Nigerian E-mail Scam
Denver Nuggets Potpourri
My Survivor Application
My Ex-Boss/Friend Johanna and Jackie Please
Michael Jordan came to play the Nuggets one last
time tonight. The Wizards needed the win since they are in a
playoff race. Jordan has only won here 5 times. The Nuggets
won by 16. Michael Jordan shot an airball. I would say he
sucks, but he did keep the Jazz from winning a title. For that I am
I was leading my NCAA pools until today. Then
I got treated like a child molester in prison. That's what happens
when you know nothing about college hoops and make some random
picks. I was acting like I knew what I was doing when I had only
missed 2 picks after the first day. Now, more than likely, I will be
beaten by women who also know nothing about the sport, but base their
picks on more reliable methods like colors and mascots.
I read in the paper today that some Iraqis heard
that you had to eat a baby to be a Marine. How dumb. I heard
that the Iraqis were making Frankensteins out of their dead soldiers
called Iraqisteins, but you don't see me telling everyone.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I
didn't expect there to be any rats!" - Crispin Glover before his
first day shooting with rats in the movie Willard.
I'm sitting at home today because Denver was lucky
enough to receive about 4-5 feet of snow. My homeowners association
is supposed to take care of clearing the sidewalks and such, but thus far
no action has been taken. I wanted to go out and build a snow fort
and shovel my car out and play, but then I realized I have no snow
shovel. I also have no snow gear. Being from Colorado and
having no snow gear or shovel is like being from Florida and not having
any shorts. Although not having shorts in Florida does not confine
you to your home. Just makes your legs sweaty. It sucks to
have to add snow shovel to your Christmas wish list but I want to be
prepared next time while not spending my own money. Even if it's
five next times from now. It looks like I will miss tomorrow
too. It will be unpaid, but on the plus side I should be able to
watch CNN all day show footage of the US herding Iraqis with white flags
into some sort of pen or coop like structure.
I got the pictures from My Favorite Nuggets Dancer Ann Littleton on Are
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Bigamy
is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."- Oscar Wilde
We're gonna invade Iraq. Bush has been such a
cocktease about it, it has left me craving some military action. I
hope France is next. If we could somehow get the population of
France over to Iraq we could take both countries in hours. With the
French showing the Iraqis how it's really done, the surrender would be awe
inspiring. I wonder if Iraq has a Maginot Line? Built between
1930 and 1940, France's Maginot Line was a massive system of defenses that
became famous for failing to stop a German invasion. The dummy's
only built these defenses along the border with Germany, not the border of
Belgium. And where do you think those crafty Germans went
through. Anyway, if the French could bring Iraq up to date on the
least effective ways to defend a country and resist invaders, we could be
vacationing between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers ("The Cradle of
Civilization!") in a year or so. I hear it's lovely.
Where do people who live in Hawaii go for honeymoons?
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Diplomacy
is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."- Will
Here's a very embittered Mark:
I want to announce that as of now, I will no
longer be making funny spiels. Instead, I will address more serious
topics without the traditional sarcasm, and with a more
Such topics I will bring to the surface include our situation in Iraq,
violence, our stock market which is destined to plummet, global
inhumanity, animal mistreatment, the death penalty, and all other topics
that really frighten and depress millions of Americans each year.
I am now a new man, and I realize that my humor doesn't help in a society
that insists on dwelling upon topics that are intended to bring us all
down. So I will change my ways and try make more contributions to
support an ongoing tradition of fear, depression, and boredom.
Hence my next poem...
NO LAUGHING, by Mark Cafiero
OH MY GOD, WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE
It's da trufe, it be far from da lie.
Iraq has weapons, so does Korea. We are dead meat.
The world is gonna end soon, now that's a crazy feat.
Lock yo do's and tape yo windows.
"Like a midget at a urinal, you gots to say on yo toes"
Wear a gas mask, cause tha taliban's got mad chem's
We all gonna die, foo, just aks any of thems.
Buy lots of grub and beer, cause ya might have to stay in yo cribb
Cuz when Korea attacks, yo gonna get cansa', and dat be no fibb.
Thinkin of getting hitcheds and makin' some kids?
But we all gonna die, so I gave up on dat. That's what I dids.
FEAR FEAR FEAR, watch yo ass foo!
Don't laugh or have fun, you be breakin tha rule!
I am no longer going to have fun, by Mark Cafiero
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "For seven and a half years
I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs.
Made some mistakes. We've had some sex."- George Bush. He
meant "setbacks". Freudian slip.
My friend Becca's sister Allison
visited a few weeks ago for her birthday. She got drunk, hit on me,
made outrageous claims like she invented pants, and generally made a fool
of herself. I had a good time anyway, even though she kept asking to
see my nuts. At first I thought my nut's reputation must have
preceded me (who could have told her how magnificent they are?), but then
she told me why. It seems Allison, feminist that she is, has had
enough with Girls Gone Wild. I have never seen Girls Gone Wild or
ordered it, even when they had that great deal for Sorority Girls Gone
Wild coupled with the Spring Break Girls Gone Wild where you also got the
Girls Gone Wild Exposed. I didn't order even then. Ahem.
Anyway, Allison wants to start Guys Gone Nuts, same premise except instead
of girls showing breasts, guys show testicles. What a lucrative
idea! I don't know how many times women I know have complained that
there is no outlet for their testicle needs. I didn't show her my
nuts. I have too much self respect.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "No man is an
island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."- Ashleigh
In my 6/17/01 Spiel I wondered why there wasn't a nose blowing
fetish. I was wrong. There is. It's called Mucophagy.
It is defined as consuming mucous secretions as in nasolingus (chowing
schnauze?). Gross. Anyway, that just goes to show people are
My Favorite Nuggets Dancer Ann Littleton
was on abc's Are You Hot? This is probably the worst reality show on
TV. Pure gutter trash entertainment. I never miss it.
She went up in front of Rachel Hunter, Lorenzo Lamas and some designer,
and they were pretty mean. Actually, Lorenzo wanted a piece
but the other 2 didn't score her so high. I
will have some stills from the episode very shortly, but here is the one
of her from the website. I don't like it so much, but I understand
TV people want a certain look.
I went to the Nuggets game the night after the show and Ann was no where
to be seen. So there I was, ready to console her and yell sweet
things at her and she ditched. It must have been because she is a
delicate flower and wanted a day off. I respect that.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "President Bush has said that he does not need
approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't
need the approval of the American voters to become president,
either." - David Letterman