My friend Mark
will again take my Spiel today.
Today is September 28. Is it too early for a guy to start getting pumped
for Thanksgiving? I'm sorry folks, but that is by FAR, the most kick-ass
holiday, and I give thanks that it's only two months away..
It is so great to come home the night before the big day and sit around
with the fam, drinking wine (I still feel too young to be drinking wine, so
that makes me feel special) and usually, we have some cracka's and cheese
Then it's off to the tube to fall asleep in front of. Then ya wake up in
tha mo'nin and you just know... 'today I will stuff my face like no
other!'. The best part about being the dude in the fam is that I am
always a nuisance in the kitchen - I don't have to do a fucking THING! My
mom will even set me up with some snacks and beer and send me off to watch
football with whatever other dudes are in the cribb. So ya sit there,
watch the game, drink beers and occasionally stop to notice the sweet,
sweet smell of hot turkey and stuffing. The best part - it's a weekday!
I am supposed to be staring at a computer, stressing cause I have so much
shit to do and I don't even know where to start. But not THIS day. This
day is sent from heaven.
Finally, at around 2:00 PM, it is time to start stuffing. I sit at the
same spot every year. Across from the kitchen-entrance-side of the
dining room, so I can take advantage of all that positive "chi" (ever heard
of "chi"? It is some cool shit! It's an Asian thing). My mom always does
this stupid thing where we have to go around the table and everyone must
say what they are "thankful" for (since it is THANKSgiving). I try to be
the last to go... sometimes, I have to call a "pass" because my brain
always freezes. I guess I am not thankful for too much because I always
end up spitting something typical out, like, "I am thankful that everyone
could make it here today". Oh well... before you know it, I am chowing my
Turkey, stuffing, this crazy maple sweet potato crap with marshmallows
on top (you gotta try it! sooooo good!), heaping piles of hot mashed
potatoes, graaavy, WT green bean casserole with those crunchy onion
things, hot, buttery rolls, at least 5 glasses of red wine to wash it
down, fruit salad, pistachio pudding, which someone always brings each
year, but I am like, "Hell yeah, bring it ON!", yams, cranberry sauce, and
on and on it goes.
Pass it around, fuck "counterclockwise" just get the fucking food over
here so I can put the shit in my mouff!
And then ya take a little break. My fam usually goes for a walk, but
since I have eaten about five times as much, I think a rest is more
appropriate for my special circumstances. Then I wake up, the coffee's
hot and I got a plate crammed with pumpkin, apple and pecan pie, all
doused with shitloads of whipped cream.
Are ya pumped yet? I am STARVING over here!
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Each major cause of hunger could be averted or
overcome if the human community were to act cooperatively and
decisively."- Presidential Commision On World Hunger, 1980.
My friend Chris is
the kind of guy that says offensive things but doesn't mean to. For
instance, one time he asked a women who was transitioning into becoming a
man if she had a cold because her voice sounded deeper.
I have to admit, my favorite $cientologist is The Original Human Beat Box,
Doug E. Fresh, who did Lodi Dodi and The Show with MC Ricki D, aka Slick
Rick. My favorite Doug E. Fresh song is Keep Risin' To The
Top. Unfortunately he is now a Nutty Cultist, and I heard he was
Beat Boxin' for the culties on Elron Hubbard's b-day. It's a damn
shame when $cientology wastes a perfectly good Human Beat Box like that.
And yes, I do have a $cientology fixation. I write about them often
because they are so damn nutty and I just can't believe people would
believe that dead space alien shit. If you watch Jenna Elfman, you
can see the brainwashing, it's frickin' weird.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Make money. Make more money. Make
other people make money."- L. Ron Hubbard, Founder of the $cientology
I'm flying to Las Vegas soon. I'm not scared
of flying due to recent events, but I have decided what I will do in the
event my plane is hijacked. Schmatt
and I will rush the hijackers along with others I assume. When on
the floor of the plane, I will make the sign of the cross on the
terrorists head and baptize him/her into Christianity. Since they
think they are going to die anyway, I think the only way to terrify them
would be to take away their religion. I'm getting some holy water
before I go. I'm pretty sure you can do it, my late grandfather was
a trucker who baptized many car accident victims over 40 years, so it runs
in the family.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I'm not indecisive. Am
I indecisive?"- Jim Seibel, former mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota.
I can totally tell when someone wants to get off the
phone and I love to keep talking to them. They say "uh
huh", and "okay" and "sounds good" and
"alright". I just keep talking like I am unaware. I
think on one level they really hate me for keeping them on the phone, but
on another level they appreciate my skills in conversationalism. I
wonder if there is a job in the FBI or something that is simply to keep
kidnappers or bad people on the phone so they can be traced. I'm
perfect for that.
My ex-boss Johanna says my site has a cult following. I wonder which
one. I hope it's not the $cientologist's. Although I do have
body thetans up the wazoo.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The time is here, and is rapidly
approaching."- William Field, Member of Parliament (Not the funk
Today I will have a guest Spiel By my good friend Mark
I am about to do something that is very hard for me. Write about my
passion for 80's love music and soft rock.
Everyday I tune into KOZY 101.1 FM in hopes of hearing some of my favorite
tunes. Today on my way to work, I was lucky enough to have caught my
favorite Lionel Richie song. The funny thing is I don't know the
names of any of 'em, so I can only describe the lyrics. My fav
Lionel Richie goes something like this:
"Each dayyee, I prayyy, this love affair, would la-a-ast, fore-he-verrr
(ohh-hoo) suddenleee, life has new meaning, to meeeee. There's
beauty up ab-huh-huhve, the things we never pay notice of......wake
up suddenly, you're in luh-huh-huh-huh-huhve (love)."
Another good one by Wham:
"Doo da da , doo da da, duh duh duh dahhh dahhh dahhh dahhh deh
dahhhhhhh, somebody te-hell me, (a-won't you tell me), why I work so hard
for you (to give you money, oh to give you you money, woo!.....And now you
tell me that you're having a baybe, I'll you that I'm happy if you want me
to,.......but one step further and my back will break, if my best isn't
good enough, then HOW can it be good enough for two? I can't work
any harder than I dooooo!" and then he goes on and sings,
"you've shown me you can take, you've got some givin' to
do!" Ouch, I bet he was dating some chick that just
wanted the champagne treatment. I have dated similar types!
It's a bunch of BULLSHIT!
And last, but certainly not least, I love this song by that black guy with
a mole, but sings with a girls voice:
"Look at this face (I know the years are showing), look at this
so-oul (still don't know where it's going!)......I don't knoh-oh-oh much (dah-dah-dah),
but I know I luh-huhve you (dah-dah-dah), and that may be all I need to
knooooooooowwwww." This song sends shivers up my spine.
This guy is confessing to the world that he's not the brightest man in the
world, but he DEFINITELY knows that he loves you. Love is a powerful
thing and I bet each and every one of us has that special person, whom
without a doubt, we truly love.
This Spiel is dedicated to all the women I have loved.- Mark Cafiero.
Ahem, thanks Mark. I, as well as my 3 readers look forward to
hearing from you in the future.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I'll get it when I die."- Yogi Bera,
explaining why he bought a large life insurance policy.
I went to Oktoberfest in downtown Denver before I
saw an Avalanche preseason hockey game. Why is Oktoberfest in
September? It should have been Septemberfest, that way we could
still look forward to Oktoberfest and have one more reason to party.
I guess October has Halloween, but thats a double edged sword. Sure
you get to have fun, but the pressure to have a good costume is almost
unbearable. I have wanted to be a Ghostbuster for 3 years but can
never pull that costume together. Having a bad costume sucks because
even if you spend a lot of time and it turns out crappy, people think you
were lazy and didn't try. Anyway, I had a good time at Okterfest
with some nutty Germans, who have turned out to be very nice people after
the world war phases they went through. A credit to them.
The Festival of Johanna's Head is over. Life will never be the same.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Why call him Joe? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is
called Joe."- Samuel Goldwyn, commenting on a character name.
I was ordering some food today and the guy in front
of me made a total taboo. The guy cooking happened to be Hispanic
and the guy ordering kept trying to use spanish. He was saying stuff
like si and bueno. Finally the guy cooking just stopped and looked
at him like "what the hell are you talking about?" It was
just like a TV Show or stand up comedian where they make fun of
people who assume others can't speak english. Even though the cook
answered in perfect English to every question and statement, the guy
ordering persisted. Pendejo.
Due to my ex boss/friend Johanna's incessant
childlike whining about her heads, a bigger Jackie head will be joining
Johanna today. Gadzooks! Day 5 of The Festival of Johanna's
QUOTE OF THE DAY-
John Sununu (then Governor of New Hampshire)- "You're telling us
that the reason things are so bad is that they are so good, and they will
get better as soon as things are worse?"
James A. Baker (The Secretary of the Treasury)- "You got it"
You don't like music if you don't like old Michael
Jackson. The Jackson 5, Off The Wall and Thriller are all
great. You have to look past what a freak he is now to realize how
great he was. Now I hear he and his monkey Bobo and the Elephant
Man's Bones are recording a song to raise $50 million for the WTC
disaster. What a guy. He should also try to buy another
nose, his has been shaved completely off. I say these things not as
jokes, for this ground has already been covered by people funnier than
I. I say them because I am worried about MJ.
Goodness Gracious, Great Balls Of Fire! Day 4 of The Festival Of
Johanna's Head! With another baby Jackie Please head.
(Note: I am taking a lot of heat from Johanna on this project, I
hope the 3 people that read this site appreciate it.)
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put
the clips on, but they take them off."- Pratt & Whitney
spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly
$1,000 for a pair of pliers.
When I go to a place like Subway or a salad bar with
a sneeze guard, I feel its rude to not use it. The owners put it
there to protect us and I like to make sure they know its money well
spent. If we don't use them the owners may save money in the future
by not having sneeze guards, and we will lose the protection. That's
why I purposely sneeze on sneeze guards every time I encounter them, to
remind everyone how much we need them.
Rejoice, Rejoice! Day 3 of The Festival of Johanna's Heads!
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "It's not that I
dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people."-
Bryant Gumbel, TV news anchor
Here is the new World Trade Center.
Someone sent it to me, I have no idea who made it.
A Nostrodamus prophecy has been circulating through
email that supposedly foretells the WTC disaster. What a bunch of
bullshit. It's the fakest thing I ever read, plus no search on the
internet brings up anything close to it. It sounds like I gave my
little brother John (who is obviously an idiot if you have read my
guestbook) an assignment to write me a prediction. The metaphors are
amateurish, and it is not written in the parlance of the 1600's.
Next time I get that email, I predict the evil message on the picture box
of applications will be eradicated by a button with the marking of
"X", and said evil message will then be flushed from the
eradication bin with great prejudice. Ok, that was dumb.
If I hear that Daft Punk song One More Time one more time I will do
something really nuts, and then it will be time to celebrate.
Huzzah! Day 2 of the Festival Of Johanna's
Heads! She is joined by baby Jackie Please Head.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If you don't want to be anally probed, aren't you
taking a big risk by having a UFO Welcome Center?"- Steven Colbert,
The Daily Show correspondent, to a man with a UFO Welcome Center, who does
not wish to be anally probed.
One of my friends emailed me a picture of his
newborn son. People want to show off their newborn babies right
away. They really should hold off about a month or so and have a
moratorium on spreading the pictures out. All newborn babies are
wrinkled as hell and way too pink, with no semblance of cuteness. I
have never seen a newborn baby picture that looks decent, but most babies
look pretty cute after a month or so. Whenever I see a newborn
picture it skews my view and I automatically think, "that kid is
gonna be ugly." Plus people always say the newborn looks like
one of the parents. Whatever, they all look like wrinkled shit.
Today begins the Festival Of Johanna's Heads! Here is the 1st
installment from about 2 years ago.
Also, Jackie Please explains her love for Ken Darling.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I think we probably expose our players to the
media as well as anybody."- George Perles, Michigan State football
coach, on allowing women reporters into the locker room.
I've decided I'm going to start smoking pot. This wasn't a tough
decision, I've been wanting to start for awhile. The benefits are
many. As opposed to liquor, I will be okay after a few hours to
continue my day and get things accomplished, I won't be hung over, and I
won't have beer burps and gas. I only have 5 weeks left of class so
I can't decide if I should wait until then. But I do know, if I
study high, I take the test high. Everybody knows that. What's
weird is squares always call joints "marijuana cigarettes" but
never call cigarettes "tobacco joints". Nice double
standard, square people.
Here's to Afghanistan....suckin' my dick. And here's to Osama Bin
Laden....lickin' my balls. May all involved burn in hell with the
fire of a thousand suns. L'chaim. Salud.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "A man could not be in two places at once unless he
were a bird."- Sir Boyle Roche.
A moment of blankness on my page for the victims of
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We will make no distinction between the terrorists
who committed these acts and those who harbor them."- United States
President George Bush.
I went to a wedding with my friends Christa and
Heather, and Heather's husband Spencer. Heather and Christa have
this weird relationship where they call each other names like bitch and
slut and stuff. They were horsing around on the dance floor and
Heather hit me in the nuts. Dance floor casualty.
On a related note, my house flooded 2 months ago and my landlord still
hasn't fixed it. She has been feeding us all sorts of lies. It
turns out my friend Christa was my landlord's maid of honor and Christa is
the insurance agent handling the case. I got the dirt. My
landlord hasn't called and I know its because she knows that I know she is
a big liar head.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My friends, I desire that you will make a
post-mortem examination of me, and find out what ails me; for I am dying
to know what my disease is myself."- James Smithson, benefactor of
the Smithsonian Institution, on his deathbed.
I am (was) in a suicide pool for the NFL.
Basically you must pick 1 team to win outright every week. You lose
1 game and you are out. You can pick each team a maximum of 2
times. I picked the sad sack Vikings and what happens? Those
losers blow a home opener to the Carolina Panthers. So I am out the
first week of the season. The sad part is my ex boss now friend
Johanna is still in it. She talks shit like she knows football, when
in reality she chooses the prettiest uniform. She can't even go into
a restaurant without losing her car keys.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a
rope."- George Burns.
They say hindsight is 20/20. Would you really
want eyeballs on your ass? Me neither, it's not worth it.
A week ago I wrote about Solved Mysteries
and I had one happen to me. Ian got a
mousepad as a performance bonus from my ex-boss Johanna, but he wouldn't
use it. Somebody kept putting it on his desk and he would have to
replace it with his old one. Every morning Ian would be like,
"who keeps messin' w/ my pad 'G'?". Then, when Ian was
gone, Johanna confessed it was her. Her feelings were hurt he wasn't
using it and she was prodding him on. Now that's a Solved Mystery.
"I put the funk in function."- quothe classmate Ed.
"I put the cock in caucasion."- quothe Me.
"I put the kum in kumquat." quothe Ash.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I'm smart as a tack."- Ash
When I was little I ate banana's in one
mouthful. Now I almost puke whenever I see one. My mom would
only buy "healthy" cereal for for me, and Cheerios was the best
it got. So when my mom would go upstairs, I would pour a shitload of
sugar into the Cheerios to sweeten it up. After eating all the o's,
there was always some sugar sludge at the bottom of the bowl to be
enjoyed. The metaphor of sugar sludge at the bottom of the bowl of
life mirrors my perceptions of reality perfectly. Ian likes the
sugar sludge at the bottom of Iced Tea. (Not the rapper).
I'm building this site as I learn new things, and I
recently learned forms. So please take a second to fill out my
questionnaire. Again, I am not using a database so it will use your
email to send me the info. Okay it all and after submitting use the
Back button or navigation bar on the left to go where you want. I'm
working on a confirmation page for this and my Jackie Please Dress Page
(see 9/3/01 spiel), but it is proving daunting right now. Anyway,
here's a survey, help me out and take it so I can see how it goes. Let's
go answer some questions!
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We find ourselves in this pickle because you
bought that jar and filled it not with pickles but with water, and now
you're trying to jam it in the publics face."- Albert Blumenthal,
Democratic leader in New State Assembly, replying to a Republican charge
that Democrats put the state in a pickle.
My friend Jackie Please is getting married next year
and is trying to decide on her dresses. Her and my ex-boss now
friend Johanna like to joke around that I will be a bridesmaid. Ha
ha, good one Whoopi and Ellen, you guys are a laugh a minute.
Anyway, to help Jackie Please out I've set up a page where people can vote
on which dress is best, and the models are really hot. So take
a minute and vote, and if you want the models name and digits, I can hook
you up w/ the 4-1-1. Since I am not using a database right now it will ask
you a bunch of crap about your email and stuff, just confirm it all ok,
then press the back button or the Spiels button to come back. Lets
QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I can remember when the air was clean and sex
dirty." George Burns
In the movie High Fidelity, John Cusack laments the
fact that he used to dream of being surrounded by exotic women's panties,
only to learn that they only wear the good ones when they know they are
going to sleep with a guy. Otherwise, it's dingy granny panties with
holes. I don't believe that it is necessarily that bad, but this
week some women friends confirmed this is in fact mostly true, but they
added some more details. These women said sometimes they are caught
off guard by a guy while wearing granny panties and decide to sleep with
him. Therefore they must use the rolling technique or the
pre-emptive strike to hide the grannies. The rolling technique is
when they quickly take off their panties by putting their hands at their
sides and going downward, thus rolling the panties off. The
pre-emptive strike is when you leave for a second, and when you come back
the woman is naked. They aren't necessarily that anxious, they are
just hiding nasty underpants. Whatever, as long as the common theme
is the panties coming off.
QUOTE OF THE DAY- " "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you
don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."- Unknown