Happy Halloween. The Nuggets are undefeated,
just as I thought they would be after 1 game.
I hate the saying, "he wants to have his cake and eat it
too." Why is this bad? Who the hell has cake and doesn't
eat it? When did it become selfish to want to eat your cake?
What the hell kind of logic is that? What else would you do with
it? I suppose you could stare at it, or rub it against your crotch
rhythmically, but everyone I know eats it and doesn't feel too bad about
it. Talk shows always have some dumb ass in the crowd that says that
phrase, and they are the ones who look like they are eating all the
cake. I could see if he wanted other peoples cake and wanted
to eat it, bit it's his cake, damn it. Whoever made that
saying up, and anyone who repeats it should get a fist, and have to eat
Co-worker john wants his ash's spread all over his mothers house so that
she will have to clean up after him.
Sometimes rigamortis sets in and out of corpses and that's why sometimes
corpses move. Also, sometimes the synapses in the brain keep firing
signals, and that's why corpses sometimes do math.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "In every country the Communists have taken over,
the first thing they do is outlaw cockfighting."- John Monks,
Oklahoma State Representative, arguing against a bill that would make
cockfighting illegal in the state.
Tonight the Denver Nuggets begin the quest for their
destined and certain NBA Championship. Have faith Nugget Lovers, for
I am the lamb, and I see "things".
My friend Cafiero
returns after a brief hiatus:
Just wanted to share a
special little something to all the love birds out
there. I have invented a great position for sweet, sweet, love
I think everyone should know about it. I call it, Stadium Seating.
diagram is close, but I accidentally drew the chick sitting upright.
needs to be on her back, that's why it's called Stadium Seating.
like the guy in the bleachers and the chick is on the playing field,
you know? Anyway, the first thing a guy will notice when he
this to the girl is the crazy look she gets on her face. It's almost
confused, "What's THAT? I am CONFUSED!" look. But at
the same time, it's
a "Ouch this feels great" look. I drew, what her face
should look like.
If it doesn't look like that, you are doing it wrong.
(View "Stadium Seating" Here.)
Hey Davis - here's a good one: Rancho Grande translates to "Big
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Making love is a mental illness that wastes time
and energy."- People Republic Of China, official Communist Party
With Halloween just around the corner, I've started
stealing candy from kids a little early. I don't want to be out of
practice. I hate the ones that cry, it makes me sad when I eat their
candy. They're just trying to ruin my night, and it's actually
When I go to see a music group, they are billed
concerts or shows. But some really pretentious groups or singers
have an "evening", and I hate that. The ad will say,
"An evening with so and so" blah blah. That says to me,
"A boring show with a shitty performer" and I run for the
hills. If it says a "special evening with" I know
its really gonna suck. It's like when Mad About You had "An
episode the family won't want to miss", or "On a very special
Mad About You....", you just knew it was gonna suck ass.
In english, "El Guapo" means "The Guapo".
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Only the little people pay taxes."- Leona
Helmsley, later indicted for non-payment of taxes.
Here's a joke I wrote:
Q. What do you call a
stinky Shabba Ranks? (Reggae guy)
A. Rank Shabba!
HAHAHA, it hurts.
In english, "El DeBarge" means "The DeBarge".
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Retraction: The "Greek Special" is a
huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in the
previous ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any
confusion Friday's ad may have caused."- a correction printed in The
I have a bathroom buddy at work. Despite your initial reaction, this
isn't a good thing, and its been going on for a couple of years.
This guy, who doesn't work on my floor mind you, is always in the bathroom
on my floor in front of the mirror. Sometimes he's checking himself out,
sometimes he's shaving, sometimes he's washing his hands. He only moves
towards a stall or urinal when everyone leaves. I can't be his only
bathroom buddy because of the volume of people that go in and out of
there. It is scary to me and it has become a problem. A
co-worker, I'll call him Chris, says there's a guy who goes to the
bathroom who prematurely removes his pee pee from his trousers right when
he walks thru the door, and that scares him.
Chuck Norris is one of the greatest actors of his generation.
Walker, Texas Ranger, rescuing POW's would be sweet to
see. Or Missing In Action IV, Walker, Texas Ranger featuring The
Delta Force would be good, too.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Beauty is love made real, and the spirit of love
is God. And the state of beauty, love and God is happiness. A
transcendent state of beauty, love and God is peace. Peace and love is a
state of beauty, love and God. One is an active state of happiness
and the other is a transcendent state. That's peace."- Imelda
Marcos, campaigning for her husband Fernando, President of the Philippines.
TJ Maxx, Marshall's and stores of that ilk sell name
brands for less. These stores get unsold stuff from other stores for
cheap and sell it. There should be another store that sells the
unsold stuff from TJ Maxx and Marshall's. The store could be called
Rory McSave's and the hook could be "We sell name brands for less for
less." I took flack from the chaps in school about my
Journalism degree, but I'm all about having a keen business sense.
If Ian was a Care Bear, he would have
the OM symbol on his belly. OM is the symbol
of the absolute. If I were a Care Bear I would have a six pack
of Budweiser on my belly. Budweiser is the symbol of stank beer
drinking drunkards. We would link arms and shoot our very powerful symbols
from our bellies at bad people who were mean. Our bellies would get
people absolutely drunk, yet enlightened.
If I was a GI Joe, I would be Heart Break, because I am so damn
handsome. Or I could be Dillusional, because I see what is not
there. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Did you know "Lardaceous" is a word? It means
"consisting of or resembling lard". What the hell
resembles lard? Anyway, I already know I'm going to have to keep
this word under lock and key. I wish I never would have seen it.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We found the "killing" term to
broad." -State Department spokesperson on why the word
"killing" was replaced with "unlawful or arbitrary
deprivation of life" in its human rights reports for 1984-85.
When guys are pissed at the bar, generally they
fight and look like jackass's, but women are different. The angry
woman at the bar engages the other woman in a delicate dance. This
dance includes sneering, talking trash in the bathroom, and cock
blocking. But most importantly, it includes the body check.
When 1 woman needs to get somewhere and the opposing woman is anywhere
near that area, the body check is administered. Like the graceful
Preying Mantis, the first one goes out of her way to walk behind the
second and shoulder her in the back, thus knocking her forward and
hopefully spilling her drink. Many times this leads to a frenzied denouement
of hair pulling and shirt ripping, a climax worthy of Sylvia Plath.
Speaking of which, this guy tried to start crap with me the other day. He
was like, "come on, punk, let's go." I was like,
"nany nany, boo boo." He took off and that was the end of
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "You can observe a lot by watching."- Yogi
My work is full of special interest groups for
people to join. Groups like HISPA, ABEL, WAVE and others cater to
specific groups of people. There is no group for me, as I am the
White Devil Cock Oppressor. That's ok. I may be a cracker, but
I'm the ritz, yo. Anyway, myself and some like minded White Devil
Cock Oppressors at work (and co-worker Matt who vehemently claims his
Hispanic heritage and is not white) have put forth an idea for a group for
all people. It will be called "MR" (like 'mister",
get it?). It stands for
Men Rule. All Men and Women can join, there will be no
discrimination based on Race, Gender, Sexual Orientation, etc. This
group will prove that men, in fact, do rule by allowing any and everyone
to join. Some feminists may put forth the reasoning that the
world is so messed up because of men ruling.
That would be all semantics and word play my dear feminists, and you too are
welcome in MR.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We need laws that protect everyone. Men and
women, straights and gays, regardless of sexual perversion...ah,
persuasion."- Bella Abzug, female activist.
I've been doing some nude modeling lately. I've been getting some
Snickers. I like it like that. Snickers pack more nuts, for
more satisfaction. I love'em, even enough to do nude
Coke is coming out with a new product. It is
coke with lemon. I can already see people's faces puckering due to
the tartness of said fruit. I never thought I'd say this, but I
better be more careful from now on, because if lemon coke gets in your
eye, I bet it stings. I hope they don't put seeds in it. Although it
would lend to the authenticity, people could choke. Lemonheads candy
should add liquid coke middles, just to even the playing field a little
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Correctly English In 100 Days."- Title from
an East Asian book for beginning English speakers.
I can see why there is no food in the middle
east. All they do is protest in the street, stone women for showing
some nose and burn flags. How about getting a job? Would it
hurt to go to work 5 times a week. Let's spend some time in the
field, guys. This isn't to say I think they are all lazy. I
believe the vast majority of people in the middle east desperately try to
make ends meet and feed their family and live good lives. But I
think the religious zealots are actually just lazy. They don't want
to work so they protest and yell crap and then try to eat off someone
else's coin. Some peeps in Pakistan want a national strike to
protest our bombing? Shit, I thought that was par for the course,
they do that everyday anyway.
Check out the asshole below. Oh, the irony! I guess when your
mind state, intelligence and technology are thousands of years behind the
rest of the world, even something as simple as commanding fire can become
a daunting task. He should be thinking, "Hey, maybe we
shouldn't light anything on fire when everyone here is wearing loose
sheets." But he's probably thinking, "The Great Satan now
has flammable flag bombs! Curse them! Stone the
women!" My sources tell me that later on this jackass had
trouble using a wheel. By the way, this could be the first sighting
of the fashionable new "Arabian Mullet".
Once again, don't these people have jobs? Besides being circus
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The United States has much to offer the third
world war."- Ronald Reagan in a speech, on what the United
States had to offer the third world. He repeated this error nine
times in the same speech.
In Las Vegas, Schmaatt
handed a porn guy some porn. If you have never been there, let me
explain. When you walk the strip, guys and gals try to hand you porn
brochures. If you show any sign of weakness (ie. looking at them),
you are inundated with it. I saw 1 guy grab 1 brochure and the porn
people were like vultures, swooping in and filling his arms with
porn. You have to look straight ahead or you are screwed (no pun
intended). So Schmaatt sees what looks like a dollar bill, but
instead of the president in the middle, it was some girl showing her
boobies. The next porn guy we saw, Schmaatt walked up to him and
handed him the porn dollar. Schmaatt out-porned the porn hander-outer.
The guy was mad at first, but after being ignored all day he was happy for
the attention. (Can you imagine being ignored while giving out free
porn? Me neither, but it happens on the strip.)
Here's some love from Cafiero,
my man in Boulder, the town that invented the snobby elite upper crust of
the Hippie class. Cafiero says:
As Dan would say, "another long-ass spiel by Mark Cafiero"...
Dan - you better be careful. With that kind of attitude, you just
lose your most dedicated spiel writer. I do this shit for free and
complain, don't you forget about that!
Plus, I have ADD, so I start writing a spiel and my ADD infested mind
starts thinking about all sorts of random shit, so I have to just keep
writing. It's a disability, Dan. Not something you should bust
on! (Note from Dan-
Only my ex-boss Johanna can make fun of people with disabilities. She
I think I pissed off a chick in Aspen the other weekend. I was
and she was talking about her dog and how she always finds it eating cat
food out of the bag. I told her I am guilty of the same sin.
is irresistible, and the worst part about it is that it spends but a
second on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, which is no good for a guy
like me who is trying to watch his figure". I said. No
response, just a
blank stare from the woman I've never met before. I kept walking.
5 minutes later I walked by the same chick. This time she was
about how it seems like her dog has developed personality traits from her
and her husband. I could not believe the ho was still talking about
dog, not to mention stupid shit like her dog developing her personality
traits. I stopped again and told her I was raised by snakes.
laughed, but she got mad, and was like, "Who IS this guy?!?" and
off all mad. This girl told me that I must have offended her.
HOPE THIS SPIEL ISN'T TO LONG FOR YOU DAN!!! Ciao, paisano. MC
I think that was good Mark, although I had trouble paying attention.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Hijackers should be given a rapid trial...with due
process of law at the airport, then hanged."- Edward Davis, Police
Chief of Los Angeles in 1973.
Tomorrow I leave for Las Vegas. To celebrate
the Taliban being bombed, I will go get bombed for 3 days. Osama
Been Hidin' said Americans north, south, east and west were scared.
Whatever, Schmaatt and I are going on vacation while he gets his ass
handed him. He kills innocent men and women and hides. That
gets no respect in the 'hood. So anyway, no Spiels for a few
days. All 3 of you reading are disappointed, I'm sure. But
here's another long ass Spiel by my friend Mark:
Three Things that get Mark Cafiero
1. Public baff-rooms. I bet it's like heavan to crap in a
restroom. Guy's public baff-rooms always have piss on the seat, so
one of the first challenges a guy runs into. And you think a little
toilet paper wiped on the seat is going to make it clean? No.
to pretty much bring rubber gloves and some comet, if you are expecting to
sit on the seat with no protection. And so you either hover over the
zone, or you put about 9 layers of twallette paper on the seat. The
urinal is just as bad too, because it gets pretty splashy in there.
usually try to distract myself by pretending I am at water world, or by
trying to piss longer than the other guy. At the American Beer
(my top three: Pumpklin Ale, Vanilla Porter, and some crazy Tripelbock), I
went to take a piss and the guy next to me was pissing before I came in
and after I zipped up and left. I felt like such a girl. :(
2. Living in Boulder: The hippies are out to get me. I
went to Dots
Diner, for the first time for breakfast (sucked) and basically it's run by
a bunch of hippies. Their clientele is identical. Anyway, I
there on a Sunday morning with my room mate and some of his hippie
friends. We were getting along just fine until I declined an offer
$.40 extra to have "Cage-Free Chicken Eggs". I told the
wiatress that I
would pay the extra $.40 if it would come with a T-shirt that says,
the Cocks". So I said "no" to the offer and next
thing you know, this
hippie chick I've never even met before is giving me an earfull about how
inhumane it is to cage chickens. I asked her why she is so concerned
about whether or not chickens are "happy" when there is major
on in the world.
3. Taliban. But then again, I can't help but to think,
taliban, tali me ba na-na". Actually I think that's a pretty
for a terrorist collaboration. Surely they never heard that goofy
featured in Beetle Juice, or they would have named it something else.
Speaking of names, I think we need a better name for our military action.
I like, "Operation Afgani-Blast". Guess that's not very
"PC" and kind of
childish... but BAD-ASS!
I say, once we are done taking care of biddness out there in Afgani, we
need to make sure we have STURGES 2002, Afganistan. I want to see
thousands of bearded, tatooed, leather geared, fat-ho-in-tha-back biker
dudes cruising the streets with American flags flapping from their Harley
Davidson bikes, engines rumbling through the country. That would be
The Detroit Red Wings signed Butt Hull, who used to
play for the Dallas Brown Stars.
I am adding "Hey Mr. Taliban" to my newest cd.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The President doesn't want
any yes-men and yes-women around him. When he says no, we all say
no."- Elizabeth Dole, then assistant for public liaison to President
I will be releasing my 2nd CD soon, titled, "I
Put The Sex In Family Section". (My first CD is under the june
24th Spiel). Here's the new track list:
1. Le Tigre, Izod, Nyet Polo
2. I want a DVD player
3. Hoya Hoya Hoya
4. Kung Pao Dead Animal
5. Elements Of I
6. Lost In E-Moo-Shoo-Chicken
7. Lovin' An Alligator
8. 1 Plus 1 Makes 2
9. Penis Face The Turtle
10. It's Raining Dan (Hallelujah)
11. I did It All For The Wookie (Han Solo's Requiem)
12. Funklestiltskin, Let Down Your Funk
13. Hey Mr. Taliban
again, lyrics are available to those who ask.
Co-worker Ian thinks the US and Britain should send
in Cowmandos to Afghanistan. These specially trained cow commandos
could infiltrate and do the dirty work. Good idea, Ian.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the
grave."- ad slogan 'Pepsi Comes Alive' as initially translated into
I watched Three's Company the other night and I have
to tell you, I am getting on the Nick At Nite bandwagon. I saw that
and Diff'rent Strokes. I really wanted to see the Diff'rent Strokes
where Arnold and Dudley are kidnapped by the Comic Shop guy and shown porn
and Dudley gets some from the pederass. Or the one with Mr. T.
That one rules. But I realized that my friend Ryan
(shown on the left here with Frame) is Larry Dallas from Three's
Company. Although Arnold has a girlfriend now, he used to kind
of act like the swingin' chesthair showin' single guy that gets racked by
women that Larry is. I bet Arnold would do well at the Regal Beagle.
The terrorists who crashed our planes thought 50
virgins would be waiting for each of them when they arrived at Islam's
version of heaven. Imagine their surprise when they arrived to find
50 goat beasts wearing spiked cock rings.
When will high-five become a verb? After new words or phrases come
about they are added to the language, like the word "ain't".
High-five is obviously a verb. To High-five. I'll use it for
you, "After American and British forces bombed the satanic ass-monger
Osama Bin Laden (translated as 'one who blows goats and is crazy') and the
Taliban (translated as 'a group of people who enjoy using long beards as
ass wipe while tossing salad'), they began high-fiving each other."
Speaking of the British, I love girls with British accents. Nothing
is better. They can even have jacked teeth, I don't care. I
was in my friend Derek's wedding last year and his bride Dean is from the
UK. Her cousin was buttery and the accent was better.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If Jesus were on the field, he'd be pitching
inside and breaking up double plays. He'd be high-fiving the other
guys."- Tim Burke, Montreal Expos Pitcher.
TV's Blooper's and Practical Jokes was a total sham,
and we all watched. These jokes weren't practical, they were
elaborate and dare I say, impractical. They involved TV and Movie
stars and sets with camera's. The ruses could not be performed by
anyone other than a TV Show. I know this because I once tried to
trick David Haselhoff into thinking that his house was accidently
sold. He just got pissed and kicked me off the lot. Yeah NBC,
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "In a way, we're a kind of Peace Corps."-
training director of the Fort Bragg Green Beret Center in 1969.
Here's my friend Mark.
The views expressed by Mark are in no way indicative of my views.
Sometime I wish I were Chinee. I can get Chinee sport car and lowa' to
ground. I get big muffla and make sure it make roud noise! I put Chinee
sticka all ova. Everyone will know I Chinee when they see sticka'. Of
course, if I Chinee, I probabree very short. Dat why Chinee no drive big
truck. Dat ok, because I study Asian martial art and kick ass to anyone
who raff at my size. Everyone will rearn to be scare of me.
You tink I racist because I want be Chinee? You tink I racist because I
try tok like Chinee? If you tink I racist, you foo, my brudda! I try act
Chinee cause I like Chinee culture and ranguage. I rike to date Chinee
lova'. If I so racist, why I date Chinee lova? I can even orda' beer in
Quin' Dow Pee-Jew? Dat mean, "Can I orda' beer?" "Shi-Shi " (Thank You)
Schmatt know Chinee. He go to China and pray wit monkey. He learn much
Chinee language. You tink Schmatt racisit? NO - he rike me - he ruv
Chinee peopo'. I been to China. I get arong wit Chinee people.
I rike Chinee food! I go to Chinee buffet in Correge wit good fren, Craig
Merges, and udda good Fren, Matt
Struck. Howreva', I am too big to be
Chinee. I am really Itarian. It very hahd fo Itarian to act rike Chinee.
Itarian mostry greasy round-eye who rike to wear chain. Itarian onry eat
spaghetti noodo' and alray say, "Fugghettaboutit". Chinee raff much at
Itarian. They no have smaht brain rike Chinee have. Chinee natrually
gifted wit many brain cell and wisdom. Chinee wise. Itarian not smaht at
all. Maybe dat why I rike Chinee so much. Maybe I jealous of Chinee
wisdom. I am onry an Itarian round-eye, with no smaht brain.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that
it is a surprise and it is only a surprise to the extent we
anticipated".- James Baker, Secretary of State, discussing
administration reaction to the Kohl/Gorbachev reunification agreement.
For the sake of humanity, I will be performing a
very important experiment this weekend. I am going to swallow 3
Immodium AD Anti-diarrheal tablets and a Chocolate Ex-Lax Bar. I
want to see what wins out, and something has gotta give. This is a
humanitarian issue because there is always that poor asshole who gets
tricked into eating the Ex-Lax in it's pure form or in a brownie. If
the Immodium AD works, I could make emergency packs of it like those
little Kleenex packs or Shout Stain Remover for people to carry
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "[Personhole] is not an
appropriate de-sexed word."- Shirley Dean, councilperson from the
Berkeley, California, City Council. explaining why the Council changed the
wording in a sewer equipment request back to manhole cover.
When my father is angry, he has a formula on
expressing his displeasure with the other person. The formula has 3
distinct parts and they are, "How would you like me to shove" +
any noun + "up your ass?" So for instance, if my father is
at a bakery and someone angers him, the formulaic response may be,
"How would you like me to shove" + "this loaf of
bread" + "up your ass?" It can be any noun- a person,
place or thing. So it could be a truck, a lady, a hammer,
anything. I think the formula works best when the noun is
unusual. This has done well for him over the years and that's why he
has stuck with it. He has been getting the desired results, and if
it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "How would you like me to shove that steering wheel
up your ass?"- My Dad.
My friend Mark
gives us Speil
Things that piss off Mark Cafiero:
1. When I am trying to take a shit and the phone rings. I work
you see, so it could be my boss. If I don't answer, he will think I
slacking off! I have to run out to my office with my pants at my
and hope that the mail man is not outside my window! THen I answer,
a fucking tele-marketer! But I know the one time I don't get up, it
be my boss. Just my luck, maing!
2. Flying. No, I am not scared of terrorists. I just
know that air
travel is a big trick on Mark. I know that the world is NOT so big
you need an AIRPLANE to get around. I know that when we get above
clouds, the plane just starts flying in circles and there are people below
the ground changing the scenery... just like the set of a play... take
down the mountains, set up a cute little beach, turn up the heat a little.
Then we go down below the clouds, hours later and hey, looks like we are
in "California"! Yeah right! Nice try jackasses, I
know we are landing
right where we took off. And to think everyone on the plane are all
actors and actresses in on it. NICE TRY!
3. "LOL". This girl I work with writes "LOL"
in her email. "LOL" stands
for, "HEY I ROT IN CHAT ROOMS". I hate "LOL"
4. Theft. I am still ticked off about the time I got all my
stolen at Dud's N Suds. Five loads of clothes, in the shit of
had no pants to wear. Also, I had the box spring to my Queen-Sized
stolen. Long story, but it was like 3 years before I got a new one.
That's 3 years of sleeping on a mattress, on wooden boards, on cinder
blocks. Not cool at all.
5. The fact that when I can only think of 4 things that piss off
Cafiero, I feel strangely obligated to spit out five.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "It was a mistake. It
shows a lack of politeness to kill people when the pope asks us not
to."- Guatemalan government official on the execution of political
prisoners just before the Pope's visit.