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9/25/02

Since his dirty spiel on tanlines was rejected, Cafiero wrote us a poem about some of his friends:

Some Sigs by Mark Cafiero

Tall and lenky, he's got a big smile
Crazy fella I haven't seen in a while

Once he had a Cherokee, that got in a big crash
This sig I talk about, his name is Ash.

His buddy is less tall, but just as rich.
Dated a Hooter Girl who made my tent pitch.

When something goes wrong, there's only one man to blame...
Give it up, for my main man, Craig Frame.

Next a little shorter, but could pass as my bro
His signature Disco outfit came complete with a fro.

Won't think before he speaks - that's pretty bold
But he's allowed, 'cause he's Ryan Arnold

Another guy, real smart and clever
Will probably be making movies forever and ever

Got a house, job and a nice girl - has lots of good luck
A funny guy with his shit together, I give you Matt Struck.

This next fella you all know very  well
Has a funny web site, people like it, I can tell.

Tall, thin, with a double chin, who could it be?
All props in tha house go to my man, Danny-D.

Now here's a guy who loves chili dogs
When he's done, will spend 13 hours sawing some logs

Loves the Simpsons, and South park, too
Karl Geib is the man who ya can't call a foo.

Some Sigs, by Mark Cafiero

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "There's a thing called a barf cannon? And why don't fraternities have them?"- Conan O'Brien.

9/23/02

Cafiero sent me a spiel, and needless to say it was inappropriate for a family oriented site like this.  It had to do with naturally dark women and he questioned whether they tanned darker than they naturally were.  Attached to this question was a picture of 2 naturally dark naked women with tan lines.  I promptly discarded the email after saving the picture to my hard drive.  It was obscene and disgusting.

I just finished reading the Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and just started the 3rd book in the Dune prequels.  I have just now realized I am a sci-fi dork.   Some people may say, "we knew you were a dork, we could have told you that".  But sometimes you are the last to know, and I only found out when I tripped some peyote and went on a trip of self discovery the American Indians call a "vision quest".  But honestly, the funniest conversation I ever heard took place a couple of weeks ago at work when the Civil War re-enactor and the Sci-fi fans argued over who were the bigger nerds.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

9/17/02

Public Enemy is coming in concert and I am excited.  My friend Phil Ferreira once described them as "that group that hates white people".  I had to break it to Phil that it wasn't white people, just him.  But Phil also believes Rush Limbaugh is a whiny liberal so you can see where he is coming from.  I digress.  Many of my Ritz Cracka friends will be going and we really cannot wait to kick it and be down.  Stupid Dope Fresh.

I think my new years resolution will be to learn how to juggle.  Its something that I have started many times and have not had the strength of character to see through.  I'll stand there and maybe get through 5 items when I will inevitably drop one.  Then I have to bend over and pick it up, thus causing stress on my lower back.  After doing this a couple times I am a hurtin' unit.  Maybe if I can get someone to be my picker-upper I would be more resolute, kind of like a spotter in weight lifting (those weights are heavy.).  I could just make the new years resolution to stop trying and failing to learn how to juggle, but the chicks dig it.

QUOTE OF THE DAY-	"The enemy could be their friend, gaurdian I'm not a hooligan I rock the party and clear all the madness I'm not a racist preach and teach to all 'cause some they never had this."- Public Enemy, Don't Believe The Hype.

9/11/02

All honor to their names… 

Don Adams, Fairleigh Dickinson 1995 
Terence Adderley, Vanderbilt 2001 
Kevin Cleary, Wisconsin–Madison 1985 
Keith Coleman, Bucknell 1990 
John Hart, Wisconsin 1983 
Aram Iskenderian, Rochester 1982 
Glenn D. Kirwin, Virginia 1982 
Stephen LaMantia, Roanoke 1985 
Todd Pelino, Colgate 1989 
David Retik, Colgate 1990 

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Sure I wave the American flag. Do you know a better flag to wave? Sure I love my country with all her faults. I'm not ashamed of that, never have been, never will be."- John Wayne.

9/10/02

Cafiero tells us things:

I hate grouchy people.  I was running a local trail the other day with my
training partner, Barley (I call him Barney).  He's the funniest, nicest
golden retriever in the world.  He always goes out too hard though and
gets burned out before we summit.  The fool.  I try to tell him, but he
never listens.

Anyway, Barney ran ahead as usual, and then I eventually caught up to him.
He was walking behind a nice looking woman... then the woman snaps at me,
"you need to control your dog! blah blah blah".  I called Barney away from
her and said "sorry" to make her happy.  She responded by saying, "LEASH
L:AW!".  I told her to relax.  You never tell women to relax.  It doesn't
work.  In fact it does the opposite.  Now she's yelling all sorts of jibba
jabba at me as I run ahead of her.  I yelled back, "You are hurting my
ears!".  She then yelled even more.  Poor Barney.  He wasn't doing
anything wrong.

I saw the woman again as I was running back down.  I thought she was going
to yell some more.  To my surprise she stopped me and apologized.  Said
she was just "having a bad day".  She was almost crying!  I wasn't going
to fall for her fake sympathy.  I told her to shove it, then I kicked dirt
on her and started running again.  Haha just kidding.  Bless her little
heart, it's nice when grumpy people can realize that grumpiness does no
good.  Maybe there's hope for her.

I am sure all of Dan's three readers are dying to know how my Pike's Peak
Marathon went (haha right).  I ran that bitch and it hurt... a lot.
Here's a picture of me at the turnaround point.  I happily stopped running
for the photo shoot!  It was about 14,110 feet and I had just run 13
miles.  Took me 4 hours, which is supposedly equal to what I would do in a
flatland marathon, PLUS 30 minutes!  I still had 13 (painful) miles to go.
All my non-runner friends told me the descent should be a piece of cake.
I want to slap them when they say that.  It was by far more painful than
the Ascent.  The fools!  Makes me MAD.   It was fun to see people puking
their guts out after tree line, and some fools ran out of control on the
descent and took big spills.  Many were removed from the course.  So I
guess I was just glad to finish.   I wore gloves because I was so sure I'd
fall going down.

The massage therapist at the finish line accepted my request for an erotic
massage.  The other runners and their families were staring.  They were so
jealous!



Here is the route Cafiero ran.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Arnie [Palmer], usually a great putter, seems to be hyaving trouble with his long putt.  However he has no trouble dropping his shorts."- Golf Broadcaster on air during a tournament. 

9/09/02

Notice there are no club songs that get men to rush the dance floor?  With women, if the floor is empty, the DJ can pick from any number of songs to get the chicks going.  For instance, We Are Family, Summer Lovin', are just a couple of the jams that will make the girls stop talking, squeal in each other's faces, drag each other on the dance floor and use their thumbs as mic's and sing.  There are plenty of songs that clear the men off the dance floor.  Except the ones really workin' overtime to get some puss, they'll stay at all costs. Even through Dancing Queen.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "A tax on leather would press heavily on the barefooted peasantry of Ireland.

9/08/02

Here's Caf:

Cooking has been a family tradition of ours for a long-ass time.  And it's
usually the men in the family who do most of it.  I like to invent my own
meals - so did my grandfather.  He used to make a special breakfast for me
called the "Hoinken Doinken".  Man, what a tasty treat this was.  It was
very creative.  He'd cook an egg sunny side up and make toast.  The
secret, however, is in the middle of the toast, he would take a small
glass and press the rim against the toast, right in the middle, punching
out a yolk-sized hole.  He would then proceed to place the toast over the
egg, with the hole over the yolk.  It's not over yet... before making the
Hoinken Doinken, he would put a number on the bottom of the plate.  So you
must eat all of your breakfast, or you can't look for the number.  When
you get the number, he looks at his surprise list and finds a match.  I
have always been suspicious that the "list" is phony and he only has one
surprise, because it never changes:  a little bag of M&M's.  I sure love
Hoinken Doinkens!

I made my own omelette called the "Back Seat Omelette".  Basically, I make
an omelette and organize it, using toast halves to make it resemble that
of a back seat of a car.  Another one of my favorites, I call the "Love
'em, Shove 'em"... I invented this when I was 13 years old and I still
"Love'em"  haha.  Basically, it's a breakfast burrito, but a little more
complicated.

Please, come to my home.  I will make you breakfast.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Nobody can influence me.  Nobody at all.  And a woman still less."-  Former Shah of Iran

9/03/02

I've notice that married couples have to deal with dating other married couples.  When married couples start hanging out, there is a courtship period.  I think that usually the women know each other and try to make their husbands hang out, because guys generally don't want their wives hanging out with their friends.  It's like the husbands are being set up.  At first everything goes well because you don't want to be rude.  The next period is crucial, after the couples honeymoon period.  They start to notice each others little quirks, who gets loud and obnoxious when they drink, etc.  Then one of the participants finally makes the decision on whether they will continue the dating of the other married couple.  If they wish to cease hanging out with the other couple then the wife must make excuses on why the spouse can not make it anymore.  Or they continue dating and finally an affair starts, kind of making a secret 3rd couple, and they explain it away to their spouses that they are great friends and its not weird they hang out.  Since I'm not married, this is pure conjecture, and perhaps incorrect.  Let it me noted, however, that I am never wrong.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Life its own self, as Dan Jenkins said.  Life its own self.  Figure that one out, Norm.  But what it means is, I have a lot to learn from President Reagan."- George Bush, at the beginning of his presidency, when asked whether he was getting advice from his predecessor.

9/02/02

Here is a spiel by Paul Ernuni from Iowa, who I have never met.  

I am sorry I chased off Helpful, I did not mean to be mean. ( I love 
using the same word in the same sentence twice with different meanings.)  
Obviously there was a communication breakdown and obviously she 
got scared and ceased her communiqué to me through this site.  (That time
I used 'obviously' twice in the same sentence but it meant the same thing
each time.)  I have noticed that women in relationships, even as tenuous as
the one Helpful and I had, tend to run scared when the going gets rough. 
I really wanted to grow with Helpful and make some sense of this 
crazy world together.  There was an unspoken bond between us, and I 
wanted to speak it.  Constructive criticism is hard take, especially from 
those you care about, and those who care about you, i.e. me.  I thought you
were being harsh to Dan and I had to rebuke you.  I didn't want to do that
that way.  (There's the same word twice in the same sentence again!)  I am sorry, 
but sometimes a sledgehammer to the head is better than a hammer to the head.
I want to take this opportunity to invite Helpful back, because I miss you like 
Garfunkel misses Simon.

(Editors Note-  Um, thanks Paul, that was pretty weird, but appreciated nonetheless.)

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?"- New York State Senator James H. Donovan on Capital Punishment.

9/01/02

I am pleased to start September off with another guest spiel by my friend Ed.

Nothing upsets me more than people coming up and asking "What are you
eating?"  This is generally followed by some sort of puppy-eyed stare that
says "Can I have some?"  Well I'm here to say Fuck No!  Don't take that the
wrong way.  You should take it the same way that you take your Mangy Dog's
growls; when you screw with his bowl when he is eating.  Also, if you don't
happen to like what I choose to eat you can take your wrinkled nose, stick
it, and leave me with my food.

People in general have know god damn grace when it comes to leaving other
people alone.  Don't stare at other people in the restaurant, don't comment
on their food, or ask them how it is.  The wait staff is there to answer all
of your questions about the daily special, their favorite meal, or what
domestic piss beer goes best with your BLT.  Give it a rest folks and turn
off your damn cell phones in restaurants, at the movies, and especially at
sporting events.  Your family doesn't want to see you, at home or on TV,
that is why you are at the baseball game.

Excellent spiel by Stainsworth, but her picture begs the question "Didn't I
see you on Sorority Life?"  (Editors Note-  Sainsworth is not a sorority girl, 
she only plays one on my stupid website.)

Thanks Double-D!

-Ed

P.S. Go Broncos!

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "What really causes marital abuse is small families.  If all women had a lot of brothers, this would never take place."- Charles Poncy, Iowa State Representative.