Spiels- September 01
      -There is a fine line between clever and stupid

Random Thoughts- 



My friend Mark will again take my Spiel today.

Today is September 28. Is it too early for a guy to start getting pumped
for Thanksgiving? I'm sorry folks, but that is by FAR, the most kick-ass
holiday, and I give thanks that it's only two months away..

It is so great to come home the night before the big day and sit around
with the fam, drinking wine (I still feel too young to be drinking wine, so
that makes me feel special) and usually, we have some cracka's and cheese

Then it's off to the tube to fall asleep in front of. Then ya wake up in
tha mo'nin and you just know... 'today I will stuff my face like no
other!'. The best part about being the dude in the fam is that I am
always a nuisance in the kitchen - I don't have to do a fucking THING! My
mom will even set me up with some snacks and beer and send me off to watch
football with whatever other dudes are in the cribb. So ya sit there,
watch the game, drink beers and occasionally stop to notice the sweet,
sweet smell of hot turkey and stuffing. The best part - it's a weekday! 
I am supposed to be staring at a computer, stressing cause I have so much
shit to do and I don't even know where to start. But not THIS day. This
day is sent from heaven.

Finally, at around 2:00 PM, it is time to start stuffing. I sit at the
same spot every year. Across from the kitchen-entrance-side of the
dining room, so I can take advantage of all that positive "chi" (ever heard
of "chi"? It is some cool shit! It's an Asian thing). My mom always does
this stupid thing where we have to go around the table and everyone must
say what they are "thankful" for (since it is THANKSgiving). I try to be
the last to go... sometimes, I have to call a "pass" because my brain
always freezes. I guess I am not thankful for too much because I always
end up spitting something typical out, like, "I am thankful that everyone
could make it here today". Oh well... before you know it, I am chowing my
favorite foodstuffs:
Turkey, stuffing, this crazy maple sweet potato crap with marshmallows
on top (you gotta try it! sooooo good!), heaping piles of hot mashed
potatoes, graaavy, WT green bean casserole with those crunchy onion
things, hot, buttery rolls, at least 5 glasses of red wine to wash it
down, fruit salad, pistachio pudding, which someone always brings each
year, but I am like, "Hell yeah, bring it ON!", yams, cranberry sauce, and
on and on it goes. 

Pass it around, fuck "counterclockwise" just get the fucking food over
here so I can put the shit in my mouff!

And then ya take a little break. My fam usually goes for a walk, but
since I have eaten about five times as much, I think a rest is more
appropriate for my special circumstances. Then I wake up, the coffee's
hot and I got a plate crammed with pumpkin, apple and pecan pie, all
doused with shitloads of whipped cream.

Are ya pumped yet? I am STARVING over here!

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Each major cause of hunger could be averted or overcome if the human community were to act cooperatively and decisively."- Presidential Commision On World Hunger, 1980.


My friend Chris is the kind of guy that says offensive things but doesn't mean to.  For instance, one time he asked a women who was transitioning into becoming a man if she had a cold because her voice sounded deeper.  

I have to admit, my favorite $cientologist is The Original Human Beat Box, Doug E. Fresh, who did Lodi Dodi and The Show with MC Ricki D, aka Slick Rick.  My favorite Doug E. Fresh song is Keep Risin' To The Top.  Unfortunately he is now a Nutty Cultist, and I heard he was Beat Boxin' for the culties on Elron Hubbard's b-day.  It's a damn shame when $cientology wastes a perfectly good Human Beat Box like that.

And yes, I do have a $cientology fixation.  I write about them often because they are so damn nutty and I just can't believe people would believe that dead space alien shit.  If you watch Jenna Elfman, you can see the brainwashing, it's frickin' weird.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Make money.  Make more money.  Make other people make money."- L. Ron Hubbard, Founder of the $cientology cult.


I'm flying to Las Vegas soon.  I'm not scared of flying due to recent events, but I have decided what I will do in the event my plane is hijacked.  Schmatt and I will rush the hijackers along with others I assume.  When on the floor of the plane, I will make the sign of the cross on the terrorists head and baptize him/her into Christianity.  Since they think they are going to die anyway, I think the only way to terrify them would be to take away their religion.  I'm getting some holy water before I go.  I'm pretty sure you can do it, my late grandfather was a trucker who baptized many car accident victims over 40 years, so it runs in the family.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I'm not indecisive.  Am I indecisive?"- Jim Seibel, former mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota.


I can totally tell when someone wants to get off the phone and  I love to keep talking to them.  They say "uh huh", and "okay" and "sounds good" and "alright".  I just keep talking like I am unaware.  I think on one level they really hate me for keeping them on the phone, but on another level they appreciate my skills in conversationalism.  I wonder if there is a job in the FBI or something that is simply to keep kidnappers or bad people on the phone so they can be traced.  I'm perfect for that.

My ex-boss Johanna says my site has a cult following.  I wonder which one.  I hope it's not the $cientologist's.  Although I do have body thetans up the wazoo.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "The time is here, and is rapidly approaching."- William Field, Member of Parliament (Not the funk band).


Today I will have a guest Spiel By my good friend Mark Cafiero.

Mark says: 
I am about to do something that is very hard for me.  Write about my passion for 80's love music and soft rock.

Everyday I tune into KOZY 101.1 FM in hopes of hearing some of my favorite tunes.  Today on my way to work, I was lucky enough to have caught my favorite Lionel Richie song.  The funny thing is I don't know the names of any of 'em, so I can only describe the lyrics.  My fav Lionel Richie goes something like this:

"Each dayyee, I prayyy, this love affair, would la-a-ast, fore-he-verrr (ohh-hoo) suddenleee, life has new meaning, to meeeee.  There's beauty up ab-huh-huhve,  the things we never pay notice of......wake up suddenly, you're in luh-huh-huh-huh-huhve (love)."

Another good one by Wham:

"Doo da da , doo da da, duh duh duh  dahhh dahhh dahhh dahhh deh dahhhhhhh, somebody te-hell me, (a-won't you tell me), why I work so hard for you (to give you money, oh to give you you money, woo!.....And now you tell me that you're having a baybe, I'll you that I'm happy if you want me to,.......but one step further and my back will break, if my best isn't good enough, then HOW can it be good enough for two?  I can't work any harder than I dooooo!"  and then he goes on and sings, "you've shown me you can take, you've got some givin' to do!"  Ouch,   I bet he was dating some chick that just wanted the champagne treatment.  I have dated similar types!  It's a bunch of BULLSHIT!

And last, but certainly not least, I love this song by that black guy with a mole, but sings with a girls voice:
"Look at this face (I know the years are showing), look at  this so-oul (still don't know where it's going!)......I don't knoh-oh-oh much (dah-dah-dah), but I know I luh-huhve you (dah-dah-dah), and that may be all I need to knooooooooowwwww."  This song sends shivers up my spine.  This guy is confessing to the world that he's not the brightest man in the world, but he DEFINITELY knows that he loves you.  Love is a powerful thing and I bet each and every one of us has that special person, whom without a doubt, we truly love.

This Spiel is dedicated to all the women I have loved.- Mark Cafiero.

Ahem, thanks Mark.  I, as well as my 3 readers look forward to hearing from you in the future.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I'll get it when I die."- Yogi Bera, explaining why he bought a large life insurance policy.


I went to Oktoberfest in downtown Denver before I saw an Avalanche preseason hockey game.  Why is Oktoberfest in September?  It should have been Septemberfest, that way we could still look forward to Oktoberfest and have one more reason to party.  I guess October has Halloween, but thats a double edged sword.  Sure you get to have fun, but the pressure to have a good costume is almost unbearable.  I have wanted to be a Ghostbuster for 3 years but can never pull that costume together.  Having a bad costume sucks because even if you spend a lot of time and it turns out crappy, people think you were lazy and didn't try.  Anyway, I had a good time at Okterfest with some nutty Germans, who have turned out to be very nice people after the world war phases they went through.  A credit to them.

The Festival of Johanna's Head is over.  Life will never be the same.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Why call him Joe? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Joe."- Samuel Goldwyn, commenting on a character name.


I was ordering some food today and the guy in front of me made a total taboo.  The guy cooking happened to be Hispanic and the guy ordering kept trying to use spanish.  He was saying stuff like si and bueno.  Finally the guy cooking just stopped and looked at him like "what the hell are you talking about?"  It was just like a TV Show or stand up comedian where they make fun of  people who assume others can't speak english.  Even though the cook answered in perfect English to every question and statement, the guy ordering persisted.  Pendejo.

Due to my ex boss/friend Johanna's incessant childlike whining about her heads, a bigger Jackie head will be joining Johanna today.  Gadzooks!  Day 5 of The Festival of Johanna's Head!



John Sununu
(then Governor of New Hampshire)- "You're telling us that the reason things are so bad is that they are so good, and they will get better as soon as things are worse?"

James A. Baker
(The Secretary of the Treasury)- "You got it"


You don't like music if you don't like old Michael Jackson.  The Jackson 5, Off The Wall and Thriller are all great.  You have to look past what a freak he is now to realize how great he was.  Now I hear he and his monkey Bobo and the Elephant Man's Bones are recording a song to raise $50 million for the WTC disaster.  What a guy.   He should also try to buy another nose, his has been shaved completely off.  I say these things not as jokes, for this ground has already been covered by people funnier than I.  I say them because I am worried about MJ.

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls Of Fire!  Day 4 of The Festival Of Johanna's Head!  With another baby Jackie Please head.  (Note:  I am taking a lot of heat from Johanna on this project, I hope the 3 people that read this site appreciate it.)


QUOTE OF THE DAY- "They're multipurpose.  Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for a pair of pliers.


When I go to a place like Subway or a salad bar with a sneeze guard, I feel its rude to not use it.  The owners put it there to protect us and I like to make sure they know its money well spent.  If we don't use them the owners may save money in the future by not having sneeze guards, and we will lose the protection.  That's why I purposely sneeze on sneeze guards every time I encounter them, to remind everyone how much we need them.

Rejoice, Rejoice!  Day 3 of  The Festival of Johanna's Heads!

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "It's not that I dislike many people.  It's just that I don't like many people."- Bryant Gumbel, TV news anchor


Here is the new World Trade Center.  Someone sent it to me, I have no idea who made it.

A Nostrodamus prophecy has been circulating through email that supposedly foretells the WTC disaster.  What a bunch of bullshit.  It's the fakest thing I ever read, plus no search on the internet brings up anything close to it.  It sounds like I gave my little brother John (who is obviously an idiot if you have read my guestbook) an assignment to write me a prediction.  The metaphors are amateurish, and it is not written in the parlance of the 1600's.  Next time I get that email, I predict the evil message on the picture box of applications will be eradicated by a button with the marking of "X", and said evil message will then be flushed from the eradication bin with great prejudice.  Ok, that was dumb.

If I hear that Daft Punk song One More Time one more time I will do something really nuts, and then it will be time to celebrate.

Huzzah! Day 2 of the Festival Of Johanna's Heads!  She is joined by baby Jackie Please Head.


QUOTE OF THE DAY- "If you don't want to be anally probed, aren't you taking a big risk by having a UFO Welcome Center?"- Steven Colbert, The Daily Show correspondent, to a man with a UFO Welcome Center, who does not wish to be anally probed.


One of my friends emailed me a picture of his newborn son.  People want to show off their newborn babies right away.  They really should hold off about a month or so and have a moratorium on spreading the pictures out.  All newborn babies are wrinkled as hell and way too pink, with no semblance of cuteness.  I have never seen a newborn baby picture that looks decent, but most babies look pretty cute after a month or so.  Whenever I see a newborn picture it skews my view and I automatically think, "that kid is gonna be ugly."  Plus people always say the newborn looks like one of the parents.  Whatever, they all look like wrinkled shit.

Today begins the Festival Of Johanna's Heads!  Here is the 1st installment from about 2 years ago.

Also, Jackie Please explains her love for Ken Darling. 

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I think we probably expose our players to the media as well as anybody."- George Perles, Michigan State football coach, on allowing women reporters into the locker room.


I've decided I'm going to start smoking pot.  This wasn't a tough decision, I've been wanting to start for awhile.  The benefits are many.  As opposed to liquor, I will be okay after a few hours to continue my day and get things accomplished, I won't be hung over, and I won't have beer burps and gas.  I only have 5 weeks left of class so I can't decide if I should wait until then.  But I do know, if I study high, I take the test high.  Everybody knows that.  What's weird is squares always call joints "marijuana cigarettes" but never call cigarettes "tobacco joints".  Nice double standard, square people.

A Toast:

Here's to Afghanistan....suckin' my dick.  And here's to Osama Bin Laden....lickin' my balls.  May all involved burn in hell with the fire of a thousand suns.  L'chaim. Salud.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "A man could not be in two places at once unless he were a bird."- Sir Boyle Roche.


A moment of blankness on my page for the victims of terrorist actions.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them."- United States President George Bush.


I went to a wedding with my friends Christa and Heather, and Heather's husband Spencer.  Heather and Christa have this weird relationship where they call each other names like bitch and slut and stuff.  They were horsing around on the dance floor and Heather hit me in the nuts.  Dance floor casualty. 

On a related note, my house flooded 2 months ago and my landlord still hasn't fixed it.  She has been feeding us all sorts of lies.  It turns out my friend Christa was my landlord's maid of honor and Christa is the insurance agent handling the case.  I got the dirt.  My landlord hasn't called and I know its because she knows that I know she is a big liar head. 

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "My friends, I desire that you will make a post-mortem examination of me, and find out what ails me; for I am dying to know what my disease is myself."- James Smithson, benefactor of the Smithsonian Institution, on his deathbed.


I am (was) in a suicide pool for the NFL.  Basically you must pick 1 team to win outright every week.  You lose 1 game and you are out.  You can pick each team a maximum of 2 times.  I picked the sad sack Vikings and what happens?  Those losers blow a home opener to the Carolina Panthers.  So I am out the first week of the season.  The sad part is my ex boss now friend Johanna is still in it.  She talks shit like she knows football, when in reality she chooses the prettiest uniform.  She can't even go into a restaurant without losing her car keys. 

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."- George Burns.


They say hindsight is 20/20.  Would you really want eyeballs on your ass?  Me neither, it's not worth it.

A week ago I wrote about Solved Mysteries and I had one happen to me.  Ian got a mousepad as a performance bonus from my ex-boss Johanna, but he wouldn't use it.  Somebody kept putting it on his desk and he would have to replace it with his old one.  Every morning Ian would be like, "who keeps messin' w/ my pad 'G'?".  Then, when Ian was gone, Johanna confessed it was her.  Her feelings were hurt he wasn't using it and she was prodding him on.  Now that's a Solved Mystery.

"I put the funk in function."- quothe classmate Ed.

"I put the cock in caucasion."-  quothe  Me.

"I put the kum in kumquat." quothe Ash.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I'm smart as a tack."- Ash


When I was little I ate banana's in one mouthful.  Now I almost puke whenever I see one.  My mom would only buy "healthy" cereal for for me, and Cheerios was the best it got.  So when my mom would go upstairs, I would pour a shitload of sugar into the Cheerios to sweeten it up.  After eating all the o's, there was always some sugar sludge at the bottom of the bowl to be enjoyed.  The metaphor of sugar sludge at the bottom of the bowl of life mirrors my perceptions of reality perfectly.  Ian likes the sugar sludge at the bottom of Iced Tea.  (Not the rapper).

I'm building this site as I learn new things, and I recently learned forms.  So please take a second to fill out my questionnaire.  Again, I am not using a database so it will use your email to send me the info.  Okay it all and after submitting use the Back button or navigation bar on the left to go where you want.  I'm working on a confirmation page for this and my Jackie Please Dress Page (see 9/3/01 spiel), but it is proving daunting right now.  Anyway, here's a survey, help me out and take it so I can see how it goes.  Let's go answer some questions!

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "We find ourselves in this pickle because you bought that jar and filled it not with pickles but with water, and now you're trying to jam it in the publics face."- Albert Blumenthal, Democratic leader in New State Assembly, replying to a Republican charge that Democrats put the state in a pickle.


My friend Jackie Please is getting married next year and is trying to decide on her dresses.  Her and my ex-boss now friend Johanna like to joke around that I will be a bridesmaid.  Ha ha, good one Whoopi and Ellen, you guys are a laugh a minute.  Anyway, to help Jackie Please out I've set up a page where people can vote on which dress is best, and  the models are really hot.  So take a minute and vote, and if you want the models name and digits, I can hook you up w/ the 4-1-1. Since I am not using a database right now it will ask you a bunch of crap about your email and stuff, just confirm it all ok, then press the back button or the Spiels button to come back.   Lets go vote!

QUOTE OF THE DAY- "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was
 dirty." George Burns


In the movie High Fidelity, John Cusack laments the fact that he used to dream of being surrounded by exotic women's panties, only to learn that they only wear the good ones when they know they are going to sleep with a guy.  Otherwise, it's dingy granny panties with holes.  I don't believe that it is necessarily that bad, but this week some women friends confirmed this is in fact mostly true, but they added some more details.  These women said sometimes they are caught off guard by a guy while wearing granny panties and decide to sleep with him.  Therefore they must use the rolling technique or the pre-emptive strike to hide the grannies.  The rolling technique is when they quickly take off their panties by putting their hands at their sides and going downward, thus rolling the panties off.  The pre-emptive strike is when you leave for a second, and when you come back the woman is naked.  They aren't necessarily that anxious, they are just hiding nasty underpants.  Whatever, as long as the common theme is the panties coming off.

QUOTE OF THE DAY- " "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."- Unknown

Contact Daniel James Davis, Esquire
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