fish in the sea, but they all smell the same.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I looked at all the superstars. What is their different thing? Their hair.....I wanted to be a star. I said, 'I have to fix my hair.' "- Rob Pilatus, 1 half of Milli Vanilli, commenting on his over $700 hairdo.
5/19/01
Things not say to a woman at a bar: Is your father a thief? Then who stole the cottage cheese out of the store and put it in your thighs? (That will get you a slap, I know.)
Twice baked baked potato's are sooooo good. Why do we not have twice tatered tator tots. by themselves tator tots taste really good, and twice tatored tator tots would be that much better. We are missing out on an opportunity for extreme deliciousness in this regard. How do I twice tator a tator tot you ask. I can't tell you, it's like The Colonels secret recipe.
Think about this: go to Documents and Settings on your C Drive, go to your operating system and drag your Desktop folder onto your Desktop. MIND BLOWING!
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "And what is more, I agree with everything I have just said."- Piet Koornhoff, South African Foreign Minister, Ambassador to the United States.
5/16/01
I think America (and the world for the that matter) is ready for a new soft drink. I am sick of the same old sugary soft drinks replicating each other w/ new names and crazy colorful labels. So here is my idea. Hear me out. Question: Who doesn't like Au Jus? You know...the meat juice that comes with a French dip sandwich. All that meaty goodness in a bowl. I know I drink mine when I'm done. And there it is-Carbonated Au Jus. Hmmmmmm, I am licking my lips just thinking about it. It could come in a brown can, and the drink could be called Oh Juice! (get it-Au=Oh, Jus=Juice).. This could alleviate the meat connection for these who are not meat juice inclined.. And by the time people had it, the salty goodness would be too much for them to worry about the dead animal by-products, and they would drink and drink and drink. And salty stuff makes you more thirsty, so people would drink more and more. You may think they would drink something different to stop the vicious cycle, but no. They would crave more meat juice.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."- President Gerald Ford.
5/5/01
My boss Johanna is a really grievous person who is painted up like Jezebel.
I love survivor. (See my survivor application) I love the backstabbing, the hot chicks, the misery. I predict the correct loser every week. I should have a psychic hotline. But I'm already on too many hotlines as it is. I can't believe Colby "let" Tina win. I wanted him to win the whole time, but I should have known not to go for a Texan, they fuck it up every time. Don't mess with Texas, my ass. Colby got tricked by a Flight Attendant whose saline filled breasts seemed to grow larger and larger as her frame grew smaller and smaller. In the words of Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber, "Look at the funbags on that hosehound."
Brandon Rice (a guy at work) has a prehensile tail. He wishes it had fingers to grab passing ladies rearends and he would not have to look. "It's got a mind of it's own", he would exclaim. Plus he would have a back scratcher. But it's just a regular tail.
See the movie Chuck and Buck. Trust me.
I think a good Rock Opera in the vein of Tommy and The Wall would be
one called Pomeranian. The main song could be, "Back to the
Days of...........Pomeranian." I know Pomeranians are dogs, but
mine would be about horses in their heyday.
Ian Maxwell (co-worker) doesn't like the "Esquire" title on the
main page. He says its dumb. But its not. He
is. He is jealous because his working title is Ian Maxwell, Stupid
Head.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The gutless, no-good 100th Congress.....will write
off freedom in Nicaragua, throw them to the alligators, and hope the
alligators will eat someone else and eat us last and they can peel off a
slice of that salami and they will not bother us for now. Do not
rock the boat."- Senator Steve Symms (R-Idaho)
Contact Daniel James Davis, Esquire
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