Random Thoughts- 

Archive

11/30/01

I have been tossing around an idea for a buddy-comedy-action show lately.  It would be in the same mold as Lethal Weapon's Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Murtaugh (Danny Glover), with maybe a little Shaft thrown in.  It would follow two detectives from the Boogie Down Bronx, Detectives Studio Jackson and Prolific Jones.  These two would be from the streets, and while bashing neighborhood knuckleheads, they would add a little sensitivity because, you know, it's their hood too.  It would star the very underated Ol' Dirty Bastard as Studio Jackson and Michael Rappaport as Prolific Jones.  KRS1 would co-star as Ack Right, the neighborhood thug with a soft spot for the kids. Sure he sells the kids crystal meth, but he hosts holiday parties for them too, where he hands out coats.   Macauley Culkin would be Squealy Nettles, the neighborhood snitch, aka prison bitch. With this small ensemble cast I think I could a put on a show that would be bigger than Ice T's show, New York Undercover.   I would also have a mad police sergeant, a hooker and a wisecracking hot dog vendor named Mahmoud "Admiral" Ackbar.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I don't know karate, but I know ka-razy."- James Brown, The Payback.

11/29/01

I don't seem to have a nose hair problem except when I have a runny nose.  Apparently snot is natures hair gel, because it just pastes those little guys right outside the cave.  If I could somehow get some people to eat hot peppers and bottle their snot, I think the hippie market would really buy into my "all natural hair gel".   I could be rich and help the environment.  No need to test my hair gel on animals, it's snot.  No harmful chemicals to pollute the environment, it's snot.  Don't want flu snot though, it's green.  People would think, "I thought  it was a booger, but it's snot."

QUOTE OF THE DAY- From Ghostbusters, and I don't know why:

EGON- Vince, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for?

VINCE KLORTHO- Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you.

11/28/01

Afghanistan needs an image make-over.  Nobody likes it.  But everyone likes me.  It shall be renamed Afghanidan to increase it's likeability.  Let's face it, like David Hasselhoff, I am immensely popular internationally and my good name is exactly what those crazy fucks need.  They're so crazy that after fighting together for 10 years and finally ridding themselves of the soviets, they decided to then fight eachother, allowing the Pakistani based Taliban to take over.  That kind of shit won't happen in Afghanidan once Al Queda and the Taliban (el queso y la tortilla en espanol) leave.

Co-worker Ian says Jalalabad is just plain fun to say.  And you know what?  He's right, dadgummit.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If you can't beat'em, have them beaten."- Comedien George Carlin.

11/27/01

I've discovered the truth about leprechauns, a dark hidden secret.  We are all leprechauns, but the little ones are irregular leprechauns.  I remember the day I went to get my gold doubloons and they were all gone.  The irregular leprechauns took them and put them in a pot.  I had no idea.  

You know where I put apple cores?  In cider.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I'll moider da bum"- Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare.

11/26/01

Here a very angry spiel by a co-worker who is a veteran of the US military:

Danno,

Seeing the lack of creativity on your site lately I've come up with a "guest" spiel for ya.

Let's talk about Political Correctness better known as PC.

First off...FUCK PC!
It drives me fucking crazy.  Here's an example..... Blind people.  Lots of people these days call "them" visually impaired.  If you were visually impaired you'd wear glasses.  If you can't see at all you are FUCKING BLIND!  Also, what's this legally blind bullshit?  What's that all about?  Your glasses are so fucking thick that you are "legally blind"?  I call bull shit on that!  It's another attempt at good parking.  You know why?  They still drive!
Let's talk about this "ethnic" American crap.  Where were you born?  If it was anywhere in the United States you are an AMERICAN!! Who cares what the color of your skin is?  I don't!  Do you work hard?  Do you try to do the best you can?  Where you born in America?  What the hell?  I love the argument of the "native American".  Everyone equates this term with AMERICAN INDIANS.  If you were born in this country you are a "native American".  Duh!
Let's move on, I could go days on the PC crap and I don't think you'd post a sickeningly long spiel.

Let's talk about AMERICAN flags with "made in Taiwan" stickers on them.  Again, what the fuck?  You know when those folks are putting the flags on the little sticks they are probably cursing us for their 1 cent per flag wage.  Thank you NAFTA!  Let's make those flags here!  What do you say?  That's like having a Harley built in Japan.  It just ain't right.  By the way tell your buddy Mark that StUrGiS is spelled S.T.U.R.G.I.S. not S.T.E.R.G.E.S.    But as far as his sentiment to send 50,000 bikers over to Afghanistan, I say let's go!  I haven't gotten my aggressions out in a while and I'm ready. As soon as we are done there I say we motor into Baghdad and take out Saddam while we're at it.  Whacked out shits hate our life style.  Come live with me for a week and they'll be funding my cause!

Danno, keep up the cool site and thanks for letting me vent.  My beer's getting warm so I've got to go.

Here's your quote too.

"Can I play with madness?"  Iron Maiden.

Harley

P.S.   God bless America

11/25/01
 
How can a television show survive when every episode is the same?  Sex In The City does.  I have only seen it a few times, but every episode is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing some ridiculous outfit while she wonders if she will always be alone, whether she has a soul mate, Kim Cattrall bones somebody, the red head is pathetic and the other chick is scenery.  All shows have premises they stick to, but the plot changes in other shows.  For example, Bruce Banner always Hulks out, but at least he's in a different town with different people who make him angry and don't like him when he's angry.  But SITC never changes.  Maybe the show could introduce a little kid to liven it up, just like Family Ties and Growing Pains.  You know the writers are out of idea's when a new little kid suddenly appears.

Note to self: sports cards are not impressive to women.  Not even a John Elway rookie card.  

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I've been accused of vulgarity.  I say that's bullshit."- Mel Brooks.

11/24/01

I got stuck watching MTV's Making The Band marathon.  They make a boy band right before your obviously pathetic eyes.  They should do a show called Making The Baby instead.  That's a reality show I could watch.  Just think of the logistics.  I'm sure the crying and whining level of the baby would be the same as the boy band guys.  "I don't sing enough", "my solo got cut out of the song", "I don't want to be a back up singer".  Cry me a river.  The band is called O Town.  It should be called Blow Town.  

Do you know how parents explain threesomes to their kids?  They say, "when 2 men love a woman....", or vise versa.  I didn't know that either.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We actually made their children cry."-  Manito Lara of Boulder in the Denver Post, speaking of two little Nebraska Cornhuskers fans shown crying on TV as the Colorado Buffaloes cornholed the Cornhuskers, 62-36.

11/23/01

Is Krazy Glue really so crazy?  I mean, glue is supposed to stick good, but glue manufacturers call some glue krazy because it sticks more.  Instead of krazy, they should call it Awesome Glue, or Ultra Glue.  I say this because it would be crazier if the glue didn't stick at all, rather than stick even better. 

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "After the Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't that many parts for lions."- Bert Lahr. 

11/19/01

I went to 2 hip hop shows last week.  I saw Biz Markie, Talib Qweli (Black Star, Reflection Eternal) and De La Soul on The SpitKickers tour, and I saw the Cali Comm tour with Kut Master Kurt, Motion Man, Mix Master Mike, Rasco, Planet Asia, Pep Love, Souls Of Mischief and the Pharcyde, intermingled with some Hieroglyphics and Cali Agents songs.  Both concerts were pretty good.  Some people I know are afraid of rap shows, I guess because of the violence at these shows in the 80's.  And many I know are surprised to find out that most rap shows in Colorado are vastly honkified.  Some are not honkified, but I've never had a problem at show regardless of the crowd.  That is except when Jeru The Damaja got sliced by a hidden blade after elbowing African Sam in the head, but DJ Shadow spun an extra hour so it was ok.  But anyway, I think the rappers mock the mostly white audience because they know the white kids think its cool to be accepted and down with the rappers.  When the Goodie Mob tells a crowd at the Fox in Boulder that they (me) are the dopest the Goodie Mob has seen on tour, I am a bit incredulous.  And when the performer tells the crowd to do stuff that is dumb and crowd is happy to oblige, I think the performer is secretly laughing at them.

My roommate (sometimes) Schmitt  broke his finger playing football on Sunday.  Pay homage to this gridiron warrior if you know him with a double fisted finger salute just to say, "hey, all our fingers are with you and unbroken in your time of need.". He leaves it all out on the field, wears his heart on his sleeve and gives 110%.  I think everyone should give some back to him.  This means the people at "Merrill" need to be  representin' to the fullest.  Word up.  

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Go white boy, go white boy, go."- Vanilla Ice being pushed to dance by his dancers.

11/18/01

A poem written by Mark J. Cafiero

Some call it yuckee, Some call it absurd.
Please don't bash the delicacy with such an awful word.

I love to sit at the restaurant with pride
My love for this morsel is nothing to hide.

I sit and I wait, drinking a beer or two
Others will laugh and say I'm a foo.

But as time goes by, I know and I wish
that the cook in the back is preparing my favorite fish.

I can hear the sizzle and sniff the sweet smell
I patiently await for that special dinna' bell.

The others will snicker and roll their big eyes
But their denial of jealousy are bunches of lies.

Suddenly aloof, the waiter appears.
In my eyes, swells happy happy tears.

The giant platter sometime plates, sometimes bowls
is always filled with a smorgasbord of body and tentacles.

Before I chow, one thing must happen
but a squeeze and a half of a big juicy lemon.

The salt from my tears of joy and longing
allow me conserve the salt, restaurant belonging.

And when I am through, and pleasantly sick
Some gum or mints in my mouf I shall stick.

I lay in bed that wonderful night
and dream of the next taste bud delight.

Calamari.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "There are other fish in the sea, but they all smell the same."- Me, Dan Davis.

11/17/01

The Bare Naked Ladies should be called Bait And Switch.  Not only are there no ladies in any state of undress, but there are no ladies at all.  I guess its good marketing because if I didn't know better, I would probably go check it it out, just to, you know, see what all the hype is about.  But since I know better, I am saving my 3 readers from being ripped off.  They don't even sing about naked ladies. I hate them.

This weekend I scuba dived, went to the diamond mines of southern Africa, skydived, went to the jungle of Brazil, traversed the world in a hot air balloon and saved a dying planet from the swelterbug infestation .  How did I do all this you ask?  By using the magical world of reading of course.  Books!  Check'em out!

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I find myself on the planet Ogo, part of an intellectual elite, preparing to subjugate the barbarian hordes on Pluto.  But even though this is a totally convincing reality for me in everyway, nevertheless Ogo is actually a construct of my psyche.  I am mentally divergent, in that I am escaping unnamed realities that plague my life here.  When I stop going there, I will be well.  Are you also divergent, friend?"- L.J. Washington, the movie Twelve Monkeys.

11/09/01

Mark Cafiero says-

I would like to address a concern I have about a neglected, maybe even
unknown hygiene issue.  I am not sure if there is a name for it, but I call
it, "Nasty Ear".

Rather than describe it, I instead challenge you, one of Dan's 3 readers
to do the following:

Step 1- Free either of your hands, extend pointer finger (the first finger
from the thumb).
Step 2- Position finger behind your ear, right where the ear attaches to
your head, and at the bottom of the ear.
Step 3- Pressing firmly, rub finger up to the top of the ear, where the
ear meets your head. 
Step 4- Now do the same, but rubbing back to the bottom.
Step 5- Repeat step 3 and 4, three times.
Step 6- Smell the finger.

Smell nasty?  Not mine, because I really scrub back there each time I
shower.  If your finger smells nasty, I urge you to start scrubbing there
daily.  Nasty Ear is a serious hygiene issue.  I am going to invent "Nasty
Ear Scrub Pads" and the TV ad will show a girl, making out with a guy and
going to his ear, then when she smells his Nasty Ear, she gets mad and
puts her clothes back on and leaves angrily.  Then I will show the guy
crying.  Then I will show the guy using Cafiero's Crazy Nasty Ear Scrub
Pads, then I will show him in the sack with THREE naked chicks!

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "What he does on his own time is up to him."- Harlan Copeland, sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.

11/08/01

Someone told me that Michael Jackson's nose was prosthetic and it actually comes off.  I called bullshit, but this person said his nose fell off at the World Trade Center Benefit Concert (dubbed The World Trade Center Refund Show accidentally by a co-worker) and he covered his face with a towel to hide the presumably gaping hole.  This person also told me the surgical mask he sometimes wears is for the same reason.  If it is a prosthetic nose, why did he pick one that looks fake.  That's like getting a toupee made of actual shag carpet instead of hair.  It's not even trying to be real.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "During state of national emergency resulting from enemy attack, the essential functions of the Service will be as follows: (1) assessing, collecting, and recording taxes."- Internal Revenue Service handbook, 1976.

11/07/01

My company gave out American flags and pins today.  They have markings saying they were made in Taiwan.  That is the stupidest fucking thing I have seen in quite awhile.  It's like when you see a Honda Motorcycle with an American flag.  Duh.  You can't buy everything American, but I do when I can.  Co-wroker Matt likes the idea of our flag being made cheaply in Taiwan, so I have renamed him Kim Chi, my Taiwanese Trade Minister.  He argued very vigorously about it, and I respect his opinion.  Kim Chi's that is.

If the 4 major sports teams in Denver were like Voltron, they would morph into a super sports team named Bronuggelanchkies.

Here's an awesome joke I wrote for that ass-

Q:  What do the Flintstones and the Taliban have in common?

A:  When they look out their window, they see Bam Bam, Rubble.

Ahhhhhahahahaha.  That is a good one. Whew.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Why can't the Jews and Arabs just sit down together and settle this like good Christians?"- Arthur Balfour, British Prime Minister and Foreign Secretary.

11/06/01

The Gayders finally beat the Bronco's.  It must have been those extra spiky costumes the fans from the bay (San Fran and Oakland, if you get my drift)  brought to the parade...er, I mean stadium.

Ash iterates things.  And if you don't understand, he reiterates things.

Here's Cafiero-

A couple weeks ago I committed a terrible crime, and was busted by the
"eye in the sky". I hit a stoplight in it's "pink" phase, where it goes
just from Yellow to Red and three pictures fired off at me. The first one
of the front of my car, the second one at my pissed off face and the last
of me, right in the middle of the intersection. Oh yeah, I knew what was
going on... as soon as the first shot fired, I saw the flash and got all
pissed off, hence the look on my face in the close-up photo. 

In my previous spiel, I gave a shot of what the woman's face should look
like in the Stadium Seating position. For the guys face and how it should
look, this picture of me running the red light is a pretty good match.

This shizznit only happens to me. I wish I were lucky like Dan, who has a
sweet Grand Cherokee, or Ash and Craig, who have the ultimate, almost
identicle Soccer-Mom rides (Yukon & Tahoe). No cop feels like pulling over a
soccer-mom... they are way too responsible and chances of them having a
record that would support a ride to the pokey is minimal. A bad-ass Jeep
CX like my own however, say's "There's a wild and crazy bad-ass behind the
wheel... pull over!".



QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Man, life can get all up in your ass, baby you betta work it out."- De La Soul.

11/05/01

I am very much against the practice of wearing a cell phone on my waist, and I really think others should stop this as well.  It smacks of a blatant need for attention.  It says, "hey everybody, look at me!  I am important, people need to talk to me, and I want you to know it!"  (Notice the appropriate placement of exclamation points).  If the choice is between wearing pants so tight you must clip your cell phone to your belt, or wearing regular pants where you can fit your phone into the pockets, that just ain't no choice at all.  I suppose businessmen in suits or professionals are exempt, due to a professionalism aspect, but otherwise, guys just out and about wearing belt clipped cell phones look stupid.  But then again, I am snobby and elitist and think I know everything, and maybe I'm the stupid one.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Due to a typing error, Gov. Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson."- Fitchburg-Leominster (Mass.) Sentinel and Enterprise correction.

11/02/02

I hate exclamation points.  They are overused by people all the time when they should be reserved for special occasions.  I think this is a good rule of thumb:  If in conversation you would yell something, then put an exclamation point behind it in print.  If you aren't willing to yell it when talking to someone, don't use an exclamation point!  To often I see an email or a paragraph with an arbitrary exclamation point at the end just for the hell of it.  Much like antibiotics, the overuse of the exclamation point has rendered it less effective when we really need it. 

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "What was Watergate?  A little bugging!"- Richard Nixon.

11/01/01

I saw my bathroom buddy (10/25/01 spiel) yesterday on Halloween.  He wasn't wearing a costume, but I was still scared.

Ian has something to say-

So Dan thinks that I am disgusting because I ate some of my food that had dropped on the floor. Hasn't he ever heard of the ten second rule?  It is now time for me to call shenanigans.  I just saw Dan eat a sunflower seed that he had been sitting on for well over an hour.  If you have ever sat next to Dan for longer than five minutes, you know that he is a farter.  I know this because I sit next to him all day at work.  I am sure that Dan farted on this sunflower seed.  Then he ate it.  

(editors note- kids in Cambodia want that tainted sunflower seed, I couldn't waste it.)

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I have a great feeling for the soil.  My brother is the leading conservationalist in the world, and I just love sitting on my bulldozer and experiencing nature."- golfer Gary Player on his plans to build new golf courses in Florida.