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3/30/03

Michael Jordan came to play the Nuggets one last time tonight.  The Wizards needed the win since they are in a playoff race.  Jordan has only won here 5 times.  The Nuggets won by 16.  Michael Jordan shot an airball.  I would say he sucks, but he did keep the Jazz from winning a title.  For that I am eternally thankful.

I was leading my NCAA pools until today.  Then I got treated like a child molester in prison.  That's what happens when you know nothing about college hoops and make some random picks.  I was acting like I knew what I was doing when I had only missed 2 picks after the first day.  Now, more than likely, I will be beaten by women who also know nothing about the sport, but base their picks on more reliable methods like colors and mascots.  

I read in the paper today that some Iraqis heard that you had to eat a baby to be a Marine.  How dumb.  I heard that the Iraqis were making Frankensteins out of their dead soldiers called Iraqisteins, but you don't see me telling everyone.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I didn't expect there to be any rats!" - Crispin Glover before his first day shooting with rats in the movie Willard.

3/19/03

I'm sitting at home today because Denver was lucky enough to receive about 4-5 feet of snow.  My homeowners association is supposed to take care of clearing the sidewalks and such, but thus far no action has been taken.  I wanted to go out and build a snow fort and shovel my car out and play, but then I realized I have no snow shovel.  I also have no snow gear.  Being from Colorado and having no snow gear or shovel is like being from Florida and not having any shorts.  Although not having shorts in Florida does not confine you to your home.  Just makes your legs sweaty.  It sucks to have to add snow shovel to your Christmas wish list but I want to be prepared next time while not spending my own money.  Even if it's five next times from now.  It looks like I will miss tomorrow too.  It will be unpaid, but on the plus side I should be able to watch CNN all day show footage of the US herding Iraqis with white flags into some sort of pen or coop like structure.

I got the pictures from My Favorite Nuggets Dancer Ann Littleton on Are You Hot?

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."- Oscar Wilde

3/18/03

We're gonna invade Iraq.  Bush has been such a cocktease about it, it has left me craving some military action.  I hope France is next.  If we could somehow get the population of France over to Iraq we could take both countries in hours.  With the French showing the Iraqis how it's really done, the surrender would be awe inspiring.  I wonder if Iraq has a Maginot Line?  Built between 1930 and 1940, France's Maginot Line was a massive system of defenses that became famous for failing to stop a German invasion.  The dummy's only built these defenses along the border with Germany, not the border of Belgium.  And where do you think those crafty Germans went through.  Anyway, if the French could bring Iraq up to date on the least effective ways to defend a country and resist invaders, we could be vacationing between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers ("The Cradle of Civilization!") in a year or so.  I hear it's lovely.

Where do people who live in Hawaii go for honeymoons?

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."- Will Rogers

3/16/03

Here's a very embittered Mark:

I want to announce that as of now, I will no longer be making funny spiels.  Instead, I will address more serious topics without the traditional sarcasm, and with a more "productive" motive.

Such topics I will bring to the surface include our situation in Iraq, violence, our stock market which is destined to plummet, global inhumanity, animal mistreatment, the death penalty, and all other topics that really frighten and depress millions of Americans each year.

I am now a new man, and I realize that my humor doesn't help in a society that insists on dwelling upon topics that are intended to bring us all down.  So I will change my ways and try make more contributions to support an ongoing tradition of fear, depression, and boredom. 

Hence my next poem...

NO LAUGHING, by Mark Cafiero

OH MY GOD, WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE
It's da trufe, it be far from da lie.

Iraq has weapons, so does Korea.  We are dead meat.
The world is gonna end soon, now that's a crazy feat.

Lock yo do's and tape yo windows.
"Like a midget at a urinal, you gots to say on yo toes"

Wear a gas mask, cause tha taliban's got mad chem's
We all gonna die, foo, just aks any of thems.

Buy lots of grub and beer, cause ya might have to stay in yo cribb
Cuz when Korea attacks, yo gonna get cansa', and dat be no fibb.

Thinkin of getting hitcheds and makin' some kids?
But we all gonna die, so I gave up on dat.  That's what I dids.

FEAR FEAR FEAR, watch yo ass foo!
Don't laugh or have fun, you be breakin tha rule!

I am no longer going to have fun, by Mark Cafiero

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.  We've had triumphs.  Made some mistakes.  We've had some sex."- George Bush.  He meant "setbacks".  Freudian slip.

3/9/03

My friend Becca's sister Allison visited a few weeks ago for her birthday.  She got drunk, hit on me, made outrageous claims like she invented pants, and generally made a fool of herself.  I had a good time anyway, even though she kept asking to see my nuts.  At first I thought my nut's reputation must have preceded me (who could have told her how magnificent they are?), but then she told me why.  It seems Allison, feminist that she is, has had enough with Girls Gone Wild.  I have never seen Girls Gone Wild or ordered it, even when they had that great deal for Sorority Girls Gone Wild coupled with the Spring Break Girls Gone Wild where you also got the Girls Gone Wild Exposed.  I didn't order even then.  Ahem.  Anyway, Allison wants to start Guys Gone Nuts, same premise except instead of girls showing breasts, guys show testicles.  What a lucrative idea!  I don't know how many times women I know have complained that there is no outlet for their testicle needs.  I didn't show her my nuts.  I have too much self respect.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."- Ashleigh Brilliant.

3/8/03

In my 6/17/01 Spiel I wondered why there wasn't a nose blowing fetish.  I was wrong.  There is.  It's called Mucophagy.  It is defined as consuming mucous secretions as in nasolingus (chowing schnauze?).  Gross.  Anyway, that just goes to show people are fucking sick.

My Favorite Nuggets Dancer Ann Littleton was on abc's Are You Hot?  This is probably the worst reality show on TV.  Pure gutter trash entertainment.  I never miss it.  She went up in front of Rachel Hunter, Lorenzo Lamas and some designer, and they were pretty mean.  Actually,  Lorenzo wanted a piece but the other 2 didn't score her so high.  I will have some stills from the episode very shortly, but here is the one of her from the website.  I don't like it so much, but I understand TV people want a certain look.  

I went to the Nuggets game the night after the show and Ann was no where to be seen.  So there I was, ready to console her and yell sweet things at her and she ditched.  It must have been because she is a delicate flower and wanted a day off.  I respect that.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." - David Letterman